I said the "T" word

My husband has totally shamed me! In yesterdays post I said the "T" word (Twat). He read my post and said "Oooooh you said a bad word". Mind you not all the F bombs, he says something about the T word.

The story of the T word actually goes back a few months ago. Dean's mother was visiting and she was changing the baby. She said "We have to clean your twat".

What did she just say? I looked at Dean and Dean looked at me...that is what I thought she said! Holy cow! Naturally when we get alone I am all over that like stink on shit.

"Dude! Your mama said TWAT! The only time I have ever heard the word twat uttered is in porn or dirty magazines (Yes, snarky assholes. I have done both! I needed to find out where babies came from. Now I know, so I have no use for that shit).

Dean was beside himself! He has never heard his mama talk like that, and she was talking about the baby to boot! He and I both agreeded that we had not heard that word used in general conversation. Normally it was only said during explicit sexual acts. That word was only one level below the C word that is used to refer to a womans private parts (*I NEVER use the C word! As I am typing this I am not even saying the C word in my head! That is how much I hate that word. If I ever say that word I am beyond pissed).

Well you know my snarky ass. I have to rub it in every chance I get. We would be laying in bed at night and I would say "Your mama said TWA-T (totally emphasizing the T). I love aggravating the hell outta him! Good times. As we talked about it we decided it must not be a bad word for her generation. That is the only thing we can come up with. I mean seriously, his mama is prolly going to be up for Saint hood that is how nice/perfect she is! I guess that is why it caught us so off guard. Well, we certainly have no one else to ask (Lord, I wish my grandmother was alive), so that is the assumption that we are going on. Sigh.

Well see here is the issue. It is not really acceptable now. What are we going to do if she teaches the baby that part is a twat? We say tutu for that part. I have no earthly idea why, but that is what we call it. Kinda silly, but I don't want my 2 year old running around saying vajayjay either. Dean said that if she said it again he would just ask her to call it a tutu.

That brings us to the night before last. She was giving the baby a bath and she said "Let me clean your twatie". All hell that didn't sound bad at all! So I decided if my saint of a mother in law said twat, so could I. Apparently, I didn't clue my hubby in on this revelation prior to him reading my blog yesterday.

Anyway, I am sorry if I offended. If that offended you prolly most of my post from yesterday did and you will never be back anyway. If you are reading to give me a second go round, I have permission to use that word from a very respectable source (M U C H!!! More respectable than I). If you keep reading me everyday, I am sure the T word will be the least of your worries for my soul. Thanks for the prayers!

So, tonight is New Year's Eve. It is 10 o'clock where I live, and I really, really want to be asleep. We drove 13+ hours today (getting up at 4 am). We are too pooped to peeter. We drive up into our beloved driveway and see the best sight in the world, our house...oh how I have missed my house! If it were not 38 degrees and sprinkling rain, I so would have laid right in my front yard and made grass angles. As we get out of the car we are greeted by our next door neighbor.

"Oh good! Y'all are home just in time for the fireworks".

Excuse me? What did he just say? In my true snarky fashion I say "No, we are just in time to get in the bed. We have been up since 4 and have been on the road all day".

"Awe, that is too bad. Jimmy (the other neighbor) works at the fireworks stand and we have a thousand dollars worth of fireworks to shoot off."

Is he fucking kidding me? Don't get me wrong. I am not a fire cracker scrooge, but a GRAND worth? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! That is some towns budget for fire crackers on the 4th!

They have been at it for 2 hours straight. Two fucking hours. It is only 10. He told me the "big show" was at 12 or 12:30. Holy cow.

All I have to say is that I am staying awake. However, if he wakes up my baby, I promise I will get a bottle rocket and shove it up his ass and send his ass to the moon. (Insert prayer here).

Happy New Year!