Why I have rules about public bathrooms...

First, I have a couple of new followers. I am a total follower also! Unfortunately I am on my suck ass Black Berry and I can't click right on over (I wonder if Black Berry will pay me for that product review?) So, when I get home I will clicky and let ya know with a comment. Sometimes I can comment, it just depends on how your blog is set up. Anyway, I will not forget!

So that brings me to my current post. Public bathrooms. All are gross. All! I avoid going to the bathroom at public places at all cost. To the point I am in serious physical pain. I am not sure why I have such a phobia. I mean it is not like I am going to take a bath in the toilet bowl. I always do the hover that all girls are taught from a very young age, so my tush does not hit the seat (unless I loose my balance). I will also shamefully admit I don't clean my shitter at home every day (cough*week*). There are times it is pretty hairy. I guess as long as it is my shit I don't have an aversion. Makes no sense, but that is how I poop.

So I have rules about public potties.
1. Never, ever, ever go to the bathroom in a gas station. Ever. This is like the grand daddy of bathroom rules.

2. Never go to a bathroom that is dimly lit. You really need to inspect each pot to see which one you want to not sit on.

3. Never go to a one seater bathroom. The shitter to cleaning ratio has to be outta this world.

4. When available, the best place to potty is hotel lobbies. I stole this from one of Dean's best friend's mother. OMG! How smart is she! And classy! She would never be caught dead reading a snarky blog like this, but if you are... This one is for you Miss M.E!

5. When you can, bring a wing woman to watch your door and get you TP if your stall is out (or you use it all lining the seat).

6. Kick the handle! Kick that bitch! So not touch it...ever. There are some toilets (the ones like house toilets) that you have to be gentle with.

7. Avoid the auto flush. Every fucking time I use a pot that has this I get piss shot up on my booty in mid stream. This invention was not ment for the hovering women. It turns the toilet into a piss bidet. Not good times.

Anyway, on our adventure on the way to my in laws I had to use a public bathroom. Why I think that I need to hold my piss until my eyeballs are floating and look like I have yellow jaundic, I have no idea. When I do this I tend to break some of the rules.

We had been on the road for 6 hours and my 1/2 a gallon of coffee was getting to me. We decided to make a stop in Jasper, AL to get something to eat and stretch our legs. As soon as we got off the exit it hit me. The "you better go right now" pee pee dance. It feels like someone is literary pressing on your stomach and your bladder is like a water balloon that is fixing to burst.
Me: Stop at the gas station

Dean: You don't go to the bathrooms at gas stations.

Me: Bitch! Did you hear me? I gotta fucking pee.

Dean: You have been saying you have had to pee for the last 30 minutes.

Me: Get me to a pot! NOW!

Dean: (laughing) Are you going in with you grandma house shoes on?

*I did not put on real shoes when I got dressed. I just left my house shoes on and threw my shoes in my bag. He found this humorous b/c I totally talk mad shit about lazy asses that don't get dressed to go to stores, or where house shoes out in public. Hahaha yeah, fuck him. I had to piss.

So we pull into this gas station that is also a fucking tanning bed! I shit you not! A fucking tanning bed! I hop out thinking I am about to have the best piss orgasm of the century! (I know that yall know what a piss orgasm is! That is when you have held it so friggin long and you finally get to piss it "hurts so good". Totally a piss orgasm!). I run inside and ask the attendant where the bathroom was and he pointed to the back. I looked up and it had 2 doors- Kings and Queens! Wooohoo. I have broken my #1 public shitter rule, but it was for a bathroom ment for a queen so it has to be ok! Right?

Fuck hell no! Totally wrong! I open the door and reach for the light and there is no fucking switch! WTF! How does a bathroom not have a fucking light switch? Well by this point I was in a place of no return. I had 2 choices. Hover in the dark or piss in my pants. Split decision, but I chose to hover. I snatched down my pants and pissed, and pissed, and pissed some more. It was totally freaking me out b/c I was in a fucking bathroom that has not been properly inspected, hovering in the dark. Totally screwed up my piss orgasm.

So I stand up and pull up my pants. I then try to figure out how in the hell I am going to flush in the dark! I opened the door to get some light and calculate the foot to lever distance for my kick. It is very hard to kick a toilet in house shoes, BTW. Then I had to let the door close and try to kick it in the dark. Yeah, that worked out well!
I was so fucking out of it I did not even button or zip my pants! I came running out (b/c at this point I was very traumatized) of the bathroom all hanging out. I noticed my jeans felt looser so I looked down and I about died! I hurriedly tired to fix myself thinking the whole time that dude prolly thinks I am shoving kit kats down my pants!

Ugh!

I get in the car and tell Dean to drive! Drive any friggin where! Get me the hell away from this tanning/gas station! I also told him that I was way traumatized and did not want to talk about what had just happened and the mother fucker made me relive it right then. Asshole!