My date with the teacher

I am sure that this is going to be a huge shock to all of y'all, but I must admit to my social awkwardness. I apparently did not stand in that line, or take that class is school. I was apparently way too busy being a smart ass and thinking I was great. This has led me to several not so comfy situations in the past. Normally I mentally prepare myself so I curb my non filtered mouth. This time I was very ill prepared.

I had the brightest idea to invite Ans's teacher to diner. She is going through a rough time with the loss of Ms. T. I also invited V, a fabo mommy of a classmate of Ans (who's son is so friggin cute! I could just pinch him). Thank God I invited V. I do believe the teacher would have put a stop to diner and told be to get an elfin cab.
See, sometimes I say things that I think are way funny and really they are way not. UGH! Kinda like Chandler on Friends.

I knew that shit was going south when she picked me up and asked me if I knew were V lived. I must stop here and let everyone know I am directionaly challenged. Never, ever ask me for directions. I totally suck. V lives right around the corner from me so I got directions from the Chief (he knows to use small words when talking about directions). So when teacher asked I was "Oh yes she lives in bah bah subdivision". Well teacher had pulled out of my driveway and was 1/2 to V's house when she said "oh we can go the back way". Oh shit. You should also know that I have serious OCD about driving the way I know. Serious. She then whips the car around on 2 wheels and we proceed to go the "back way". Ugh! I am getting that feeling in my stomach.

As she is driving we come to a super sharp curb that she almost runs smack into. Then she says "Whoops! I guess I need to be paying attention and not looking at Christmas lights". YA THINK?! Yall should prolly also know I am a super freak about speeding. I got a ticket almost 5 years ago. Freaked me out. I don't speed and I had a speedometer installed in my ass. I can sit in the passenger seat and tell you how fast your going. Let's just say teacher is a little law breaker.

So we come in the back way to V's neighborhood. She then turns to me and asks what house. WTF! I don't elfin know. I am still 3 blocks back when we did Dukes of Hazard over a pot hole. I told her I didn't friggin know the back way. Ugh!!!!

This is when I knew. I knew that she and I were not gonna get along. Nope. She is a red and I am a blue. It just aint gonna work. Man! All women have been in this position before. Normally I have an "out" plan, but I had never been on the date with a teacher. I didn't think I needed one. When I dated prior to meeting Dean I had a "out" plan for all dates. My friend would call and ask what kind of pizza the kids ate (even if the kids were not with her). If I said "cheese" all was clear. If I said anything else she was to call back 10 mins later with a reason for me to come home-right away. I was 3 blocks from my house and I knew I had a big fat sausage pizza on my hands, but no one to call and give me my out. Shit.
We pick up V! THANK GOD! She is way more my speed. She was my saving grace for the rest of the night. I swear if I said I liked X the teacher would scoff and say that was stupid. She seriously could not hold a conversation about anything other then school and her class. Very strange. I am starting to think at this point she is the one with social ackwardness.

I told several stories and had several "turd in the punch bowl" moments. Thank God for V. She would act interested and laugh. So when teacher went to the bathroom, V and I started talking "girl" talk. It was the best 10 minutes of the night. We were talking relationships and men. When teacher came back she was very uninterested and ready to go. We were suppose to run in a few stores next to the restaurant. Didn't happen. Teacher was done with me and my silly stories and giggly ways. Super fine with me. I was ready to pull the stick outta her ass.
So V and I continue the conversation about relationships in the car. We were talking about men appearing "perfect". Well naturally I said "Everyone thinks Dean is perfect, but he farts in the bed". You would have thought I said he screws male hookers every Tuesday night. Seriously, teacher gasped! What?! Does she not friggin fart? I mean really! Well V just runs with it and starts talking about how her little one farts in the bed. This was a conversation teacher was clearly not happy with. She changed the subject to how she completed college in 3 years. :rolls eyes: That is apparently because nobody introduced her to Mr.Bud or Miss. Wiser. Apparently the stick has been inserted for quit some time.
Don't get me wrong. I think that it is great that people have drive and goals.
I know that I am crass and rude. That is just how I roll, I guess. No kouth. Well I have some. I just chose to only use it at certain times. That night was not one of them.

So I found out that night that teacher does not get my kid at all! Ans's is the reigning burping champ and has been known to fart on people on purpose (she does get in trouble fyi). I also don't think I will be getting a "parent of the year" award".

I have not heard from teacher since. It is a pretty safe bet that I won't get asked out again. If I happen to get asked out, it is a sure bet that I will be busy. Oye!