I have been cruising the mommy blog directories, so I felt like I should put up a disclaimer for the new folks.


Yep! I am all of the above, with a little bit of nice rolled in for good measure (although I don’t show that often). I started this blog just wanting to shoot the shit…yes I do use potty words, they make me feel grown up (kinda)…and after 2 + months I have decided that is what I want to keep on doing. I love give away moms and PR moms rock…that is just not what I started this site for. The only thing I might give away is a small piece of my brain (I can’t afford a big piece, I would have nada left). I will dance for comments and I love followers, not just for the sake of following. If you like who I am and what I do- Follow me Bitches. If not, that is cool.

I am a non baby wearing, put your ass in a crib, drink from a bottle and a spanking you deserve is a spaning you will get mama. I DO NOT care how you raise your kid. If you want to breast feed until Junior High…that’s cool (I am gonna talk about your ass, but that is cool). No seriously, everyone parents in different ways. I parent the way I was parented and the way that 99% of the people I know were parented. I am from the south, so we tend to not be as “green” (unless you are talking about collards, I am all over that) as other regions. That does not mean I don’t respect others ways of parenting. I just ask that you respect mine.

I guess I should say when I talk about my awesomeness I am also being silly. I don’t think I am truly a Queen, or totally awesome…I have a few flaws…..just a few! ;o)




Thursday, December 31, 2009

I said the "T" word

My husband has totally shamed me! In yesterdays post I said the "T" word (Twat). He read my post and said "Oooooh you said a bad word". Mind you not all the F bombs, he says something about the T word.

The story of the T word actually goes back a few months ago. Dean's mother was visiting and she was changing the baby. She said "We have to clean your twat".

What did she just say? I looked at Dean and Dean looked at me...that is what I thought she said! Holy cow! Naturally when we get alone I am all over that like stink on shit.

"Dude! Your mama said TWAT! The only time I have ever heard the word twat uttered is in porn or dirty magazines (Yes, snarky assholes. I have done both! I needed to find out where babies came from. Now I know, so I have no use for that shit).

Dean was beside himself! He has never heard his mama talk like that, and she was talking about the baby to boot! He and I both agreeded that we had not heard that word used in general conversation. Normally it was only said during explicit sexual acts. That word was only one level below the C word that is used to refer to a womans private parts (*I NEVER use the C word! As I am typing this I am not even saying the C word in my head! That is how much I hate that word. If I ever say that word I am beyond pissed).

Well you know my snarky ass. I have to rub it in every chance I get. We would be laying in bed at night and I would say "Your mama said TWA-T (totally emphasizing the T). I love aggravating the hell outta him! Good times. As we talked about it we decided it must not be a bad word for her generation. That is the only thing we can come up with. I mean seriously, his mama is prolly going to be up for Saint hood that is how nice/perfect she is! I guess that is why it caught us so off guard. Well, we certainly have no one else to ask (Lord, I wish my grandmother was alive), so that is the assumption that we are going on. Sigh.

Well see here is the issue. It is not really acceptable now. What are we going to do if she teaches the baby that part is a twat? We say tutu for that part. I have no earthly idea why, but that is what we call it. Kinda silly, but I don't want my 2 year old running around saying vajayjay either. Dean said that if she said it again he would just ask her to call it a tutu.

That brings us to the night before last. She was giving the baby a bath and she said "Let me clean your twatie". All hell that didn't sound bad at all! So I decided if my saint of a mother in law said twat, so could I. Apparently, I didn't clue my hubby in on this revelation prior to him reading my blog yesterday.

Anyway, I am sorry if I offended. If that offended you prolly most of my post from yesterday did and you will never be back anyway. If you are reading to give me a second go round, I have permission to use that word from a very respectable source (M U C H!!! More respectable than I). If you keep reading me everyday, I am sure the T word will be the least of your worries for my soul. Thanks for the prayers!

So, tonight is New Year's Eve. It is 10 o'clock where I live, and I really, really want to be asleep. We drove 13+ hours today (getting up at 4 am). We are too pooped to peeter. We drive up into our beloved driveway and see the best sight in the world, our house...oh how I have missed my house! If it were not 38 degrees and sprinkling rain, I so would have laid right in my front yard and made grass angles. As we get out of the car we are greeted by our next door neighbor.

"Oh good! Y'all are home just in time for the fireworks".

Excuse me? What did he just say? In my true snarky fashion I say "No, we are just in time to get in the bed. We have been up since 4 and have been on the road all day".

"Awe, that is too bad. Jimmy (the other neighbor) works at the fireworks stand and we have a thousand dollars worth of fireworks to shoot off."

Is he fucking kidding me? Don't get me wrong. I am not a fire cracker scrooge, but a GRAND worth? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! That is some towns budget for fire crackers on the 4th!

They have been at it for 2 hours straight. Two fucking hours. It is only 10. He told me the "big show" was at 12 or 12:30. Holy cow.

All I have to say is that I am staying awake. However, if he wakes up my baby, I promise I will get a bottle rocket and shove it up his ass and send his ass to the moon. (Insert prayer here).

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

So! Who all gotta pap smear in their stocking?

I am a little way behind on this post. I have much better things to post about, but this is a quickie. We are on the road again tomorrow. I click my heels 3 times and told Dean if we did not go home soon bad things would happen to him while he was sleeping. Y'all have no idea how excited I am at the thought of being in my house, with my bed...and my big kids home. Yeah, I am so over the fucking holidays. I want some kinda normal back.

Anyway, back to pap smears. When I saw the CBS care public service announcement I about dropped my teeth. I am not saying that pap smears are not wonderful. I just totally jump for fucking joy when it is time for mine! There is nothing better then having cold, metal salad spoons inserted into your vagina and cranked apart. I love counting the ceiling tiles while my doctors face is inches from my womanhood.
What do yall think about during times like this? The Revolutionary War? Cute shoes at Koles? Try to remember if you took out something for dinner? Well if you are like me you are wondering how your doctor sizes yours up. I mean not in a sexual way, but damn...the mother fucker looks at vaginas all day. He must have some kinda 1-10 rating scale. I wonder if he writes that shit in code somewhere on your chart so that he can review how it ages every year?

Them there is the KY and Q tip nurse. Bless their hearts! They go to school for like a bazillion years to learn to squirt ky on a speculam and hand dude some Q-tips. Can you imagine the nightmares that woman has?!

I also wonder if you run into these people at the mall got they roll through their mental rolladex to get your last score? "Ahhh yes, hey April (total 8 *I think highly of my vagina).

I also feel sorry for GYNs. I mean there can not possibly be a poker night for these dudes. Can you imagine a bunch of guys sitting around talking and the topic turns to work?

"Well George, have ya seen any good twats recently?"

Can you say major HIPA violations.

Other dudes prolly think that they are gay. I mean, the average man thinks about sex every 4 minutes. Most dude would be humping fools if the got to see woman parts every 15 minutes.

Anyway, get a pap smear. Tell your hubby that the gift you want is for him to come along. I love making Dean squirm! It also gets you a few sympathy points when they remember back on the even. Next stop...smooshin our boobs between plastic plates! I can't wait to see Dean's face on that visit! :)

Monday, December 28, 2009

Why I have rules about public bathrooms...

First, I have a couple of new followers. I am a total follower also! Unfortunately I am on my suck ass Black Berry and I can't click right on over (I wonder if Black Berry will pay me for that product review?) So, when I get home I will clicky and let ya know with a comment. Sometimes I can comment, it just depends on how your blog is set up. Anyway, I will not forget!

So that brings me to my current post. Public bathrooms. All are gross. All! I avoid going to the bathroom at public places at all cost. To the point I am in serious physical pain. I am not sure why I have such a phobia. I mean it is not like I am going to take a bath in the toilet bowl. I always do the hover that all girls are taught from a very young age, so my tush does not hit the seat (unless I loose my balance). I will also shamefully admit I don't clean my shitter at home every day (cough*week*). There are times it is pretty hairy. I guess as long as it is my shit I don't have an aversion. Makes no sense, but that is how I poop.

So I have rules about public potties.
1. Never, ever, ever go to the bathroom in a gas station. Ever. This is like the grand daddy of bathroom rules.

2. Never go to a bathroom that is dimly lit. You really need to inspect each pot to see which one you want to not sit on.

3. Never go to a one seater bathroom. The shitter to cleaning ratio has to be outta this world.

4. When available, the best place to potty is hotel lobbies. I stole this from one of Dean's best friend's mother. OMG! How smart is she! And classy! She would never be caught dead reading a snarky blog like this, but if you are... This one is for you Miss M.E!

5. When you can, bring a wing woman to watch your door and get you TP if your stall is out (or you use it all lining the seat).

6. Kick the handle! Kick that bitch! So not touch it...ever. There are some toilets (the ones like house toilets) that you have to be gentle with.

7. Avoid the auto flush. Every fucking time I use a pot that has this I get piss shot up on my booty in mid stream. This invention was not ment for the hovering women. It turns the toilet into a piss bidet. Not good times.

Anyway, on our adventure on the way to my in laws I had to use a public bathroom. Why I think that I need to hold my piss until my eyeballs are floating and look like I have yellow jaundic, I have no idea. When I do this I tend to break some of the rules.

We had been on the road for 6 hours and my 1/2 a gallon of coffee was getting to me. We decided to make a stop in Jasper, AL to get something to eat and stretch our legs. As soon as we got off the exit it hit me. The "you better go right now" pee pee dance. It feels like someone is literary pressing on your stomach and your bladder is like a water balloon that is fixing to burst.
Me: Stop at the gas station

Dean: You don't go to the bathrooms at gas stations.

Me: Bitch! Did you hear me? I gotta fucking pee.

Dean: You have been saying you have had to pee for the last 30 minutes.

Me: Get me to a pot! NOW!

Dean: (laughing) Are you going in with you grandma house shoes on?

*I did not put on real shoes when I got dressed. I just left my house shoes on and threw my shoes in my bag. He found this humorous b/c I totally talk mad shit about lazy asses that don't get dressed to go to stores, or where house shoes out in public. Hahaha yeah, fuck him. I had to piss.

So we pull into this gas station that is also a fucking tanning bed! I shit you not! A fucking tanning bed! I hop out thinking I am about to have the best piss orgasm of the century! (I know that yall know what a piss orgasm is! That is when you have held it so friggin long and you finally get to piss it "hurts so good". Totally a piss orgasm!). I run inside and ask the attendant where the bathroom was and he pointed to the back. I looked up and it had 2 doors- Kings and Queens! Wooohoo. I have broken my #1 public shitter rule, but it was for a bathroom ment for a queen so it has to be ok! Right?

Fuck hell no! Totally wrong! I open the door and reach for the light and there is no fucking switch! WTF! How does a bathroom not have a fucking light switch? Well by this point I was in a place of no return. I had 2 choices. Hover in the dark or piss in my pants. Split decision, but I chose to hover. I snatched down my pants and pissed, and pissed, and pissed some more. It was totally freaking me out b/c I was in a fucking bathroom that has not been properly inspected, hovering in the dark. Totally screwed up my piss orgasm.

So I stand up and pull up my pants. I then try to figure out how in the hell I am going to flush in the dark! I opened the door to get some light and calculate the foot to lever distance for my kick. It is very hard to kick a toilet in house shoes, BTW. Then I had to let the door close and try to kick it in the dark. Yeah, that worked out well!
I was so fucking out of it I did not even button or zip my pants! I came running out (b/c at this point I was very traumatized) of the bathroom all hanging out. I noticed my jeans felt looser so I looked down and I about died! I hurriedly tired to fix myself thinking the whole time that dude prolly thinks I am shoving kit kats down my pants!


I get in the car and tell Dean to drive! Drive any friggin where! Get me the hell away from this tanning/gas station! I also told him that I was way traumatized and did not want to talk about what had just happened and the mother fucker made me relive it right then. Asshole!

I am alive!

I know yall were all super worried! LOL. We had Christmas and all that jazz, then went on a 12 1/2 road trip. So I have been too pooped to peeter. I have lots to blog about. I have even started a list so I will not friggin forget. I am on my phone, so some things will have to wait so that I can show you the purdy pictures (ohhh, ahhhh).

I did get my awards! Thank you to my great mommy bloggy friends. I love your blogs! They are better then snuff and not half as dusty! I am going to wait until I get home to pass them on. Home...ahhhh! When will that be? I have no frackin clue! Sometime before Sunday. That is when Frick and Frack come home from their father's house. Oh how I miss them! Oh how I miss my house. Did I tell yall I hate to go anywhere?!

Anyway, check back in the next day or so. I will have some posts up!


Thursday, December 24, 2009

12 days of Christmas


So yeah, I still suck. I am giving you days 5-12 all together!


Day 5---Ring pops


Day 6---- 6 boiled eggs, dyed red and green and coloring books


Day 7---- 2 of the cutest Christmas rubber duckies! 1 Santa and one snowman. In a bucket of water...the Swans flew away


Day 8---- Cholate milk


Day 9--- Fishing game (I had no idea what to do for ladies dancing!)


Day 10--- Frog a leaping!



Day 11--- A hodge podge! Little dollar toys and home made raindeer food.


Day 12---Pranksters Revealed! We also got them a 12 pack of fudgecicles and we made them homemade Christmas Ornaments.

The kids were sooooo surprised to find that Matty and Ansley were the pranksters! This has truly touched my childrens hearts and taught them a great lesson in giving and the joy of Christmas. I am so very proud of them...Thank you soooo much Ann Marie for sharing this wonderful idea!!!

I want to wish everyone a wonderful Christmas! Thank you God for sending your son to save us. Thank you Mary for delivering this very special gift! Love you all!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

I totally lied! and I am totally strange

I did not get the blog/pics up for the 12 days of Christmas. I suck and should be destroyed. Please spare me for my family. They don't know what they would do without there total nut job leader!

Seriously, I will TRY to get it up tomorrow. I have a big day planed, so I am not promising. The big kiddies and I are treckin out to the mall. Why you ask? Because my 9 year old has actually showed an interest in being a little girl! She is normally so wrapped up in being a tween. I long for the baby doll days and playing "mama and baby".
She wants a new build a bear. Yeah, I know...she has been sucked into an awful cultish obsession...but if she wants to be a kid, I am all for it!

Matty is the tag a long. He informed me last night he wanted a certain John Cena shirt for Christmas. Why do kids do that? Ugh! I, of course, went online to see if I could find this wonderful jewel. It was sold out. Apparently all the other little almost 11 year olds moms beat me to it...curses batman.

So I am looking for a make up gift. (Why, I have no idea. I finished shopping for them a few weeks ago). He kept telling me about the WWE sunggie. He said some of the wrestlers came out in them last week. (On a side note, how silly is that for grown ass men to be walking to a WRESTLING ring in an effin snuggie?). I looked online, no dice. So today I found one in the K-Mart sales paper. I ran right down, and they were sold the eff out. DAMN IT! They are suppose to be getting more in...we shall see.

So anyway, tomorrow we have the mall and lunch. Then we are going to dinner and Dean and I are taking them to a dollar movie (Cloudy with a chance of meat balls). Busy, busy.

Today, Ans and my MIL hit up Kmart for the sold out snuggie and Laney Claire a big girl car seat. We found a few other things...evil store.

We came home and watched The Wizard of Oz. Is it strange for a 32 year old woman to know that movie really well? My fav part is when the Tin Man dances. I get a kick out of it every single time :).

As I was watching the end I found myself thinking...if I was Dorothy I would have totally bitch slapped Glenda at the end. I mean, when she tells her that she could have went home at any time...she had the effin shoes...SLAP! Brainiac Scare Crow asked "Why didn't you tell her?". Then stupid "Good" witch says "She would not have believed me". SLAP SLAP. She wouldn't have believed her! Are you effin kidding me? Let's review. She went up in a twister. Her house landed on a witch. She is in effin MUNCHKIN land talking to a witch. I am going to go out on a limb and say if Glenda said "Click Your heels gal and get back home", she would have believed her. SLAP!
What a dumb bitch. I think she just wanted Dorothy to kill the wicked witch so she could be like the queen bitch witch. All I have to say is if April was Dorothy, that prissy ass would have a ruby red slipper up her booty. The flying monkeys were under Dorothy's command at that time...huge monkey shit turd on that bitch's head...that would be my command...but yall know I am a bitch, so does that really surprise you? LOL

Loving my family...

We totally have still been playing the 12 days pranksers game! I have just been super busy the last few day. No time to post! After tomorrow night I will catch yall up on days 5-8.

I am laying in bed and I can not sleep. I hate it! All of my family are tucked in, snug as bugs, and here I lay. Do you know how boring TV is at 2 am?
I am currently in a TV funk. I do this every so often. I get to where nothing can hold my interest, and could really care less if the thing is even on. Right now, I really only have 2 "must see" shows. Big Bang and reruns of Friends (that's kinda the same show, same premise...friends...2 get together...all are nuts).
I think I will get better after the first of the year. There are several of my favs coming back. So we shall see. But now, I am bored.
During the day, I have much excitement at home. The kids are balls to the wall and totally in the Christmas spirit. I can not tell you how much fun we are having. I almost wish that Christmas was not next week! We are having a blast every single day! I have officially been given the "Best Mom" award by my son. Awwww
Deano was going to be off starting this past friday, but he will be working Monday and Tuesday. That's cool. I have my little peeps to keep me in line. Laney Claire is totally loving having her brother and sister home. More attention for the princess! Yall know she is totally lacking, right?

We are getting to the point where we are teaching Laney Claire "no,no" and all that good jazz. We are traditionalist parents, and do believe in corporal punishment. Do we beat our 9 month old? Umm nope, but we will pop her hand. We have the same ideas as our pediatrician. It worked with the other two, so we are not going to try to fix it now. I believe that every parent should do what works for them and for their child. If spankings (popping) does not work for you, that is cool...to each his own.

That being said...things are interesting around here when Laney starts getting into stuff. We have a system of how we were advised to teach her. We always say "no". As soon as the other 2 hear she is getting into something they come running! They automatically sit down and divert her attention. Sometimes it works, and sometimes Miss. Stubborn has her eye on the prize and will not be swayed. The big kids start trying to tell her "That can hurt the baby. You can't do that. You will get a pankin". It really is so sweet. They both love every bit of her. Any worries of any jealousy have totally disappeared. They truly act like she is "their" baby. As a matter of fact, I hear once a week that I need to have another baby...that is a whole different story.

My Mother in law is in for Christmas. I am not sure what she makes of our nut house! We normally have something going on at all times. We have some one coming here, going there, doing this, watching that. You can call my house at any given time when the kids are out of school and I will promise you we are bouncing off the walls.
I am so glad. I have blogged before that I was in a depression. I don't know what changed, but I feel so much better. I think I have this blog to thank! I get an outlet.
Unfortunately, I have had limited time to blog, nor keep up with my blogging friends. That sucks. I have a whole list of stuff to blog about, but I just don't have the time right now. So much to do!
I love all my mommy friends! I hope you are all having a wonderful time leading up to your holiday (or during your holiday if you are Jewish).
I will try to make time tomorrow night to get a little caught up!

Good nite all! I am going to TRY to go to sleep...

Friday, December 18, 2009

Car line b4 a holiday= good times...not

I started today with exactly 3 hours worth of sleep. I am not loving is insomnia thing. LC was a little needy, and I was a lot grumpy. Sigh.
My awesome MIL (yes, I really like her) was on her way for her week long Christmas visit. I had a mess in the kitchen to clean and the laundry monster has been kicking my ass. Ugh. Did I mention 3 hours of sleep?

I tried to be a little chipper and get some stuff done (normally I sit like a bump and think about all the things I should be doing). I went out on my porch to beat a rug. I must not go out often enough! My next door neighbors were getting in their van. They stopped and came over to chat. The first thing dude said is "You look better". (WTF! Better then what?!). Then he back peddled. "I think last time I saw you, you must have been sick". (WTF!)(Dean always tells the neighbors I am sick. Fake sick so I don't have to actually talk to them). Then he says, "You cut your hair". (No shit Sherlock! 3 effin months ago!).
"Yeah, I think I was sick. I did cut my hair. It was falling out from when I had the baby, so I figured shorter would be better for now". (Thanks for noticing dick wad).
I must admit, I prolly look pretty sick. Not the good kinda sick either. He prolly was surprised to see me. I never set foot outside. Ever. That is mostly b/c I don't want to get dressed. Lazy ass!

So anyway, after all these pleasantries (he realized I am not the total troll he thought I was) he let me know I didn't have to pick up his son from school. Ok, whatever...


This is where it gets annoying.

My childrens school has 3 pick up lines. 3. One for K5-3rd grade. One for bus riders and one for 4th and 5th. I have it set up to pick up my kids at the 5th grade line so I don't have to go through 2 lines.

Since I was picking up a K5er I told my kids to meet me at that circle, except today I didn't have to go there. I had no way of telling them so of to the little circle I went.

Now I must tell you something about the little circle. These teachers do not play. It is like Ft Knox! No joke! They have a teacher position 1/2 a block away that you have to tell who you are picking up. She then takes it all the way up the ranks (3 other teachers). By magic, when you get to the circle, your kid is there! Awesome!
So I tell officer #1 who I am there after. I get to the circle and I see Ans, but no Matt. I was in a state of confusion. So confused that I didn't realize that a teacher had opened my van and threw my neighbors kid in. "Oh! Wait! He's not mine today! His mom is a few cars back (I saw them pull around). Poor little guy was so confused! So as she is snatching him out Ans gets in. "Where is your brother?"
"I don't know".
"Did you see him?"
So now teacher is going to close the door..."Merry Christmas"...
"Wait! I am missing a kid". (She is prolly thinking OMG, I just took one out of your van now you are bitching for another one!).
About this time my friggin daughter tells the teacher (not me) that Matt went to get a book...all the friggin way across the school. (WTF! Didn't I just ask her ass that!)
She tells me to pull up to wait. Well the little circle is little! I did not want to hold up traffic so I pulled out and parked right across the street to wait. About this time my neighbors come up. I have to relive the whole ordeal with them and tell them why I am waiting. This would be person #2 that I have had to hash this story out to. I see Matt, but they will not let him walk across the road so I have to go all the way around and get back in line...and tell officer #1 what the heck I am doing. Sigh.
I finally pick up my kid! Success. Not quite!
He is freaking spazzin out! He left his fracking agenda. So the eff what! He has no HW for 2 weeks. WTF does he need a friggin agenda for? OMG! Spazzin hits a new level. "Mama! I have to have it! I will get in trouble!".
"That is just stupid! Why do you need it?"
"They said I had to or I will get a bad mark! I have to have it!"
Ok fine! Whatever! Here we go to the big circle.
"Mama! We have to hurry! They said when the door closes I will be outta luck".
We get to the big circle. Thank God there were people there. He would have piss himself! He jumps out. Then his smartass math teacher (I mean smart ass in a good way. I like this dude) comes over and says "Hey lady! We don't accept drop offs!".
Dude really! Ugh! Did I mention how ridiculous he looked?! It was pj day (and I wonder why some adults are too lazy to get dressed, oh wait...that is me). Dude had on Steelers pj's and a Steelers Santa hat. I felt like shouting "Shut up Steeler Claus". I didn't. I just told him I didn't care, I was leaving Matt there. If I had my real smart ass hat on I would have drove away and made him shat in his Steelers jammies. Muhhahhhahhaaahha!

Have I mentioned I hate the car line?

Oh and the cherry on top. I look at myself in the rearview on the way home. I almost screamed! Damn if I look better now, I must have been really close to my fake death when he saw me last!

FYI. I got everything but laundry. I contained the beast to the garage, so that is what you will find me doing tomorrow. Good times- ack!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

On the 4th day of Christmas my pranksters gave to me...


Walkie Talkies!!!


We got them so they could "call" each other. I was excited about this because I would think that 3 and 5 year old brothers would love walkie talkies. I started picking 5 y/o from school for a few days since mommy just had the baby. I am soooooooo tempted to ask him...but I can't! Crap!

Our note said:

On the 4th day of Christmas my pranksters gave to me...

Walkie Talkies!

For you to "call" each other.

I know I suck at this note thing! I will try to do better tomorrow!

Wordless Wednesday

This is old, but I could not resist. I found it the other day while going through looking for Christmas card pics. I know I posted Laney last week. I promise to get the other kids in next week.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

On the 3rd day of Christmas my pranksters gave to me...



Some stinking french fries! That is all that we could think of that little kids would like. I also included 2 little Christmas fun pads.

The note said:

On the 3rd day of Christmas my pranksters gave to me...

Some french fries, they are the hens favorite snack.
We also gave you both a fun pad to play with very quietly while baby brother is sleeping.

I am very excited about tomorrow. Today we were off schedule because my older kids were in a Christmas play. We did not do the ding and run until 9:30 (we didn't ding that late, we just dropped it off).

The next few days ought to be fun. The french fries were the only real dud I thought.

Monday, December 14, 2009

This Ones About Poo If you dont like to read about poo, dont read :)

If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time you will know that I am totally random. One minute I a talking about psycho teachers and the next I have sweet posts about my kids and how I am trying to be a good mom and teach them how to be up standing people...yeah. Such as my life, I have 2 blog personalities. Sweet Mommy and Bad Mommy.
Bad Mommy does have some influence over the kids. They really like her when she dances around like a drunk chicken or laughs at something someone is wearing on TV (or in person). I try to have a mix of Sweet/Bad Mommy. Sometimes Bad Mommy gets a little more raunchy with her posts, and that brings me this post. If you like Sweet Mommy, this might not be the post for you.

That all being said, let's shoot the poo.

There comes a time in all relationships that you are totally comfortable with you partner. Issues arise over time and you have to deal with them. Like after you have been dating for 6 months and you take a huge dump in your boyfriends bathroom. I mean one that no amount of fabreeze will cover up. You can do one of 2 things. Walk out and act like your eyes are not watering or you are choking on your own stench, or walk out and say "Damn, I blow the mother effer up!".
See I am the kinda girl that does not ignore elephants in the room, esp if they have just stepped in 25 pounds of shit. Dean appreciates my candidness. I like to think my honesty mixed with poo smell is what made him fall madly in love with me!
This is a 2 way street. When you open poo up for discussion, be prepared...men LOVE to talk about shit! LOVE IT! The stinkier, the more impressive. It really is sick.

This brings me to my words for pooping. Let me give you a few of our code names for matters of the poo.

Shit Baby= poo
I am sure you prolly have heard of dropping kiddies off at the pool. This is my adaptation. Normally after you have a shit baby you come out and announce how big your baby was.
"I just had a 3lb 4oz shit baby".

Delivery Room= bathroom
Delivery Rooms are any bathrooms. If you are in public and there are stalls, this is a maternity ward. I do not use Delivery Rooms in public unless 100% chance I will not make it to my home delivery room.

Contractions= gas
This, as in real childbirth, can be false labor. You just have to be careful or you can shart (shit and fart at the same time). If you are not in a delivery room, this could make for a big mess and you would be minus a pair of drawers.

Labor= the pains you get in your stomach when birth is emanate. Normally it is contractions that built. Needless to say, you better be near a delivery room.

Multiple Births= Ugh! The most irritating. It is when you have delivered and then go into labor again. I really hate multiple births!

Just so you know I am totally weird and I totally fell from a weird tree. My parents also had code words for pooping. Theirs was not near as intricate as mine (I am a total over achiever when it comes to poop). They would simply say "I am having an SA". SA= shit attack.

So yes you know I am totally fracked up. I promise not to make another appearance, nor talk about poo for a long time...maybe.
Bad Mommy

On the 2nd day of Christmas my pranksters gave to me...



Can you tell what it is? Ha! I sure couldn't! It is little plastic turtles and Dove Cholate in a basket. So cute! I am sure the boys will like the turtles and Mommy could use the cholate!

Our note today said:

On the 2nd day of Christmas my pranksters gave to me...

Some little turtles and Dove Candy!

You have to be good or the jolly prankseters will leave your neighborhood...

Lame, I know...the best I could think up. I am already thinking of my note for tomorrow, so hopefully it will be better.


My Jolly Pranksters!


I got another AWARD!

Thank you sooooo much to MoonNStarMommy! She gave me this awesome award! Her blog rocks and you must go...now...right now I said!

Ok! So I hope you enjoyed her blog, and left her some love!


With this award I have to list 10 honest things about my life...this could be scary!

1. If I don't like a food I tell people I am allergic to it. It sounds soooo much better and it does not make me look like the picky ass that I am.

2. I use to be super dooper straight laced. Like total stick in my ass (please refer to "My date with the teacher"). I soon realized that was NO FUN!

3. I do not eat food with my hands. This is an OCD issue with me. I have been working on it. I eat everything with a fork or spoon. Even pizza. Like I said, I have been working on it. I had too b/c Ansley was picking up on my bad habits.

4. I ALWAYS us a straw at a resturant. ALWAYS. No discussion.

5. I don't drive at night (because I am becomeing my MOTHER!). Actually, I have to wear glasses and the headlights blind me. Yeah, I know, lame ass excuse...it is more the I am becoming my mother thing.

6. I am scared of failing my children. I want them to have the total childhood, teenage experience. When they look back, I want them to know how much I love them and not the mommy was a lazy ass.

7. I have battled with depression. I am not ashamed to admit that I am on meds (could you imagine my blog if I wasn't! WOW!). I saw the person that depression was making me and it is not the person that I wanted to be. So there you go!

8. My husband is my best friend. I can tell him any and everything. He loves me for the person I am, not the person that everyone thinks that I should be.

9. I really needed this award. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to myself...and I am answering!

10. If you ever go out with me you will have a BALL! I am one of those people that I always get into some kinda mess and it is normally elfin hellaruious. Oh the stories I have! Unfortunatlly I have a potty mouth. I have tried to curb it for my followers, but it is just so unnatural for me!!!!!!!!!!! lol I don't cuss this much around my kids...please don't go reporting my potty mouth to DSS.

So that is it. 10 things that you might not have known, that are all honest.
Now I get to pass this award along...yipee!

Nicloe at A New Normal
Jamee at A New Kind Of Normal
F.T.M atAdventures of a First Time Mom
Andrea at Brutally Honest
And last but not least!
Melissa at My life and how it is going

Love you guys! Keep blogging!!!

On the first day of Christmas my prankster gave to me...


I posted a blog a while back about a supertific idea that my mommy friend Ann Marie shared with me. It is where you pick a family/person to receive gifts from you for 12 days. Normally, this would coincide with the Epiphany, but my children are going to be visiting their dad during that time so we chose to do it the 12 nights leading up until Christmas. The "gifts" correlate to the song "The 12 days of Christmas". This can be done many ways, but we have decided to stay anonymous until the 12th day.

We chose our next door neighbors. They are super sweet and have welcomed us into the neighborhood with open arms. There is Mama, Daddy, 5 y/o son, 3 y/o son, and a brand new baby boy just born this past week! We also chose them because Mama just had a very tragic loss. Her brother was killed suddenly. Since my Grandmother passed this year, I know how hard the holidays can be. We figured this would give the little ones something to look forward to everyday, and a little mystery for Mama and Daddy to try to figure out.

All of the gifts we purchased were dollar store, or homemade. We did not have a ton to spend. This has been soooo much fun for my older children. I HIGHLY recommend doing this if you have older kids. They have been involved from day one. Every part has been as a whole family. We sat down and figured out what we could do for each day. Ansley and I went on a scavenger hunt for fabo items to go with our ideas. Fun! Fun! Fun! I can tell you now, this will be a yearly tradition in our home. I would not trade this time I have spent with my kids for the world. This also is teaching them the spirit of giving, and looking at our fellow man and seeing who might be in need...physical and emotional.

So the 1st day of Christmas is a Partridge in a Pear Tree. Not for us prankseters. I went to the dollar store and purchased a tiny fiber optic tree ($2). We dressed it out in ribbon and candy canes that we had. Ansley drew a cutie partridge for us to stick in the branches...and we would not be complete without pears...baby food, for the newest member of there clan.


We did include a note-
Dear 5y/o and 3 y/o (not using there names)
On the 1st day of Christmas my pranksters gave to me-
candy canes on a fiber optic tree. With a little partridge and some baby pears for your new little baby bear.

Ansley and Matt did a ding and run around 7ish. They had a blast! We can not WAIT until tomorrow!!! Will keep y'all posted!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

My date with the teacher

I am sure that this is going to be a huge shock to all of y'all, but I must admit to my social awkwardness. I apparently did not stand in that line, or take that class is school. I was apparently way too busy being a smart ass and thinking I was great. This has led me to several not so comfy situations in the past. Normally I mentally prepare myself so I curb my non filtered mouth. This time I was very ill prepared.

I had the brightest idea to invite Ans's teacher to diner. She is going through a rough time with the loss of Ms. T. I also invited V, a fabo mommy of a classmate of Ans (who's son is so friggin cute! I could just pinch him). Thank God I invited V. I do believe the teacher would have put a stop to diner and told be to get an elfin cab.
See, sometimes I say things that I think are way funny and really they are way not. UGH! Kinda like Chandler on Friends.

I knew that shit was going south when she picked me up and asked me if I knew were V lived. I must stop here and let everyone know I am directionaly challenged. Never, ever ask me for directions. I totally suck. V lives right around the corner from me so I got directions from the Chief (he knows to use small words when talking about directions). So when teacher asked I was "Oh yes she lives in bah bah subdivision". Well teacher had pulled out of my driveway and was 1/2 to V's house when she said "oh we can go the back way". Oh shit. You should also know that I have serious OCD about driving the way I know. Serious. She then whips the car around on 2 wheels and we proceed to go the "back way". Ugh! I am getting that feeling in my stomach.

As she is driving we come to a super sharp curb that she almost runs smack into. Then she says "Whoops! I guess I need to be paying attention and not looking at Christmas lights". YA THINK?! Yall should prolly also know I am a super freak about speeding. I got a ticket almost 5 years ago. Freaked me out. I don't speed and I had a speedometer installed in my ass. I can sit in the passenger seat and tell you how fast your going. Let's just say teacher is a little law breaker.

So we come in the back way to V's neighborhood. She then turns to me and asks what house. WTF! I don't elfin know. I am still 3 blocks back when we did Dukes of Hazard over a pot hole. I told her I didn't friggin know the back way. Ugh!!!!

This is when I knew. I knew that she and I were not gonna get along. Nope. She is a red and I am a blue. It just aint gonna work. Man! All women have been in this position before. Normally I have an "out" plan, but I had never been on the date with a teacher. I didn't think I needed one. When I dated prior to meeting Dean I had a "out" plan for all dates. My friend would call and ask what kind of pizza the kids ate (even if the kids were not with her). If I said "cheese" all was clear. If I said anything else she was to call back 10 mins later with a reason for me to come home-right away. I was 3 blocks from my house and I knew I had a big fat sausage pizza on my hands, but no one to call and give me my out. Shit.
We pick up V! THANK GOD! She is way more my speed. She was my saving grace for the rest of the night. I swear if I said I liked X the teacher would scoff and say that was stupid. She seriously could not hold a conversation about anything other then school and her class. Very strange. I am starting to think at this point she is the one with social ackwardness.

I told several stories and had several "turd in the punch bowl" moments. Thank God for V. She would act interested and laugh. So when teacher went to the bathroom, V and I started talking "girl" talk. It was the best 10 minutes of the night. We were talking relationships and men. When teacher came back she was very uninterested and ready to go. We were suppose to run in a few stores next to the restaurant. Didn't happen. Teacher was done with me and my silly stories and giggly ways. Super fine with me. I was ready to pull the stick outta her ass.
So V and I continue the conversation about relationships in the car. We were talking about men appearing "perfect". Well naturally I said "Everyone thinks Dean is perfect, but he farts in the bed". You would have thought I said he screws male hookers every Tuesday night. Seriously, teacher gasped! What?! Does she not friggin fart? I mean really! Well V just runs with it and starts talking about how her little one farts in the bed. This was a conversation teacher was clearly not happy with. She changed the subject to how she completed college in 3 years. :rolls eyes: That is apparently because nobody introduced her to Mr.Bud or Miss. Wiser. Apparently the stick has been inserted for quit some time.
Don't get me wrong. I think that it is great that people have drive and goals.
I know that I am crass and rude. That is just how I roll, I guess. No kouth. Well I have some. I just chose to only use it at certain times. That night was not one of them.

So I found out that night that teacher does not get my kid at all! Ans's is the reigning burping champ and has been known to fart on people on purpose (she does get in trouble fyi). I also don't think I will be getting a "parent of the year" award".

I have not heard from teacher since. It is a pretty safe bet that I won't get asked out again. If I happen to get asked out, it is a sure bet that I will be busy. Oye!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Student of the Month, Trash bags and Jump Ropes

MATT GOT STUDENT OF THE MONTH! Awww! My devil ball killer is sooooo sweet! I am so very proud of him, and Ansley. They have been at there new school only a few short months and both have made very good impressions! Student of the month! how elfin cool is that! He has made student of the month every single year since 1st grade! :) :) :) It made up for the D that he got on a quiz---at least it was in a subject he has an A in. I am not smarter then a 5th grader, so it is getting increasingly harder to help with home work. I take Language Arts and Reading. Dean takes MATH (because I SUCK) and science. We tag team on Social Studies. I think I get the way better end of the stick...or Matt does! HA! Anyway! I am super dooper proud! So yall have to deal with a little braggin!!!

On to another issue. My elder daughter. She looks like me, she talks like me, she is a mini version of me. That is not always a great thing. I am very, very clumsy. I take uncoordinated to a whole new level. She also has this trait. I am also uber competitive. I mean like "I am going to win if it kills me" competitive. She also has this trait.

These two traits do not usually work well together. See we cant be the best at sports because we ummm SUCK! I learned these limitations a long time ago. I don't back down from a challenge, but I am not going to a shoot out with out a elfin gun! I learned this lesson, and it is time for me to teach my grasshopper. I am not discouraging her, I am just explaining that some people have to work harder at some things. Just like she is a wiz in school. Some people have to work harder to achieve the grades she makes. Some people excel in physical activity. If she wants to do the same, she will have to work harder.

That brings me to this afternoon. My little sunshine came bee boppin in and wanted a jump rope. Why does she want a jump rope? Well, they are doing a jump roping unit in PE and if you can jump the jump rope 50 times you will be in the "Kangaroo Club". Ahh, I see! Matt and her best friend are in the "Kangaroo Club" and she is not happy with the fact that her name is not on that poster. Sigh. So my Little Miss Uncoordinated wants a jump rope. We don't have a jump rope. See, there is another nasty trait that my mini me has picked up...inpatients. She wanted me to go get a jump rope right then! Ummm I could not go because Chief was sick and I was on total kiddie duty. Aint no elfin way I was hauling my tribe to the store for a friggin jump rope...nope, aint gonna happen.

So what does Sunshine do? She goes and gets 20 plastic grocery bags and proceeds to try to make a jump rope. Very smugly, I might add. As she is working she says "I am like my mama, I think I can do anything." (Oh Lord! Do I really think that!...Does she think I really think that?)


So she ties all these bags together as Dean and I look on in amazement. When she is done she jumps up and tries it. No go! The bags are too light. This does not discourage my little inventive child. She decided she would make one with garbage bags.

By this point I was thoroughly intrigued. I jumped in and we cut up bags and braided them together. We had to apply some duct tape in a few spots...but we made us a damn good jump rope. Yipee!



So the big test came. She tried it out. It worked! Only, she does not work. She can only get about 3 jumps in before she gets tangled up. My poor baby. She has until next Wednesday to get this down so she can get her name on the "Kangaroo Club" list. If I were a betting woman, I would be her name is up there next week. She might be clumsy, but she is prideful. She told me that the only reason why she cared is because Matt was in the club and she did not want him to do anything better then her. OYE!Photobucket

So it takes us 4 big lawn trash bags and about 45 minutes of work. Whew! I am glad that is over...oh no I don't! Here comes my son whining he wants one and he wants to do the braiding. Teaching an ADD boy how to braid trash bag strips is like nailing jello to the wall. He actually did pretty good at first, but soon tired. He was not the only one! It took and hour and a half! I could have went to the dollar store and back 20 times! I am happy to say that both of my older children have trash bag jump ropes...does that make me a bad mother?


PS. I did try the jump rope out. Time has not improved my coordination at all... I will just leave it at that.

Wordless Wednesday

She is soooooo sweet!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Devil Balls!


First I would like to say I am very sorry for the poor quality of these pictures, but I took them with my phone because I am too lazy today to actually get out my camera.

We put up our tree the Saturday night after Thanksgiving. It is always one of those things that you want to do, but you don't want to do. It is not that I wish someone else would do it. I just hate that it makes a mess and just thinking about doing it makes me cringe. The first Christmas Dean and I were together we actually put up 2 trees. We musta been feeling really good that year. Since we put up only the one sad little tree. I call it my beautiful Charlie Brown tree. See since we got 2 trees that first year we opted for the cheaper versions. Not such a hot idea now that we only put one of them up! In the years since I have always said we could go after Christmas and get a better tree...that never happens. By Christmas morning my checkbook is all red in the spirit of the holiday, so we pack up Charlie until next year.
It is a pretty tree when you stretch out all the branches to cover the huge holes. You also have to strategically place the garland around the pole so you can't see the metal. Oh well! It is our tree and the kids love it. Well...I guess.

We all have jobs on tree day. Dean is the tree hauler inner. The kids bring in the ornaments. Dean puts it together and plugs the bad boy in. He is done! The kids and I are branch separators and hole plugger uppers. I then dilly out the ornaments for them to put on the tree. I have no rules about this. The way I look at it is the tree is theirs. Back when they first started decorating I instructed them to try not to put the same color ornaments together, but that is about it.

Ansley is always super in the holiday mood. My son, not so much. See if she could decorate the tree with the play station or it has anything to do with WWE, it might be up his ally. Normally, he gets frustrated with Ans bossing him about not putting the same colors together and he tries to bail. I think he has learned the man tricks of "if I elf it up I don't have to help".

This year was not different. Ans and I spread the branches and put on the garland while he looked on. He was diggin in the ornament tub, which is a big no no, and broke a ball. This is not a surprise. None of our decorations are expensive. I will get a nice, huge , Better Homes and Garden tree when my kids are much older. I do have several ornaments that are sentimental. All 3 kids have their "First Christmas" ornament. My brother made me a Mexican ornament in Spanish class when he was in middle school...and that is about it. So, a broken ball...no big deal.

Matthew's Booties 1999


Ansley's Angel 2000


Laney-Claire's Ball 2009


This is make me get his hiney up and make him and Ans start decorating the tree. I was dishing out the ornaments left and right. I tried to dig in the tub to get different types so the tree would look colorful. I came across some ornaments that Dean and I had bought that first Christmas. He and I both love poker, and this was during the time when Hold 'em was becoming very popular. The ornaments are glass balls that have playing cards on them. Some are red and some are black. Black! My son had a true hissy fit.

Matt: Black! You can't put black balls on a Christmas tree!
Me: Why not?
Matt: Those are DEVIL BALLS!
Me: (dying laughing) No they are not! They are just poker balls.
Matt: Devil Balls! Die Devil Balls!
He is literal trying to knock them off the tree!!!!!!!!!!!! I am doubled over laughing so hard!
Matt: Die Devil Balls!
Me: Matthew! Stop! They are not devil balls.
Matt: They are black and of the devil.
Me: Well the whole tree is pagan, son!
About this time Ansley accidentally knocks a ball off the tree! You guessed it! It was a devil ball!
Matt: See Mama! They are devil balls! Now we have released the demons!!!!!

I seriously thought I was going to pee in my pants. He was running around like Benny Hinn on Speed!
"We have released the demons!"

Thank God we were almost done with the tree. He still walks by and thumps the other "devil" balls. I guess he is trying to rid the tree of all the demons!

Evil Devil Ball


I mean really...


I am so p'ed off right now I can't even think! I hate being this angry! So I am fixin' to let it all out. SOME PEOPLE ARE SO ELFIN STUPID!!!

We recently moved to a new neighborhood prior to the new school year. We welcomed this move because we wanted the children to be in a more "neighborhood" type setting. I was also concerend with the direction the schools in that area were going. Well, Ans had several friends at her prior school. When we moved she called them all and gave them our new phone number. That was fine. We are only 20 minutes away and she still has play dates with one of the little girls.

Well, the issue arose the other day that this one particular little girl would call the house and just sit...not saying a word. Ans would hang up and the little girl would call back. Who knows what provokes children to do things. I made prank calls when I was a child. It is just a kid thing. However, it was becoming increasing annoying. Sometimes I would be changing the baby or have my hands in dish water and the child would call. You get the drift.

Several days ago she called 3 times in a row. I told Ans the next time she called I would answer. Well, she called tonight. I am going to mention that this child is calling from HER cell phone. This is the only number that I have to contact her or her parents. I answered and she played true and just sat there. I told her that I needed her mother to call me. She hung up. I called her back and got her voice mail. I politley said "This is Ansley's mother. Please have your mother call me as soon as possible". My phone rings again. She sits. I am getting annoyed. I have tried looking up her parents number, but had no such luck. I said "Hello, hello, hello...do not call my house again or I will have a trace put on the line and they can take your phone out". Hmmm maybe I should not have said that, but it was the truth. If you play on the phone you can have your phone taken out and you also can be brought up on criminal charges (I learned this when my mother caught me pranking. She told me that right before she spanked my booty).

So then I get a call from her mother. Ugh! This is where the stupidness begins. I answer the phone and I tell her what happened. She starts with her attitude...WTE (What the Elf!) Her kid is calling MY house for months playing these stupid games. I can't call her, because the EIGHT YEAR OLD is using her CELL PHONE! She stated that she would not let her child call my house again and Ansley was to never call her house again...like she ever had to worry about that...pfffttt. I said "Great! Problem solved! Have a nice night!" click...see she was wanting a "fight". I am not going to fight with an idiot. The bigger picture here is that her child was standing right there listening to all this trash.

You think the story ends here right...not a chance! The asshat called me back and proceeded to tell me that she was gonna kick my ass. WHAT! Let me rewind! dflkajdosfijadklfasklfjflkadakjnrifnaow...yeah I am pretty sure it was her kid that called MY house, yet she wants to kick MY ass? What kinda ELFED up thinking is that? I threatened her child? I wanted her to stop calling my damn house!!!!!!! Apparently, her mother was too busy smokin salem 100s and chatting it up on yahoo personals looking for her next baby daddy to actually parent her own child. I guess she was pissed because I ruined her mojo. WHO THE ELF BUYS THERE EIGHT YEAR OLD A ELFIN CELL PHONE! AGH!

Sorry, off my tack...anyway, after stating she was going to put her foot up my ass she said "Peace out Bitch"! PEACE OUT BITCH! PEACE OUT BITCH! WHO THE ELF SAYS THAT! Teenagers, hoes, and trash. Does she know who the elf she is talking to? I am a lover not a fighter, but I damn sure never back down from a fight. I have matured since having children and I have tried to teach them to not be aggressive, esp when the persons education level is about 1st grade. PEACE OUT BITCH! Sigh. What to do? Well I called the sharrifs department. I talked to a juvinal officer and he took down all the info and called my best friend back and told her that she nor her daughter should call my house again. If they did, it would be considered harrassment. Yeah! Wonder if she said "peace out bitch" to him?

So, I took this oppurtunity to talk to the kids about proper phone maners. I also asked them what they think a parent should do if a child plays on the phone. Matt said that the parent of the child that was playing should make the child call and appoligize to the other child/parent...be put on phone restriction, and have to write 400 sentance. Lord, I sure hope his kid never plays on the phone!! lol

Monday, December 7, 2009

Do you have to be Christian?

This is way off from my normal "fluff" topics, but it is something that I have had on my mind all day.

I have found that when people describe others in a favorable way the term "Christian" is often used as a powerful adverb. I also, have been guilty of using the word "Christian" in that way.

It hit me today. What does that really mean on a level of describing someone? Most of the time it indicates a type of security in the fact that the person is "good" or "trustworthy". It congers up ideas that the person is on a different level. One that non Christians will never attain.

This might just be common in the South. We also then take it a step further by saying a "Good Catholic" or a "Southern Baptist". This makes you feel even more secure if the beliefs are closer to your own. Like it is a secret club and as long as you are a member you are cool.

I don't know about you, but I know several Christians that I would not trust with my children. We both might believe in Jesus, but that does not qualify them to baby sit. On that same note, I also know some Jewish people that I would trust with my life.

If someone is agnostic, does that make them a bad person? Would you allow your children to play with children from a family that is Muslim?

I guess the argument could be made that Christianity is a way that you hold yourself and conduct your life. However, other religions also teach to be kind and giving. The fact that you believe in nothing, does not mean that you have no morals.

I guess this is the "center" part of me coming out. I think we should make decisions not based on someone religion (or lack there of). We should measure the content of ones character. I also think that religion is taught at home and people should respect that.

I am Christian. I am Catholic. Some people would not like me because they are of the belief that I hit my knees and I only "pray to Mary". Or that I support pedifilia. Oh how wrong would they be...

Wow! That kinda came off as a rant! It wasn't ment to be! I was just "typing out loud". I guess I just wonder what that truly means. Does it give you comfort inside if you know someone is a Christian? Why do we describe people in this way?

Saturday, December 5, 2009

A Saturday Night Quicky

I am in bed and so very tired, but I wanted to share some things that happened today.

The kids had a wonderful play date with 4 of their good friends from school. These children are true blessings! All are very bright and well mannered. Most of all, they are super caring. One of the little boys lost his mother 6 short days ago. These children have been such an inspiration of Christian love. I am so very proud of each and every one of them!

We made ornaments, had a dance contest, ate pizza and had warm brownies topped with cool whip and sprinkles. I had so much fun with these amazing children!

Anyway, I hope everyones weekend is ROCKIN! I know mine is going great. Still no Tooth Fairy, but she must have seen my post b/c my Laney-Claire did not seem to be fussing as much today. I am still going to kick her booty if she does not show up soon!

Hugs to all!

Friday, December 4, 2009

The Tooth Fairy is a BITCH!

I have had it with her! My baby has been teething for 6 of her almost 9 months. I am so ready for her to get some relief. So I have decided. If that bitch does not show in the next week, I am going to hunt her down and pluck her wings off one by one. Then I am going to kick her in the teeth.

A little extreme? Yeah! But I really don't care. She has pushed me to this point. I am a mother bear that will protect her cub! Stay tuned! If I go on a fairy hunt, I will let yall know!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The importance of older people

I have been meaning to do this blog for a couple of weeks, but the words escape me. I am going to try and hope that it all does not come out like a huge poop bomb.

When I was a little girl I had a very special person in my life, my grandmother. She left this earth in May. This was a very hard thing for me to grasp. Like everyone that deals with death, the finality is what upsets me the most. I can never call her up and say "Do you remember so and so?" or "How long do I cook this?".

I am very lucky though. I had an 11th grade US History teacher that gave me the assignment to talk to someone that was of different generations. One of the people I chose was her. I must tell you, that was a changing point in how I viewed older people. She shared with me all about her childhood. Not just the "I had to walk up hill, both ways" stories, but the stories of her life. How she grew up and married a Army man. How she has been all over the world, and how she raised her three little youngins. God knows she was not a saint! She was a good grandmother.

It leads me to think that everyone has a story. They might think their life is boring, but it might be stories that others treasure. Especially your family. I love hearing about when my mother was a little girl. I want these memories preserved for my children, to be passed down...so they know where and who they come from. I know I have my grandmothers temper, and she got it from her mother and so on. I have obviously passed this on to my daughter. I also like looking into Ansley eyes and know that she has a huge chunk of my American Indian heritage. These are all things that I might not have known if I did not talk to my grandmother.

I think it is very important to teach children to respect elders, but also learn for them. The week of Thanksgiving Matt went to a local nursing home with student council. I told him to soak up everything they say. He did. He came home and told me that he learned the true meaning of the Candy Cane. He was so very excited to share this with everyone while at the table during Thanksgiving. It made my heart smile that he took something so great away from that visit. You see, we think we are helping them...but they can really help us.

The Candy Cane Story

A candymaker in Indiana wanted to make a candy that would remind people of the true meaning of Christmas; so he made the candy cane to incorporate several symbols for the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ. He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy. White to symbolize the Virgin Birth and the sinless nature of Jesus, and hard to symbolize the Solid Rock, the foundation of the Church, and the firmness of the promises of God.

The candymaker then shaped his cane into the form of a "J" to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to the earth as Savior. It could also represent the staff of the "Good Shepherd" with which He reaches down to to reclaim the fallen lambs who, like sheep, have gone astray.

Thinking that the candy was somewhat plain, the candymaker stained it with red stripes. He used three small stripes to show the stripes of the scourging Jesus received. The large red stripe was for the blood shed by Christ on the cross so that we could have the promise of eternal life.







What the heck is up with PJ's?

I have noticed a new phenomenon. People don't want to get friggin dresses! Now I am not talking about the bloggin SAHM. We get a pass. Mainly because we have to schedule every aspect of personal business (including potty time) around our little darlings. I will be the first to admit I wear my lounging pants to go pick the kids up from school. Not a day goes by that I don't thing "Lord, please don't let me get in a wreck with these britches on". I hold my breath the whole .3 of a mile.

This is not the phenomenon I am speaking. I am talking about people (women) who wear pj pants to the grocery store. It seems like the times that I have seen this the woman was not thin...so it really stuck out. Hey! I am all about comfort, but I really don't wanta see Sponge Bob plastered across your ass. What makes a person think this looks acceptable to wear in public? Where are there husbands when they say "I am going shopping." Dean would says...you are gonna wear THAT. Not that he picks my clothes, but he does have common sense.

Apparently my son does not. The other day he was going outside to cut the grass, in PJ pants. Umm, try again skippy. Then I had to spend 10 minutes explaining to him why it was not appropriate to wear PJ pants while cutting the grass. Finally I had to pull out the "Go change your pants before I pull your eye brows off your face" threat.

It does not surprise me that he thinks it is ok. Have yall seen that stupid ass commercial where the chick is bragging about going to college in her PJs? Umm why is that a hook? I get the premise of the commercial. It is convenient for people who have busy schedules, but to little kids it is like "Cool I wanta go to that school! We don't have to get dresses!" Yeah that's great! What about when you have to join the real world and get a real job? Could you imagine going to a job interview in you PJs? Ha!

Oh! One more thing. This whole "Go to school in your PJs" thing is bogus. I have never been to college (I guess you can tell by how I write), but I would be willing to bet there are many pj bottomed co eds in AM classes at any given University.

We wonder why other countries excel. Maybe because they are not too lazy to get friggn dressed!

Yucky Mommy Chore

Todays blog is one that I am sure every mommy blogger has a post on already. However, I must add my 2 cents!


I can not stand it! I have never liked it from the very first load I washed when I was 10 years old. Now I have the pleasure of being the wash girl for 5 people. When 3 of the 5 are children it is really like 9.

Of course Laney Claire goes through a good bit. That is what babies do. However, them damn other natty ass kids throw clean clothes in with the dirty clothes and it just triples my loads. I am pretty sure I fixed them though...

I went on wash strike. It was painful, but I did it. I let all of their clothes get dirty. Then I would only wash a handful of clothes...not exactly the ones they wanted to wear. They did wear jeans 2 days in a row. I basically made it hell for them.

I did my strike for about 3 weeks. By last Saturday they were begging me to wash clothes. They even HELPED me! WOW! I did not have to go to their rooms to hunt any clothes. They took them all to the wash room. When the dryer would shut off Ansley would bring me clothes to fold and put the ones in the washer in the dryer. Dang! I should have went on strike a long time ago.

I finished up all the laundry today. I had one load for Dean and I. Yipee! Then it happened. Ansley choked and threw up on the bed! GREAT! Oh well! At least I know they are going to keep me around for a while. If for nothing else but to be their wash lady!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Bad Tiger!

I am a total celebrity watcher. I buy news rags (when I have $). I watch E!. I contribute to the delinquency of the tabloid journalist. I am bad. It is a horrible addiction (like blogging).
Here is my defense. They put their selves out there. They make mega bucks. They wanted to be famous. It is not like these frenzies just started. They knew what they were getting into. If they don't like it, pay for more security and get an assistant to run to Starbucks and get your skinny latte.

That brings me to my current blog. YOU GO ELIN! * Disclaimer* Please no hate mail about me supporting domestic violence. I am actually a DV survivor. However, if a man cheats on his wife, especially after she has stood beside him, needs a good knock.

I took care of said issues prior to my marriage. I told my husband that if he ever cheated on me I would chop off his dick and staple it to his forehead. The entire world would know he was a dick head. That visual made him shutter. Extreme? Yes. But Damn! There is a pirahna pool of women waiting to hop into bed with a married man. What friggin kinda woman does that? A bitch.

In womendom there are 2 digression that will get you shunned forever. The first is if you do not take care of your children. Other women can not stand a sorry mother. The second is if you screw another womans man.

Am I a harsh judge? Yep! I just think people ought to keep there pants on. If you are not happy in your marriage, go to councilling, go to church...not another womans bed!

Kudos to Elin to standing up to that rich asshole! If she forgive him, that is her choice. If not...take his ass to the bank!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Moo Mommy Monday Mooved!

I have started a whole blog for my weight loss journey. I need to keep myself accountable daily. If you are interested just clicky the linky on the right. There is not too much there, yet.