I have been cruising the mommy blog directories, so I felt like I should put up a disclaimer for the new folks.


Yep! I am all of the above, with a little bit of nice rolled in for good measure (although I don’t show that often). I started this blog just wanting to shoot the shit…yes I do use potty words, they make me feel grown up (kinda)…and after 2 + months I have decided that is what I want to keep on doing. I love give away moms and PR moms rock…that is just not what I started this site for. The only thing I might give away is a small piece of my brain (I can’t afford a big piece, I would have nada left). I will dance for comments and I love followers, not just for the sake of following. If you like who I am and what I do- Follow me Bitches. If not, that is cool.

I am a non baby wearing, put your ass in a crib, drink from a bottle and a spanking you deserve is a spaning you will get mama. I DO NOT care how you raise your kid. If you want to breast feed until Junior High…that’s cool (I am gonna talk about your ass, but that is cool). No seriously, everyone parents in different ways. I parent the way I was parented and the way that 99% of the people I know were parented. I am from the south, so we tend to not be as “green” (unless you are talking about collards, I am all over that) as other regions. That does not mean I don’t respect others ways of parenting. I just ask that you respect mine.

I guess I should say when I talk about my awesomeness I am also being silly. I don’t think I am truly a Queen, or totally awesome…I have a few flaws…..just a few! ;o)




Friday, January 22, 2010



Yea! I am totally sucking ass in the blogging department. I have plenty to blog about...I just have not pried myself away from the TV known as "shit hole" . I shall be back in the next few days to spew my great wisdom (bullshit)...ta ta 4 now!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Vacation Memory...Dumb Ass, Drag Queens and ACDC

I went over to Stir Fry and she had an awesome post today, so I figured I would copy and tell you about an interesting vacation that I have had.

Let's flip back the pages to the summer of 2002. Matt was 3. Ans was 18 months, and I was married to a dumb ass. Now when I say dumb ass, I mean DUMB ASS. I do not have the time, nor energy to explain why in the fuck I married such an idiot. I just did. I got 2 kids outta the deal. For that I am thankful.

My parents invited us to go with them to Daytona for a week. That was a great treat for us since I was a SAHM and DA did not make that much moola. Us getting to go on any kind of vacation was awesome (well as awesome as it can be married to a DA).

We did the beach and hit a dolphin experience dealy. We also went to the Meca of motor sports racing, Dayton International Speedway. I was totally stoked going there because I *was a huge NASCAR fan at the time.

One day my mother, who has a wicked sense of humor, came to me and pointed out a bar across the street from the condo. I was like big flappin deal. Oh no...this was a special bar.

Let me stop here and tell you that I love gay people. Love them. I guess it is their flamboyance, or flair. I don't know, but I would love to have a gay bestie. I have asked Dean where I might find a gay to hang with. He was no help. I came up with the idea to go to online dating sites and search men seeking men in my area. I am just not quite sure if that will work. I mean what would I say?
"Hi! I totally don't have the parts your are interested in, but I am looking for a BGFF. Are you interested?"
Yeah, I don't think that will work. My mom's bff was a gay. Unfortunately he passed. Damn him, he totally could have been my hook up. (This is all in jest people! I don't really damn him, but I am pissed he died).

Anyway, this bar was a gay bar. Who friggin cool is that? Well, wicked mother had a plan. She said I should take DA and not necessarily tell him anything other than it was a bar.
Holy shit bombs! What a fantastic idea!
I guess I should give you a little back ground on DA. You already know he is a DA. He is very judgmental and defiantly homophobic. He and I had never been to a bar together. I have never seen him drink. Yeah! Good times!
So I talk him into going. (Lord, as I write this story I am sure that I will be going to hell). We walk in and I about dropped my teeth! There were all these TVs all over the place that were playing videos of shirtles hard bodied men rubbing all over each other! It was fabulous! I could hardly contain my giggles as DA was getting checked out!!!! I have to stop here and tell you we did stick out like a sore thumb! We were defiantly the "straight" couple.
Other then the TV gyrations there was no actual dancing going on. Damn. (It had not dawned on DA that this was an alternative club). We order drinks, coke...how boring, and bellied up to the rail around the dance floor. No one was dancing, but we had great seats for the
DRAG SHOW!!!!!!!
Oh my! I about hyper ventilated when dude (do I call him a dude if he is way prettier then most women I know) came out in full drag! Hyper ventilated and shit in my pants! This guy was beautiful. Words can not describe the awe I was in. I had never seen a real live Queen before. It rocked!!!
In all my wonder I did not think to look at DA. A few minutes into the act he leans over and says "Is that a guy?"
OMFG! As if this could not get any better, it does!
I seriously thought I was going to piss in my pants. I just sat there and laughed. I did not even look at DA again for fear that I would piss in my pants.
So we sat through the first act deal and then it came time for an intermission. This older guy comes and bellies up on the other side of DA. He looked harmless. Like he was just as lost as DA was at this point. He starts talking to DA.

It was meaningless chit chat. I was not even paying much attention until dude asked if we came to places like this often. (Ears perked up). DA told him no, actually we have never been to a bar. Ok. Please let this man know that we are straight and are not looking for a good time.
Dude keeps talking. Then he jokes that we stick out as the token "straight" couple. Oh shit. Little bit more talking. Dude asks where we are staying.
Let me stop here and say DA has diarrhea of the mouth. He also would talk to a lamp post. He told our whole life story to this guy. I was sitting there about to die!

Then the guy said "I like AC/DC, do you?"

DA said "Yeah, their great!"

Fuck me!!! No wait! Not FUCK ME! Shit!

I stood up and said "No the hell you don't! Let's go!".

DA just sat there. For a split second I thought about leaving his ass there. "We have got to go! I am worried about the baby."

He scoffed at me. I was pissing him off. He and his new friend were starting to talk about music. That was right up his alley.

"No, we really have to leave". I started to back away. He finally agreed and as soon as we got outside he started bitching.

"You Dumb Ass! He was not asking about the group ACDC! He was asking about you sexual preferences!".
Then it took me 20 minutes to explain the AC/DC electric current thing and how that was a metaphor for being bisexual. I told yall he was a dumb ass.

I am just glad to say that he is someone elses problem now! LOL

Family Sunday and AWARDS!!!!!!!!!!


Yea! Family Sunday is Back! This is the first Family Sunday of the New Year. The big kids were gone for 9 days after Christmas so I decided not to post about Dean and I sitting around in sweats looking at each other.

Not that this weekend was much different. The kids were gone...again. This is the thing I hate the worst about Christmas holidays. They are gone, then some how the following weekend they go back? It always works like that. Then we have Matt's birthday next weekend so I will be super busy. Good thing is that Friday and Monday next week are out days at school, so we will have an extended weekend. Thank God because I am going to need it for everything we have planned! Yikes!

This weekend was very low key. We did not even leave the house. It was too damn cold. I know that all my friends in the north are thinking I am a whiney ass, and I am. I have always said that I would love to live up north, but not so much right now. These 20's are getting to me. I would become a hermit if I lived in the north. I have not left this house since Tuesday when we took LC to the Doc for a well baby check. I have no plans of leaving again, but I have to pick up the kids at school tomorrow, so I guess I will.

The kids came home and immediately we have to have our Wii Championship dealy. Matt was the reigning champ (acquired on Friday). Dean and Ansley battled out and Dean became #1 contender for the belt. We have a long complex list of rules. Rules that my son often begs the commissioner (Me) to bend in his favor. When I tell you this family is cut throat, you really have no idea. We can make ANYTHING a competition. So Dean beat Matt. Got the belt back. Time for contender matches again. Well I decided I wanted to play and not just comish. My Ans LAUGHED and said that "Mama has never had the belt". Like it was insane that I would even think that I could beat any of them. Haha! I promptly beat her little ass and then whipped Matts ass so who is the #1 contender for the belt?? That would be ME!

We did not have time to finish the final match (Dean and I for the belt) because it was time for me to cook. Tomorrow...it is on! I want to win just to shut their little asses up. See, that is how I work. I don't want something really bad until someone tells me I CAN'T do it. Then it is all about me showing I can. I will let y'all know tomorrow how that all works out for me...fingers X.

We had pancakes for supper. LC ate them up. We have the ridges of one tooth that popped through on Saturday night. That girl is so ready to eat!

The kids were super wild tonight (that is how it rolls when they come home) and LC joined in on the fun. They were all acting like crazy asses. Matt made the mistake of rolling his eyes at me...that is like a HUGE rule in my house. No one rolls there eyes at me. No one. Ask Dean. He did it one time. It was a good thing he was driving or I would have poked his eyes out.

So naturally I have to think of a super pain in the ass punishment. Listen up mommies. The best punishment you can give a kid is one that they think that they will not mind doing. Kinda like facing the door, putting your nose on the door and singing. Matt was in hog heaven. Until Dean changed it up and made him recite time tables. 1-12 baby. He was pissed. I don't think that he will be rolling is eye balls at me again any time soon :)

That is about it for my Sunday. Next week will be much more exciting!!!

Now for my award!!!

Ruby @ Growing up Blackxican...

Growing Up Blackxican

Great blog! Great Mommy! Great ideas!! Love it! Love how much she love her family!!!

gave me the Beautiful Blogger Award

I love this award because it came from a blogger that I also think is a beautiful blogger!

So there are some rulies attached to accepting this award. First 7 things about me...

1. I am left handed.
2. I had my first child at 22. (Well almost).
3. I have never broken a bone. Surprising since I am soooo clumsy.
4. I hate chocolate. Except when Flo is visiting.
5. I totally believe in ghosts.
6. I love, love, love to play poker. I am normally very under estimated, and win.
7. I am not a morning person. Not. at. all. Do not speak to me until I speak to you grumpy.

Now the best/hardest part. I have to award this to 7 beautiful bloggers. I love and hate this at the same time. I have so many blogs that I love to death. If I leave you off, trust me, it is not because I wanted to...can I change the 7 to 107???

1. Naomi at Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip

2. Dawn at Nicest Meany

3. Karrah at Eggs Don't Bounce

4. Niki at Miss Understood

5. Christie at Baby Tea Leaves

6. Annissa Rae at Moon N Star Mommy

7. Katrina at Kat's Confessions

UGH! That took me soooo long! Seriously! lol

Now enough of all that nice stuff...I will be back to snark away tomorrow!!! Muhhahhhaaa

Friday, January 8, 2010

Today, I am Aunt Becky's Bitch

Here is the thing. I love Aunt Becky. I love her blog. If you have not been to her blog, you must go...now...I will wait....(elevator music)

Mommy Wants Vodka

Ok, now that you have been you understand why I think that she is full of awesome. You prolly also saw that she is doing a give a way dealy for Amazon. I kinda want that card, but I kinda just want to spread her glory (totally sucking up, come on magic number generator *wink*). As part of this give away I have to do this interview.....so away we go

1) Dave and I have a long-standing feud over cheese in a can. He thinks it’s food of The Gods while I think it’s probably Of The Devil. Your take? DEVIL, the NASTY DEVIL

2) Is there any way you can think of to make the elder Gosselins go away? I AM ALL EARS. I posted yesterday that I wish we could put them in a bubble and they would fly away. Maybe I can contact Balloon Boy's parents and they can give me the hooooooook up! (When they get outta jail and all that jazz).

3) Who is your ridiculous “I can’t admit this to anyone in polite company lest I be banned from life” crush? Well, I am pretty open about my crushes. The most ridiculous one I have is also the man of a lot of women's dreams right now...EDWARD. Yea, I am in love with a fictional 100 something year old teen age vampire. What! lol

4) If you could fuck it all and pursue your dream (assuming, of course, you were going to be GOOD at it), what would that dream be? AHHHHH I just figured this out. Of course I want to be a writer. I mean, yeah I would love to be a play boy bunny and be the next "Girl Next Door" but I am not thinking that they have a market for thirty something, over weight, married mother of 3...but ya never know...there is a fetish market.

5) They say “living well is the best revenge.” I think they are wrong. Do you?
Who is "they" and what are they referring too? If they say "living well" is eating grass and exercising 7 hours a day...not so much. If "living well" is pimpin in a mansion and having shirtless men feed me grapes....hell yeah!.

6) What is the most humiliation you’ve experienced in public that you’d be willing to admit to The Internet?

Lord, I am humiliated on a daily basis. I have 2 snarky ass kids that share all of my secrets. If they let up I have my dear hubs or my brother that will finnish me off.
I guess when Ansley told everyone I was wearing fake hair...only b/c that is the only thing I can think of right off the top of my head.

7) Are you honest with The Internet? Like, if I came over to your house tonight (heh)(I’m coming over, yo)(heh) would I be surprised at who I found?

Not so much. I let it all hang out.

8 ) If you could have one talent that you don’t currently possess, what would it be?
I want to be Jeanie from I Dream of Jeanie. Then I can blink up what ever I wanted (like a maid and a chef).

9) There’s not always room for Jello. Is there? Yes...but not so much orange.

10) What’s your guiltiest of the guilty pleasures?

Reading AB blog of course! (over at Toy With Me)

As if this woman wasn't scary enough...



Have y'all seen this crap? She is SCARY! Can you imagine what here babies are thinking?

"Holy shit! What has this wacked out bitch done to her face now?!"

I am all for a good beauty regimen, but come the fuck on. Did she not think that the paparazzi would not catch her in all this glory? Hell yeah! I guess she was not getting enough press time so she decided that she needed to spice things up and come out in Grinch face.

Nice! What and idiot. If I had 14 kids I prolly would not even have time to wipe my butt more or less smear that crap on my face. I love her Abominable slippers. I wonder if she swiped them off of her older kids?

I wish that she would get in the bubble with Jon and Kate and float away.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I am Giving an Award to.......Stir-Fry Awsomeness


I have decided that since I am full of the awesome (or crap, which ever you prefer to call it) I am starting a new award. This is the PIMP Award. PEE IN MY PANTS Funny! I must say that I have SEVERAL mommy bloggers that make me PIMP, but I have narrowed it to one and only one this week. I think that if this catches on I will give it out every Friday.

Anyway----- Week 1 goes to Stir Fry Awesomeness, well ...because she is awesome and her Horton post made me PIMP. Please check her bloggy out

Stir Fry Awesomeness

I am not good with rules and all that junk that comes with awards. I just say that if you want to pass it go for it! If someone finds a post and wants to award this, go for it! I only ask that you send me the linky so I can PIMP also!!

UGH! Enough of these people already!

Here I was thinking that the new year would be Jon and Kate free. Wrong. These total dumb asses have divorced and canceled their show so why are they still front page news...



I could really give a shit less if Katie does a Britney and shave that shit off. Why is she on the cover of PEOPLE? She has been on the cover of that magazine more in the last 5 months then Brad Pitt has had sexiest man of the year. Well, not really, but it damn seems like it. I am all for getting on and feeling better for yourself after a divorce, especially when you were married to a douche like Jon, but damn it do you have to grace the fucking cover of every fucking magazine to to this? We all know you got some new puppies, we saw them falling out of your bathing suit last summer. She is a narcissist. Totally.



So this prick head was getting $10 GRAND for public appearances. WTF! I would not give is asshole $10 fucking bucks to shine my shoes. Who the hell wants to party with someone who's rise to fame included wacking off in a cup? Then acting like a total pansy on TV. I use to like Jon, but he is way caught up now!
Ha! But the judge totally cock blocked his ass. TLC is suing him for breach of contract since he had the kiddies removed from the show and thrown off this land. I get TLC's point. They had $ invested. I am not saying I am for or against the kids being on TV (I am against, against, against when you have dumb fucks for parents) but dude was totally just doing it to be a dick. WELLLLL, Karma baby got his ass by the balls. TLC put in an injunction for him to stop doing public appearances for moola because they had built up the show as a "whole some family show" and that just will not fly when Johnny is doing body shots off of half dressed co eds. Sigh. I wonder how he will make his child support payments...oh wait he has a date with Octo Mom! Dude, can I be your manager?

I think these people deserve each other. They better be glad I am not the judge. I would order the cameras off, accounts frozen, and they have to remain married and living together for one year until I would grant the divorce. She needs to be knocked off her virtual pedestal and fire who ever is in charge of the helium that is inflating her head. He needs to put on a chastity belt and get back to being the good father he once was.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Please excuse my fat ass...

I don't know if I am an emotional snark today because my sweet aunt (see post below) is visiting or I am just having the POMs (Poor Ole Mes) because I have super sized my ass to another zip code. I am like Eeyore today, except really pissed. Could yall imagine Eeyore pissed? O my.

"Hey Eeyore, what's wrong"

"You wanta know what's wrong? I am a fat ass purple donkey with a fucking pin on tail. Why don't you go put that in your honey pot and sit on it. And while your at it get that fucking tiger off red bull and speed".

Yeah, I don't know where the hell that came from. Back to my original post.

Last night was the premier of NBCs The Biggest Loser. I tend to avoid this show b/c it make me feel even more like a fat ass to watch it and eat a huge bowl of ice cream. However, in the wake of the new year and my new goals, I have decided that it might keep me on track. If no other time, but when the actual show is on.

While watching last nights show I was periodically checking in with my face book peeps. Why? Well, I am addicted. Several other people must have this addiction because we all were posting about TBL.

If you don't watch TBL I will give you a little recap of the first part of the show last night. They have 11 teams of people that are related. Brothers, mothers and sons, mothers and daughters...you get the drift. Well in past TBL they would go to the "ranch" and weigh in for the first time. The teams had to weigh in at their home towns in front of a lot of people. While this may not seem like a big deal since the weigh in will be on national tv anyway, it is. See, normally by the time the show airs the contestants are well on their weight loss journey to never return to that old version of them self. They had to confront their demons right there in their town with people all around. Brave shit if you ask me!

Well apparently not to everyone! A chick that I went to HS with posted this as a status (actual status).

Biggest loser is on! Could you imagine getting on a scale in front of your whole town? Yesterday at 9:05pm - via Face book for iPhone

So yeah! This is cool. Several people posted how they would be appalled, yada yada yada. Then this stupid uber bitch that I also went to HS with posted this: (actual post, but I changed her name)

Total sucky ass bitch at 9:14pm yesterdayno, but i guess if you're that big everyone already has a guess as to how much you weigh. It's not like you can hide 300 pouds

If I could virtually bitch slap this mean girl I totally would, twice.

I wonder if everyone can look at her and tell that she is a t total bitch?

Ugh! Reading that over again just pisses me off. Does she think theses people chose to wake up in the morning and be 300 pounds? FHI (for her info) I too am one of these fatties. I do not wish to be this way. I have been this way since I was a little girl.

I sure hope this chicky does not meet my good friend Karma. I bet Karma has big fat plans for this bitch.

NBC, a new show idea...The Biggest Dumbass.

Karma and Flo...2 bad ass super bitches

...That the bitch finally kills me!

Wait! You say! Who is trying to kill the mama on the potty?

That fucking bitch Flo! If you have been a long time reader (the whole 2 months) of my blog you will know that I have a hate/hate relationship with my very bitchy relative that comes to visit every month. I hate her. I mean I really would like to just totally kick her ass.

Every single month it gets worse and worse. Be careful my snarky friends that are reading this thinking "What a freakin whiney baby". I was you and you will be me. I use to talk MAD SHIT about women that whined every month. I could not believe how weak these silly women were. Surly they were just all fat, lazy asses that wanted to take a day off from life. Snark, Snark.

Then I met my new friend (totally more like a frienemy) Karma. Oh my friend Karma is truly the queen of smartass snarkinest. She had perfected "Come back to bite you in the ass".

Now, this is where I live. Every 28 days. Like clockwork. That bitch Flo must love the hell outta me, or not. I uncovered her evil plans a few months ago.

I had been telling Dean every month that I was bleeding to death. He just did his obligatory pat on the head and told me that I was not going to die. Well, we went a few days later to give blood. I filled out paperwork, sat around, answered questions, sat around and then when I was almost to the chair the chick checked my hemoglobin. Too low. She checked it again, too low. WTF! I have not had issues with my hemoglobin since I was pg with Matt. Then she asked if I was on.

What? My mind was racing. "On". WTF does that mean? Ooooohhhh! Light Bulb! Yes! Yes! I was "on" my period. She then told me that sometime that happens and to try back in a couple of weeks.

Whew! As I stepped out of the blood mobile I felt relieved that I did not have to figure out what I might be dying from. It was just that ole bitch Flo. That is when it dawned on me! That fucking bitch is trying to kill me!

I got in the van and Dean was surprised it did not take too long (he was waiting with LC). I looked him square in the face and said "I told you that bitch was trying to kill me!". He was a little confused until I explained. I have to admit he is good about this new Flo. When we got married, I barley mentioned when she would come. Now, it is a huge announcement...in the days leading up to her arrival. (FYI I totally blame this bitch for the "eating out of the trash" incident the other day).

This morning I was laying in bed on my dingle berry (totally my new name for my shitty black berry. FYI that is where I am posting from now since I am in so much pain) and he asked me what I was doing.

Me: Trying to figure out if I remove my uterus and I die will that be suicide.

D: Contemplating at home surgery again.

Me: Yep! It can't feel any worse!

(Yes I have thought about at home surgery. But that is another post for another day. Today is all about me whining).

Ok Karma! I get it! I am a bad bitch. I need to be nicer and stop talking about people (I am sure that is not going to happen, but I know that I NEED to). I understand that I am not friggin perfect, even though I do a damn convincing job. So, please I beg...call off your dog! Make Flo be nice! If she kills me you can not sit back and laugh at me when you give me chin hair, or my children act a fool like I did when I was a kid. Think about all the fun you will be missing out on. I am much more useful to you a live then dead.

Anyway, since my super wonderful aunt (see how sweet I can be) will be here visiting today, and she loves for us to lay in the bed. I will be reading blogs from my phone. Boo b/c on most sites I can't comment. Hopefully this post will get to Karma soon and she will allow Flo to let me up so I can get some things accomplished. I hope she does not have an in with Santa. That bastard has way too much shit on me!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

My letter Atlanta

Dear Atlanta Visitors Bureau-

I recently came though your fair city on a trip to visit my family in Arkansas. This was not my first trip through Atlanta. I live a mear 2 1/2 hours away and can get there in a jiffy. On the way to your city I was thinking to myself "Why don't we do this more often? We live so very close and Atlanta has huge cultural and learning opportunities for our kids. It is a super easy drive and a very easy day trip. Yes, we must do this in the new year". Then we hit your super sonic crazy ass interstate going through town. *OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS!

I must say that the drivers in your city are rather aggressive. I don't think this is a nastiness (I mean we are all from the south, so to be sure all of your citizens are purdy friendly). I think it is out of pure necessity. If you don't stick your dick out there, you will get killed. KILLED... Splat...Dead...Kinda like when Wild E Coyote would chase the road runner.

Apparently you have noticed this because as we drove we saw all kinds of signs for GAs new "Super Speeder" laws. Naturally, I was curious what exactly a "super speeder" was so I googled it on my black berry. I must say that this law is very interesting and I am wondering if you are hiring more popo to write tickets. I mean 85 on I20 is like walking the dog on a sunny spring day. If you go below 75 the car behind you is examining what you have in your back seat. I am also wondering if the name of this new law is a great fit. I mean, some people will take this on as a challenge. Like they will get a gold star along with their extra $200 fine. Hey! Maybe that is an idea! You can give all the super speeders huge gold stars so that we all know to stay the fuck away from them.

The trip on the way to Arkansas was not that bad because we were going through your city at 7am. On the way back was a horse of a different color. Have any of you actually traveled on this road. I mean really! It is like the final lap of a NASCAR race and let me tell you I think that several of your citizens believe in the term "Rubbin's Racing". I think my car has a few war stripes, I know my under ware do! (FYI I have enclose a bill for those drawers. They were my favorite pair and I totally find y'all responsible).

Now I know I am just a plain ole simple girl from Augusta, and you are prolly thinking "OMG, what a whiney baby!". I know that there are bigger cities and I know that people drive insane in those cities. I guess I just expect a little more from the capitol of the south.

That being said I have a proposition for you. A visitors lane. A lane where only visitors can travel free from fear of being mowed down by the idiot that live in your city. This actually would cost you nothing. All you have to do is convert one of the 12 lanes you currently have. Place strict fines for residents that enter the visitors lane. I can guarantee that your tourism will pick up. That is just plain out hospitality.

In closing, if you have any questions about my visit...or just want to pick my genius brains for other ideas for your city...email me. I have enclosed a few pictures of where I actually shat in my pants. If you choose not to pay me for my drawers, these will be used as evidence.



Your Snarky Tourist,
The Mama that thinks on the pot

Monday, January 4, 2010

This blog is going in the pot!

I have been bloggin for almost 2 months. I have learned a lot of things! Yeah, me and everyone that I have learned from! I want to change up a few things because, well...I can. Actually, I have decided to be what I am...a smart ass. I cuss, I fuss and I love my family more then anything in the world. I am the friend that your husbands will not want you to talk to b/c I dont take shit. I shovled shit for 8 years and I am done with it.

I am snarky and mean. I am sorry if this offends, not intended I am sure. It is just who I am. I have stuff about the 3 Musketeers and The Cheif on here all the time (you know that fluffy mommy crap I post). That is sticking around b/c that,also, is who I am. This blog is my outlet. My kids do not read it, so no DSS calls please.

"Why the heck did you name the blog 'Mama is on the Potty'"?

Well, that is where I get my best thinking done. Normally, it is the only place I can be alone. This is generally where I come up with my blog ideas. I thought it was fittin.

ANYWAY! Here it is! I have a new button, but the old one will still work. I love, love, love comments! I actually know that people are reading and getting my wacked out personality.

I am off now to hump some other blogs!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Will Power...Oh Will Power...Where the hell are you Will Power


I have been officially up for approximately 1 hour. In that hour I have already done a very bad thing. In my defence...I tried to be good! I got up and ate a bowl of cereal. Not the kind that have cartoon characters on the box either! Yeah me!

Then Deano went to the store to pick up a newspaper (Oh yeah, that is my other new thing for the new year that I neglected to mention because I am totally planning for failure...being way frugal. So naturally, I needed the coupons). While he was gone I decided to pick up a little. I came across a bag of candy. I am not going into full blown description about said candy. If I do, things will just get ugly. My wonderful mother in law gave me this candy for Christmas. If I had of been home the week between Christmas and New Year's that bitch would have been long gone! However, it was starting me in the face.

Do you know how convincing a bag of candy can be. It is like a horny gigolo trying to get into a virgins pants. It starts with one little peck and the next thing you know the virgin is doing things that she did not even know existed, and are prolly very illegal in several states. That is how this bag of candy seduced me. Now I know y'all are saying "Fuck this crazy fat bitch! She knows she had had several rodeos with bags of candy! How do you think her ass got that BIG! Hum! Bag of candy virgin my ass!".

You are very correct! I have had my hay day and screwed my bags of candy in the past. I am not gonna lie...they were all damn good, but I always felt bad about myself the next day...or the next time I looked into a full length mirror. If you read my 2010 post below you will see that I am totally on the reform and this effin bag of candy was waiting. Totally fucking up my goals. The path to hell is paved with good intentions...or toffee treasures as this case may be.

I started of so good! I held the bag of candy in my hand and said "You know I love you. I just can't do this anymore. You are not good for me." The bag of candy just stared back at me with the promises of creamy chocolate and crunchy toffee. Bitch. I opened the bag and said "Fine, one piece and the rest of you are going in the trash." I carefully selected the very best piece for my mouth euphoria. At this point in my story you would think that I unwrapped the piece ever so slowly and savored every yummy chew. Nah, not me. I am like a man with sex when it comes to eating. I just shoved that bitch into my pie hole and chewed it as fast as I could. Was it satisfying? Hell yeah! Did I want more? Hell Yeah! So what do I do?

Throw the bag in the trash! That's right! I threw that bitch in the trash! Yeah me! Umm not really. About 15 minutes later I dug that bitch outta the trash and ate 4 or 5 (8) more pieces. Y'all thought I did good didn't you? Ha! Apparently y'all don't know just how big of a fat ass I am. I am not above diggin in the trash for candy! Right now the remaining candy friends are pushed far down into the trash. I can hear them calling me though. I am ignoring them as I type this.

I need to find this person that I keep hearing people talk about. They say that he is really good when you have vices that you just can't seem to shake. I think his name is Will...Will Power. I have never met him in my whole life, but I hear he can whip my ass in shape and he is actually FREE! No fancy smachy pills that make you shit 100 times a day, or hype you up like a crack whore looking for a hit (although when I took Adapex I got A LOT of shit done!). Apparently, he also works on other things also, not just keeping me for gorging myself from trash can food. He will help me clean my house, and exercise...please Mr. Will Power, be my bestie forever!

Now where did I put his number?

Saturday, January 2, 2010

My Decade...and other stuff

Naturally I am a few days late on my New Year's post. I am sure y'all are use to that by now. I am finally home and my wonderful *COUGH COUGH COUGH* husband pissed me off, so he moved my computer into the house for penance. It was in the garage, and I was freezing my booty off when I would actually get online. He is off this coming week, and this was a on his "honey do" list. My pissed offness just elevated it to the top of the list. So I am happy to say, I am not totally freezing my tooshie off to type this. Yeah!

Anyway....When thinking about my New Year's post I started reflecting on the last 10 years. I have been a busy bitch! I mean BIIIZZZZAAAA! I had a kid already....


10 months into 2000 I had another...


Then I decided I was really sick of the huge piles of horse shit that my ex was dumping on me daily, so I got the big DIVORCE. It was wonderful. People say that divorce is like death...nah. I cry and get really sad when people die. I had an effin party when the divorce papers were signed. That sounds way bitchy. I guess it is, but y'all have no idea what I went through with that relationship. I did not want my children growing up thinking that was the way that families were suppose to function, and how men are suppose to treat women.

So, I had a little wild time. I got a drunk on a few times. I kissed lots of frogs. Basically, did the "wild divorce" thing (not around my kiddies people, no shitty comments). I was totally not looking for a relationship, at all...then


I met him. Fucker, ruined all my fun! JUST KIDDING! I was over all that wild junk as soon as it began. I will admit, I was NOT, NOT, NOT looking for anything. I guess what they say is true, it hits ya when you least expect it. We dated then had my coronation...I mean we got married...and I became his queen...forever... CHECK OUT MY EFFIN CROWN! THATS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!




I picked up some pretty good ole new family members, and lots of new friends... Learned that I really do love Louisiana as much as I thought I did prior to meeting my Cajun husband. Now I am 100% sure that I was from LA in a former life. I am planning on moving there in this life, but that will take some time...





So we were rocking right along and BOOMYA! Here came the Cajun Princess! She was born just in the nick of time to make this decade. Arriving 5 weeks early after one hellasious pregnancy she is absolutely as perfect as her brother and sister. She is the last member of our little family.



Looking back on the last 10 years has made me realize all that God has given me. I am truly thankful for every day that I get to spend with these 4 totally amazing people. We are so grossly happy, I mean like puke, puke, puke happy. Don't get me wrong, we have our share of moments, but we all love each other the way that we are suppose to love each other. Our children get to have parents that love each other and do not fight in front of them. Perfect we are not, but perfect for each other...totally!!!

In the past decade I have lost both grandmothers. My maternal grandmother just passed in May of 2009. Very, very hard. Something that changed who I am and how I look at things. She is actually why I started this blog. I use to talk to her for hour after hour on the phone. She was with me though some very dark times in my life. Often, the posts that I have on here are things that she and I would talk about. I miss her so!

So now we are to present day. Ugh! I hate New Year resolutions. Hate them. It is like setting yourself up for failure and declaring it to the world. I have mulled a lot over in my little pea brain for the past week. I have decided several things...

1. I am going to take my diabetes more seriously. I was very strict while i was pg. I felt I had to be for my daughter that was inside of me. Now that she is out and what I am eating is not directly affecting her I am like WOOOO WHOOOO. Well, party time is over. I have 3 kids that depend on me and even if they are not inside my body does not mean that they need me. Have I known this...yep. I have to get serious. Fast.

2. Find my follow through. I am the master of "great ideas". I just have to find my follow through and stop sabotaging myself. Stop making excuses and setting myself up for failure. Stop letting other peoples opinions of me and who I am stop me from doing what makes me happy.

3. Learn to say NO. I have issues with that word and guilt. Totally going to work on that and being me and doing the things that IIIIIIII want to do.

4. Spend way more time with my children. I do spend more time then some, but they are growing up do friggin fast! I feel like if I do not soak them up now, they will be gone tomorrow.

5. Blog, blog, blog...and blog some more!

So anyway, there you have it. My New Year's post. I know that y'all have been waiting with baited breath. Since I am now back online with my PC, I am planing on having a bloggin hump party tomorrow. I will check yall all out and see what has been up since BEFORE Christmas!