Sunday, January 3, 2010
Will Power...Oh Will Power...Where the hell are you Will Power
I have been officially up for approximately 1 hour. In that hour I have already done a very bad thing. In my defence...I tried to be good! I got up and ate a bowl of cereal. Not the kind that have cartoon characters on the box either! Yeah me!
Then Deano went to the store to pick up a newspaper (Oh yeah, that is my other new thing for the new year that I neglected to mention because I am totally planning for failure...being way frugal. So naturally, I needed the coupons). While he was gone I decided to pick up a little. I came across a bag of candy. I am not going into full blown description about said candy. If I do, things will just get ugly. My wonderful mother in law gave me this candy for Christmas. If I had of been home the week between Christmas and New Year's that bitch would have been long gone! However, it was starting me in the face.
Do you know how convincing a bag of candy can be. It is like a horny gigolo trying to get into a virgins pants. It starts with one little peck and the next thing you know the virgin is doing things that she did not even know existed, and are prolly very illegal in several states. That is how this bag of candy seduced me. Now I know y'all are saying "Fuck this crazy fat bitch! She knows she had had several rodeos with bags of candy! How do you think her ass got that BIG! Hum! Bag of candy virgin my ass!".
You are very correct! I have had my hay day and screwed my bags of candy in the past. I am not gonna lie...they were all damn good, but I always felt bad about myself the next day...or the next time I looked into a full length mirror. If you read my 2010 post below you will see that I am totally on the reform and this effin bag of candy was waiting. Totally fucking up my goals. The path to hell is paved with good intentions...or toffee treasures as this case may be.
I started of so good! I held the bag of candy in my hand and said "You know I love you. I just can't do this anymore. You are not good for me." The bag of candy just stared back at me with the promises of creamy chocolate and crunchy toffee. Bitch. I opened the bag and said "Fine, one piece and the rest of you are going in the trash." I carefully selected the very best piece for my mouth euphoria. At this point in my story you would think that I unwrapped the piece ever so slowly and savored every yummy chew. Nah, not me. I am like a man with sex when it comes to eating. I just shoved that bitch into my pie hole and chewed it as fast as I could. Was it satisfying? Hell yeah! Did I want more? Hell Yeah! So what do I do?
Throw the bag in the trash! That's right! I threw that bitch in the trash! Yeah me! Umm not really. About 15 minutes later I dug that bitch outta the trash and ate 4 or 5 (8) more pieces. Y'all thought I did good didn't you? Ha! Apparently y'all don't know just how big of a fat ass I am. I am not above diggin in the trash for candy! Right now the remaining candy friends are pushed far down into the trash. I can hear them calling me though. I am ignoring them as I type this.
I need to find this person that I keep hearing people talk about. They say that he is really good when you have vices that you just can't seem to shake. I think his name is Will...Will Power. I have never met him in my whole life, but I hear he can whip my ass in shape and he is actually FREE! No fancy smachy pills that make you shit 100 times a day, or hype you up like a crack whore looking for a hit (although when I took Adapex I got A LOT of shit done!). Apparently, he also works on other things also, not just keeping me for gorging myself from trash can food. He will help me clean my house, and exercise...please Mr. Will Power, be my bestie forever!
Now where did I put his number?
Posted by April (Mama is on the Potty) at 1:06 PM