I have been cruising the mommy blog directories, so I felt like I should put up a disclaimer for the new folks.


Yep! I am all of the above, with a little bit of nice rolled in for good measure (although I don’t show that often). I started this blog just wanting to shoot the shit…yes I do use potty words, they make me feel grown up (kinda)…and after 2 + months I have decided that is what I want to keep on doing. I love give away moms and PR moms rock…that is just not what I started this site for. The only thing I might give away is a small piece of my brain (I can’t afford a big piece, I would have nada left). I will dance for comments and I love followers, not just for the sake of following. If you like who I am and what I do- Follow me Bitches. If not, that is cool.

I am a non baby wearing, put your ass in a crib, drink from a bottle and a spanking you deserve is a spaning you will get mama. I DO NOT care how you raise your kid. If you want to breast feed until Junior High…that’s cool (I am gonna talk about your ass, but that is cool). No seriously, everyone parents in different ways. I parent the way I was parented and the way that 99% of the people I know were parented. I am from the south, so we tend to not be as “green” (unless you are talking about collards, I am all over that) as other regions. That does not mean I don’t respect others ways of parenting. I just ask that you respect mine.

I guess I should say when I talk about my awesomeness I am also being silly. I don’t think I am truly a Queen, or totally awesome…I have a few flaws…..just a few! ;o)




Monday, January 11, 2010

Vacation Memory...Dumb Ass, Drag Queens and ACDC

I went over to Stir Fry and she had an awesome post today, so I figured I would copy and tell you about an interesting vacation that I have had.

Let's flip back the pages to the summer of 2002. Matt was 3. Ans was 18 months, and I was married to a dumb ass. Now when I say dumb ass, I mean DUMB ASS. I do not have the time, nor energy to explain why in the fuck I married such an idiot. I just did. I got 2 kids outta the deal. For that I am thankful.

My parents invited us to go with them to Daytona for a week. That was a great treat for us since I was a SAHM and DA did not make that much moola. Us getting to go on any kind of vacation was awesome (well as awesome as it can be married to a DA).

We did the beach and hit a dolphin experience dealy. We also went to the Meca of motor sports racing, Dayton International Speedway. I was totally stoked going there because I *was a huge NASCAR fan at the time.

One day my mother, who has a wicked sense of humor, came to me and pointed out a bar across the street from the condo. I was like big flappin deal. Oh no...this was a special bar.

Let me stop here and tell you that I love gay people. Love them. I guess it is their flamboyance, or flair. I don't know, but I would love to have a gay bestie. I have asked Dean where I might find a gay to hang with. He was no help. I came up with the idea to go to online dating sites and search men seeking men in my area. I am just not quite sure if that will work. I mean what would I say?
"Hi! I totally don't have the parts your are interested in, but I am looking for a BGFF. Are you interested?"
Yeah, I don't think that will work. My mom's bff was a gay. Unfortunately he passed. Damn him, he totally could have been my hook up. (This is all in jest people! I don't really damn him, but I am pissed he died).

Anyway, this bar was a gay bar. Who friggin cool is that? Well, wicked mother had a plan. She said I should take DA and not necessarily tell him anything other than it was a bar.
Holy shit bombs! What a fantastic idea!
I guess I should give you a little back ground on DA. You already know he is a DA. He is very judgmental and defiantly homophobic. He and I had never been to a bar together. I have never seen him drink. Yeah! Good times!
So I talk him into going. (Lord, as I write this story I am sure that I will be going to hell). We walk in and I about dropped my teeth! There were all these TVs all over the place that were playing videos of shirtles hard bodied men rubbing all over each other! It was fabulous! I could hardly contain my giggles as DA was getting checked out!!!! I have to stop here and tell you we did stick out like a sore thumb! We were defiantly the "straight" couple.
Other then the TV gyrations there was no actual dancing going on. Damn. (It had not dawned on DA that this was an alternative club). We order drinks, coke...how boring, and bellied up to the rail around the dance floor. No one was dancing, but we had great seats for the
DRAG SHOW!!!!!!!
Oh my! I about hyper ventilated when dude (do I call him a dude if he is way prettier then most women I know) came out in full drag! Hyper ventilated and shit in my pants! This guy was beautiful. Words can not describe the awe I was in. I had never seen a real live Queen before. It rocked!!!
In all my wonder I did not think to look at DA. A few minutes into the act he leans over and says "Is that a guy?"
OMFG! As if this could not get any better, it does!
I seriously thought I was going to piss in my pants. I just sat there and laughed. I did not even look at DA again for fear that I would piss in my pants.
So we sat through the first act deal and then it came time for an intermission. This older guy comes and bellies up on the other side of DA. He looked harmless. Like he was just as lost as DA was at this point. He starts talking to DA.

It was meaningless chit chat. I was not even paying much attention until dude asked if we came to places like this often. (Ears perked up). DA told him no, actually we have never been to a bar. Ok. Please let this man know that we are straight and are not looking for a good time.
Dude keeps talking. Then he jokes that we stick out as the token "straight" couple. Oh shit. Little bit more talking. Dude asks where we are staying.
Let me stop here and say DA has diarrhea of the mouth. He also would talk to a lamp post. He told our whole life story to this guy. I was sitting there about to die!

Then the guy said "I like AC/DC, do you?"

DA said "Yeah, their great!"

Fuck me!!! No wait! Not FUCK ME! Shit!

I stood up and said "No the hell you don't! Let's go!".

DA just sat there. For a split second I thought about leaving his ass there. "We have got to go! I am worried about the baby."

He scoffed at me. I was pissing him off. He and his new friend were starting to talk about music. That was right up his alley.

"No, we really have to leave". I started to back away. He finally agreed and as soon as we got outside he started bitching.

"You Dumb Ass! He was not asking about the group ACDC! He was asking about you sexual preferences!".
Then it took me 20 minutes to explain the AC/DC electric current thing and how that was a metaphor for being bisexual. I told yall he was a dumb ass.

I am just glad to say that he is someone elses problem now! LOL


  1. I didn't know about the AC/DC thing as it relates to sexual stuff... ha!

    I am obviously quite naive!

    It sounds like a good time though!

    Very amusing!

  2. OMFG!!!! Wow he really is a DA! Thank the Lord you are out from relationship. Bleh! lol. But holy crap I would have died laughing fi I did something like that to Dan. He might just offt me before I did from laughing so hard. lol. I have always wanted a Gay bestie also. but i just have no clue how to find one. My friend found one in her massage therapy class....not fair. If I happen to find one I will hit him up on how you could find one. =) Love you A!!!

  3. Too funny! This had me laughing the whole time. And I've always wanted a gay best friend too, ever since I saw my first episode of Will and Grace.

  4. OMG. I think I crapped myself and peed my pants simultaneously while reading this post. Could it get any better than this? Like seriously??????

  5. Bwahahaha!!!! I'm laughing because I can sympathize with DA. Did you read my post about the time I accidentally dated a lesbian??

  6. Melissa- I am ashamed that I know that term. Thankful, due to the situation that I got myself in, but still ashamed.

    Naomi- I wish I could make this shit up. The funny (not so funny) part is that I am a magnet for crap like this. I can go to the grocery store (and tell myself...you will not get into any shit April. Get in and get out.) and it just happens. It does not help that I have a freak magnet that has a very strong pull.

    Kys- I had not, but I just did...good times! Don't sympathize with him, he is mean. lol

    If anyone knows were I can get a gay friend I am ALL EARS! Mom was lucky. She got hers in HS before he came out of the closet. He was awesome.

  7. OMG I JUST CRIED DYING LAUGHIN THIS WAS HILARIOUSSSSSSSS YOU MADE MY NIGHT i must admit i read this out loud with my aunt I was telling her how i love your blog and how funny you are but little did I know today would take the cake. by far my favorite post since ive been following

  8. LMAO!!!!!!!!!Thanks for making me smile....