I am a little way behind on this post. I have much better things to post about, but this is a quickie. We are on the road again tomorrow. I click my heels 3 times and told Dean if we did not go home soon bad things would happen to him while he was sleeping. Y'all have no idea how excited I am at the thought of being in my house, with my bed...and my big kids home. Yeah, I am so over the fucking holidays. I want some kinda normal back.
Anyway, back to pap smears. When I saw the CBS care public service announcement I about dropped my teeth. I am not saying that pap smears are not wonderful. I just totally jump for fucking joy when it is time for mine! There is nothing better then having cold, metal salad spoons inserted into your vagina and cranked apart. I love counting the ceiling tiles while my doctors face is inches from my womanhood.
What do yall think about during times like this? The Revolutionary War? Cute shoes at Koles? Try to remember if you took out something for dinner? Well if you are like me you are wondering how your doctor sizes yours up. I mean not in a sexual way, but damn...the mother fucker looks at vaginas all day. He must have some kinda 1-10 rating scale. I wonder if he writes that shit in code somewhere on your chart so that he can review how it ages every year?
Them there is the KY and Q tip nurse. Bless their hearts! They go to school for like a bazillion years to learn to squirt ky on a speculam and hand dude some Q-tips. Can you imagine the nightmares that woman has?!
I also wonder if you run into these people at the mall got they roll through their mental rolladex to get your last score? "Ahhh yes, hey April (total 8 *I think highly of my vagina).
I also feel sorry for GYNs. I mean there can not possibly be a poker night for these dudes. Can you imagine a bunch of guys sitting around talking and the topic turns to work?
"Well George, have ya seen any good twats recently?"
Can you say major HIPA violations.
Other dudes prolly think that they are gay. I mean, the average man thinks about sex every 4 minutes. Most dude would be humping fools if the got to see woman parts every 15 minutes.
Anyway, get a pap smear. Tell your hubby that the gift you want is for him to come along. I love making Dean squirm! It also gets you a few sympathy points when they remember back on the even. Next stop...smooshin our boobs between plastic plates! I can't wait to see Dean's face on that visit! :)
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Honestly I really can't remember what i'm thinking about while my doc is face deep in my vajayjay. Dan refuses to go to ANY dr. appts with me. Hell the only one he went to while I was preg was to find out what we were having. Dick! But as far as I know, the poor nurse that hands over the lubed up sticks has to be in the room kinda as a winess type deal. Like if anything fishy goes on she can rat the doc out. who knows if thats true tho.
ReplyDeleteOMG!!!!! You are sooooooo funny. Did you say the Revolutionary War? Killing me. Seriously. It is this very reason that I always try and choose a woman doctor cuz I feel less bizarre as she hangs out next to my hoochie coochie and shines a flashlight on it. Not that having woman near my vajayjay is any more normal. Now I totally sound like a lesbian. Oh well. It's an awkward situation any way you slice it.
ReplyDeleteANYWAY, point being...Preach it, sister. Tell it like it is. I'm with you all the way.
PS Thanks for owning your Cool Whip today on my site. You are awesome. That post is the crux of my book, really. Sure, organic living is great and all. But people take things so overboard, you know? Let's be real and do what works. And be proud of ourselves regardless.
ReplyDeleteHope you have a safe trip home from your trip!!! Happy happy happy New Year!!