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I have been cruising the mommy blog directories, so I felt like I should put up a disclaimer for the new folks.

I AM CRAZY! I AM SNARKY! I AM CRASS! I AM A SMART ASS!

Yep! I am all of the above, with a little bit of nice rolled in for good measure (although I don’t show that often). I started this blog just wanting to shoot the shit…yes I do use potty words, they make me feel grown up (kinda)…and after 2 + months I have decided that is what I want to keep on doing. I love give away moms and PR moms rock…that is just not what I started this site for. The only thing I might give away is a small piece of my brain (I can’t afford a big piece, I would have nada left). I will dance for comments and I love followers, not just for the sake of following. If you like who I am and what I do- Follow me Bitches. If not, that is cool.

I am a non baby wearing, put your ass in a crib, drink from a bottle and a spanking you deserve is a spaning you will get mama. I DO NOT care how you raise your kid. If you want to breast feed until Junior High…that’s cool (I am gonna talk about your ass, but that is cool). No seriously, everyone parents in different ways. I parent the way I was parented and the way that 99% of the people I know were parented. I am from the south, so we tend to not be as “green” (unless you are talking about collards, I am all over that) as other regions. That does not mean I don’t respect others ways of parenting. I just ask that you respect mine.

I guess I should say when I talk about my awesomeness I am also being silly. I don’t think I am truly a Queen, or totally awesome…I have a few flaws…..just a few! ;o)






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WARNING! WARNING!

WARNING! WARNING!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Stupid Santa???

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OMGosh I have so friggin much to tell y'all! It is already 10:45 here and I have to go to bed early because Patty Cake will be up early. Anyway, here is one little funny~ well not so funny~ from Family Weekend (The Turkey Edition)

On Friday I got up and hit the stores. I got all of my shopping done...DONE. Now the trick for me is to stay out of the stores. It should be easy since I think stores are stupid and I am convinced that most people have poo for brains. I got home and I was jacked up and ready to go when we got back. So what better to do on Black Friday??? Go see Santa! Naturally! I think I need to check my ingredients in my coffee to make sure there is not something in there counter acting my crazy pills.

I bust through the door all hyper and announce to Dean and the kids that we are in fact going to see Santa, today! I am not so sure that Dean was hot on the idea. I could tell by his sluggish reaction. He had just laid Patty Cake down so I am thinking I came home about and hour and 1/2 too early and messed up nappy time for him...darn. He let me know this by sitting like a bump on a log in his recliner (the biggest thorn in my side that will find its way to the trash truck soon). He was watching some James Bond movie. WTH! That is not acceptable! So after he heemed and hawed he finally hoisted his butt out of the chair (roots and all).

Ansley was already dressed because she had been out shopping with me. That left Laney-Claire and Matt. Laney was going to be last minute because I did not want her to mess up her fabo Santa outfit. I told Matt to get ready, and that is when it happened...he told me that he did not want to go because Santa was STUPID! (mouth drop) I must tell you I was highly offended and pissed off. Here I was all jacked and ready to go and he busted my bubble! The nerve! He does know the sceret, but still...that is no excuse to ruin your mothers fun! He was going to see Santa and enjoy it, damn it!

We had our schedual planed out. We were going to the mall, hit JC Penny for Matt a belt and then go see Santa. After that we planned on going to Lowes and Hobby Lobby to pick up a couple of things. Ok! Break-----not to fast! "Mama, I'm hungry"...oh great Santa hater is hungry. "Ok son, we will get something after we see Santa." You would have thought I had said you are not going to eat until Christmas morning! I don't know about anyone elses kids, but my children have a whine decible that can shatter glass. We had just friggin ate! I think that is the only thing he knew to say to totally annoy me since I was making him go see stupid Santa. (OMG my head is starting to hurt). My bump was not much better at this point. The only thing he was good for is yelling at Santa hater. (My head is hurting worse).

We get to the mall and we go in Pennys. Naturally, my daughter has to pee. I think it is her goal in life to check out every single bathroom in the United States before she graduates from high school. Bump takes Santa hater and Miss Peesalot to the bathroom and I hunt a belt. OMG! You know what I HATE! When a sales associate asks if you are finding everything ok and then you actually ask them for help and THEY DONT KNOW WHERE THE HELL ANYTHING IS!!!!!!!!!!!! I follow this fruit cake around the friggin store and they dont even sell little boy belts!!!! WTH! How can you sell pants and not belts?

I called Bump and told him to meet me at the jewlery counter, then I was led all over the store by my osohelpful friend...I ended up at the bathrooms. I did not see my tribe, so I called Bump again..."Where are you?" ......."I'm at the JEWLERY COUNTER". Ugh! I look over and see him leaning up against a rack and I can tell frick and frack are fighting. Great, just great.

Anyway, we go to see Santa. NO LINE. Well I lie. There was one woman with her 2 little girls. She was talking to her mom about what package she wanted to buy. She saw us coming and she acted like a wild wolf. She did not want us to get ahead of them. Calm down lady! There areonly 2 of us here, I am not going to line jump even though I have my shit together and know what the heck I want. You just converse with Granny and we will be over here waiting.

I have to admit, by this point I was a little frazzled. My euforic buzz had wore off. Dealing with Santa hater screaming he was hungry and the Bump(all married ladies know about bump mode), well just being a bump was driving me crazy. O I forgot to mention that Laney-Claire had the cutest hat (see pic). Well it was too big so every few minutes she would start kicking like crazy and I would look down and she would have her whole face covered. I could have taken the damn thing off, but that would have been way too easy.

So we get to Santa. See above picture...gotta love my Santa hater.

3 comments:

  1. Love the story!!! Great blog! Following you from MBC!

    Amy at http://www.harvestfortomorrow.blogspot.com

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  2. I really enjoyed your website! Your blog is wonderful reading. Have you heard of Danny the Dragon? One of my favorites, and worth a visit as it is the nominee for Best Children’s Picture Book of 2009! http://DannyTheDragon.com

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  3. I'm going to be so sad when Christopher doesn't want to visit with santa anymore. He still somewhat believes.... hopefully we will get this last christmas. He has recently come home mentioning that kids in school say that santa is fake.... so it's about time he knows the secret.

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