Bibles, Elevators and Drunks

Sundays are made for family. I love Sundays. Today I have spent time reflecting on some of the funny things that have happened to us as a family. I have decided to share this with all of you. I have to tell you that it was very hard to pick a story, because it seems like the 5 of us can find some kinda trouble and not be looking.

In April we decided to take a short vaca to Myrtle Beach. I had been on bed rest for the better part of 9 months, and the kids and Dean had been so great through the whole pregnancy. I thought we could all use a weekend getaway.

I should preface this story with a little back ground on my son. He was born to be a preacher. He started having church and preaching to Ansley naked Barbies when he was about 4. There have been several times that I have went in his room and he and Ansley would be playing church and he had her on the floor trying to “heal” her. He frequently carries a bible with us on outings.

Well on this particular trip I decided that 9 months is just too damn long to go without a drinky poo. So we went to the Hard Rock Café. While there I enjoyed an adult beverage and that opened a whole conversation about alcohol, and the proper times and the proper ways it is to be used. We have an open relationship with the kids. As long as they ask a question respectfully, they may ask anything they want. We gage answers to the level that they are on, but we don’t lie. Dean and I believe that it is ok to take a drink every so often, just not become a drunk. Anyway, this was the main topic of conversation at the dinner table.

It was a little late when we got back to our hotel so the parking lots were full and our only option was the parking garage. Well, this is an awful option to Matt. One, he is scared to death of elevators and number two he is scared to death of parking garages. So a parking garage elevator just spins him right out of orbit. I could feel his anxiety level creeping up with each level we climbed. Naturally, we could only find a spot on the top level. As we were getting out of the car I was steadily reassuring him that nothing was going to happen, we were going to be fine. He jumped out and said “Well, I am taking my bible”. Okedokey cowboy, whatever makes you happy and will make you stop whining.

As we approached the elevator he got closer and closer to me. I was steadily telling him that it would be ok. Well as I stepped on I noticed a teenage girl behind me and I held the elevator. Then she held it for the rest of her family. Wow. My tribe of 5 (with a baby stroller) and the 3 in the other family made for a tight squeeze in the tiny elevator. I strategically place Matt in the back corner next to me. As the elevator choked and groaned I could here him whimper. Before I even thought what I was saying I said “Read your bible son. Jesus will take care of us.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth I caught Dean trying to conceal a chuckle. When we got off the elevator I thought, damn what bible thumping freaks must we have looked like.

While still reeling over the events in that elevator we moved on into the hotel and to the next elevator fiasco, and a fiasco it was! As we approached the hotel elevator I notice a highly intoxicated woman waiting on the elevator and talking to a friend. Having just had a good learning discussion a dinner, I decided that this would also continue the learning experience (not to drink in excess). I pointed her out to the kids and while normally I would have waited for the next elevator, I decide that we could share so they could truly see how stupid people act when they are drunk…boy did I get more then I bargained for. As we were stepping on the elevator I started to understand the dynamic between the two women. The sober lady was sending the drunk (very drunk) lady to her room…alone. Mind you this woman was total toast. So nice person that I am (???) offered to make sure she got to her room. Sober lady was glad to push drunk off onto me! She tells me what room and the doors close and we are on an adventure in drunk land!

This particular hotel has closed circuit TVs in the elevators. Well as soon a drunky poo got on she started rambling about how her daughter was going to be on that TV. Ok, yeah…so we all watched (while Matt clutched his bible to his chest). When we arrived to the floor her daughter still had not came across the TV. So we wait, and wait, and wait…Dean started eyeing me and I knew he was thinking the same thing I was…this lady is nuts! Thank God about that time a picture of her daughter flashed on the screen. It was her birthday, so drunky poo had bought an ad. Whew! I was seriously mentally trying to figure out how to get this kooky lush off the elevator if that damn picture had not came up.

So after we saw the picture she told me that we HAD to meet her daughter and wish her a happy 18th birthday. Oh boy! This lady can not even stand the freak up! So we get off the elevator and start to walk to her room. I was like ok this will be ok. We will get to her room and I the daughter will come to the door- happy birthday, here is your drunk mama…have a nice life. Ummm no, didn’t quite go like that. First thing is we are walking down the hall and she starts talking about how nice I am to walk with her to her room. Well stupid ass me says something to the effect of “well I understand. I have been drunk before”. Oh hell! You would have thought I doused her with kerosene and lit a match. “I’m not FUCKING drunk”….oh shit. “Oh, no no no! I didn’t mean YOU were drunk. I am just saying I have been drunk before.” So that calmed her down since I understood she was not drunk.
At this point Matt is walking behind us holding the bible OUT! Like he was warding off evil sprits. I looked over my shoulder and I about died! Naturally, Ansley is marching right along beside me. I ain’t going nowhere without her.

So we get to her room and I am thinking “Thank God this is almost over”. Then I here her say “You have to tell my daughter happy birthday”. Shit. So she puts the key card in the slot and just stands there looking at it. “It’s broke” , she proclaims! Oh hell! I take the card from her and open the door to a very dark room. Yes! Daughter is out partying so I don’t have to wish her a happy birthday and I can get the hell out of here. “Oh it looks like your daughter is out…oh well tell her we said happy birthday”. HA! “Oh she is here, she is JUST ASLEEP”! Oh no, no, no! I don’t wanta go in there! Shit. Shit. Shit.

I look back and Matt is ½ way back to the elevator and Dean had the baby in the stroller a good 10 feet back. So what do I do? Well naturally I walked my ass in her room, with Ansley in tow. How in the hell do I get myself in these situations? So we go in the room and only the TV was on. Mama stood at the end of the bed shaking daughters (who BTW is spooning with her boyfriend!) feet. “Brittney! Brittney! Happy birthday baby girl!!! They came to tell you happy birthday!” Shit. “Oh yes Brittney, happy birthday! We saw you in the elevator!”…how fucking lame is that shit! “So anyway, happy birthday…get ya some sleep!” Baby girl must expect this shit from her boozing mommy. She was like “Ok, thanks! Thanks for getting my mom to her room!!!!!!!!!”


Time for the quick getaway, right…nope. So drunk mommy follows us to the door and she loves us now, loves us to death. She wants us to come back tomorrow and we will have great fun. She starts hugging all over me and then grabs Ansley. I died when she told Ansley “I love you”, and Ansley just looked at her like she was nuts and said “I, er…ummm…love you too???” Matt was gone. He and his bible had checked out. They both were waiting at the elevator. He was so stinking mad at me! “Mama! You went in her ROOM! What if she got you? Did you hear her say she wasn’t bleeping drunk? I thought she was gonna hit you.” He just went on and on all night. I will admit, it was a drunk lesson that went a wee bit too far. However, the next morning at breakfast was priceless!

We were at the hotel restaurant enjoying a fabo breakfast. Well about time to leave, they spotted her! Oh shit! They wanted me to go over and talk with her. I tried to explain that the woman did not even know who I was and would not remember the night before. My daughter in true smart ass fashion said “Well mama, she said she loved us.”

So note to self…don’t try to teach my children lessons about drunk people with live subjects. You never know what you might get…or where you might end up.