When I was 15 years old I received the most awesome Christmas present. A cordless phone. I will never forget opening that box and getting so excited that I wanted to piss all over myself like a little puppy. It was an ATT white cordless phone with a retractable metal antenna. It represented freedom. No longer did I have to try to stretch the phone cord across the house while trying to clean before my mom got home from work. I could walk and talk. Wash dishes and talk. Chase after my bad ass little brother and talk. I did not have to stop my teenager jibber jabber for anything…even going to the bathroom.
Going to the potty while on the phone, it is an art. To know how to turn on fans or run water at just the right time so the person on the other end will never know that you have included them in your most private moment. When you are a kid it is no big deal. Most of the time my friends and I would laugh about “your going to the bathroom with me”. The problem comes in when you get a little older and take non friends with you to the pot.
This is just what happened to me several time. I was on the phone with the cable company and I went into labor (if you have not read my terms for going potty click here). My contractions were getting closer and closer and I knew that deliver was emanate. However, I was on hold. I had been on hold for quite some time and I did not want to loose my place in line. So I took the cable company with me to the potty. I did not think that it would be a huge deal. I figured that my shit baby would be delivered before they actually answered the phone.
I was wrong.
This particular baby was a difficult delivery. It demanded a lot of concentration and some of the breathing techniques that I learned in my real child birth classes (That has really came in handy during shit baby births. I did not need it for my actual childbirths since I had c-sections with all 3. I still think it was $150 well spent) .
Cable Person: Thank you for calling G Force cable. Can I help you?
Me: breath-grunt-breath (in deep concentration and did not even hear cable person)
Cable Person: Hello? Can I help you?
Me: (snapped into realization that someone is actually on the line talking to me, however I am in a very critical part of delivery and I just cant get it all together) grunt-umm yeah, my cable is out-breath
Cable Person: What is your phone number?
Me: 593 grunt 2526 breath
Cable Person: Yes, April Celestin?
Me: Yeah, that is me (grunt)
Cable Person: 123 Oak Ln.
Me: (turning on the fan b/c I know that delivery is soon) Yes- big grunt
Cable Person: Yes, I show an outage in your area. We are…
WHAM! I had a 10 pound shit baby and it may not have cried, but everyone knew it had arrived.
Cable Person: Hello? Ma’am
Me: I am here…so, ugh, there is an outage?
Cable Person: yes, we are not sure how long it will take to get your service back up.
Me: Well it is going to be before tonight? Big Brother is on and I do not want to miss it. (yes, I am one of those people)
Cable Person: We have people out working on it right…
**FLUSH** (Y’all didn’t expect for me to sit on the pot all day did ya?)
Me: Umm, ok
Cable Person: Can I help you with anything else today? (like wiping your ass you freak that shits while on the phone doing business)
Me: No, that’s all
Cable Person: Thank you for selecting G-Force (and taking a dump while we were on the phone your gross ass). Have a nice day (since you have ruined mine).
I would love to tell you that this was made up, but it was not. I would like to tell you that this is the one and only time that I have ever been caught in such a situation, but it is not. I will tell you that I have taught my children better phone etiquette.
About 2 months ago my son was in the garage listening to his stereo. He came barreling into the house and took off to the bathroom. You must understand that everyone in my family holds it until the very last possible minute. He had the stereo blaring The Jackson 5’s Rockin Robin. When he came back past me I asked him why he had the stereo blaring if he was not out there. Simple. He was on the phone and he needed to go to the bathroom so he asked his friend what he wanted to listen to while he was gone and basically played his friend some “hold while I poop music“.
Such a considerate child!