I have been cruising the mommy blog directories, so I felt like I should put up a disclaimer for the new folks.


Yep! I am all of the above, with a little bit of nice rolled in for good measure (although I don’t show that often). I started this blog just wanting to shoot the shit…yes I do use potty words, they make me feel grown up (kinda)…and after 2 + months I have decided that is what I want to keep on doing. I love give away moms and PR moms rock…that is just not what I started this site for. The only thing I might give away is a small piece of my brain (I can’t afford a big piece, I would have nada left). I will dance for comments and I love followers, not just for the sake of following. If you like who I am and what I do- Follow me Bitches. If not, that is cool.

I am a non baby wearing, put your ass in a crib, drink from a bottle and a spanking you deserve is a spaning you will get mama. I DO NOT care how you raise your kid. If you want to breast feed until Junior High…that’s cool (I am gonna talk about your ass, but that is cool). No seriously, everyone parents in different ways. I parent the way I was parented and the way that 99% of the people I know were parented. I am from the south, so we tend to not be as “green” (unless you are talking about collards, I am all over that) as other regions. That does not mean I don’t respect others ways of parenting. I just ask that you respect mine.

I guess I should say when I talk about my awesomeness I am also being silly. I don’t think I am truly a Queen, or totally awesome…I have a few flaws…..just a few! ;o)




Friday, February 19, 2010

I love my son! He is a hoot!

I am so freaking full I am about to pop…seriously…

Dean and I went out for our anniversary dinner tonight and it was gooood. I am currently a vegetarian due to my Lenten promise, so I ate eggplant parmesan. I must say, I did not miss meat a bit! LOL I have been meatless for 3 days and I am hangin tough. It is not near as hard as I thought it would be (but I like veggies).

No post from me yesterday because all hell broke loose in my house. Laney has her very first ear infection, and is not dealing with things well. She cried all day long…All. Day. Long. I should have went to the high school and pick up a few gals that thinks that having a baby is “so cool” and let them take care of her. Having a baby is cool…but not at 15...17...hell it is hard at 33.

Not only did I have Miss Fussy Pants, I had to take Matt to the doctor. Yeah me! My mom, God bless her, came and watched Laney so I only had to deal with Matt.

If you have read my blog for awhile, or know me in RL (or have been an online friend for awhile) you know that Matty has issues. When he was 6 his 1st grade teacher told me that he exhibited signs of ADD. Ugh! Not my little perfect child…

I was wrong. He is very well behaved and is on the A/B honor roll at school, but it is a daily struggle for him, and us. We have battled this monster for years. We have used different memory techniques, and tried everything under the sun to not have to take the step towards meds.

Matt came to me some time last year and told me that he wanted to go to the doctor. He is sick of having to battle this alone. I don’t blame him. I am still not sure how I feel about meds and we are still in the evaluation process. Meds might not be our first line of defense, but we are going to see what is out there.

Anyone that knows Matt in real life with tell you he is funny! I mean FUN-AY! He is shy at school, but anywhere else he is a ham. He once stood in a booth at Outback and shook his money maker to the point that he had the ENTIRE restaurant looking. The waitress said that she had never seen anything like it! I have no idea where he gets this junk from. While I spew crap on the internet, and I have been known to cut up with friends…I don’t shake it in public…well, not as much as he does.

He and I were both nervous about this appointment. Kinda for the same reasons. We did not know what the heck to expect. He drove me crazy on the way to the appointment telling me how things were going to go. Yeah, yeah son…you’re the boss…whatever you say.

We get to the doctors office and walk up to the counter. A not so nice lady looked at me.

Me: Yes, my son has an appointment. He is on the adolescent side, is this where we sign in? (they have 2 sides pediatrics and adolescent)

Her: Yes, sign there (pointing at clipboard)

Me: (pick up pen and start signing in)

Her: Name?

Me: John Sanders


Me- 1/17/99

Her- Address?

Me- 123 my street (ok mean looking lady, I told the people that I made the appointment with all this info. WTH. Not to mention you are asking me all this info in front of a million bazillion people in the waiting room. Have you heard of lower your voice…yo. Not to mention, I am signing in. I can not write and talk at the same time).

Her- Your name?

Me- ugh..ummm…ugh…April (I think)
Her- Maiden Name?

Me-Cook (still trying to answer all the questions on the sign in sheet)

Her- Phone number

Me- ugh…my last name is not the same as his…I am not April Sanders

Her- OK, well what is your maiden name? Cook, right?

Me- Yes, but that is not my name! I don’t go by April Cook.

Her- That is ok.

Me- What? You don’t even want to know my last name?

Her- no, I don’t need that

Me- OK 555-5555 (YELLING)…oh wait…did you ask me for my number?

Matt- Mama!

Me- What?

Matt- You are bringing me to the doctor, I think you need the doctor!

Me- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go sit down you little smart ass.

So we sit and wait for awhile. Then we go to a room that is (I am not shittin you) is the size of a broom closet. Joy.

So here is me (who is so confused that I don’t even know my own damn name) and dufus (who is so nervous he can not sit still). He jump up on the table and is actin a fool. A nurse come in and he looks like he is posing for play girl. When she walked out I said “Matt, you are crazy”…he said “Y’all made me this way. It runs in the family. Heck, you don’t even know your own name!”



Smart ass.

Next med student came in and asked a trillion questions. A fucking trillion. It seemed like we were in that closet forever. Anyway, she examined him and all was good. Then she told him to take off his clothes and put on this gown. HA!

I really wish y’all could have seen the look on his face. He was like “nah, I am good.”

Med student- put this on and the doctor will be with you in a few minutes.

Exit med student


Me: Because she said so.


Me: I have no idea, but do what they say.

Matt- MAMA! ARE THEY GONNA LOOK “DOWN THERE” (pointing to his crotch)

Me- Son, I don’t know. Just do what they say.

Matt- I don’t want anyone looking at my balls.

Me-(ROLLING LAUGHING) Go put the damn gown on!

So he makes a huge production about going behind a curtain and getting undressed, all the while bitchin about them lookin at his balls. I am laughing so hard at this point I am crying.


He goes and hops back on the table just as the doc and the med student come in. We talked for a little while then she did his physical exam. Ear, throat, listen to his heart beat…all that jazz. She told him to lay down so she could listen to his stomach. He shot a glance at me, but complied. She listened for a minute or so then grabbed his underwear waistband and said let me take a peek.

OMG! It took all I could do not to laugh. He looked at me like it was all my fault. Like I slid the doc a $20 so she would look at his dingy! He was pissed!

It was like a 2 second peek. I thought to myself, what in the hell could she have really have seen medically during that peek? Hell, it was kinda like she was just verifying it was there!


Exam over. They leave. But not before she orders some blood work. Nice. So I let them look at the dingy and I am going to let them stick him with needles. I am so gonna get it when we leave here!

He gets dressed, again bitching at me like I personally wronged him in some way. I guess I should have said “NO! DON’T LOOK AT HIS PENIS!” They already think I am a freak that does not know my own name.

The lab tech came in and he got very serious with her (I guess he decided that he was no leaving his medical care up to me any more since I allowed someone to look at this weenie). He looked her dead in the eyes and said:

Matt- You care going to take my blood?
LT- Yes, is that ok?
Matt- Are you a professional?
LT- (kinda taken aback) What do you mean?
Matt- How long have you been doing this?
LT- 10 years in November
Matt- You have been working here 10 years?
LT- yes
Matt- and you have been taking peoples blood the whole time? Not none of that behind the desk stuff?
LT- No, drawing blood for 10 years
Matt- Ok, you can do it.

And they say that people don’t ask enough questions when they go to the doctor! LOL


On the way home we talked about it and he got ok. He understands that they have to check things out in the nether regions. Freaked him out a little, but he got over it. As we pulled in the driveway he says “I am gonna tell grandma they looked at me balls (yes, he said me balls).


Anyway, we are doing some evaluations and we have to go back in the next few weeks. Laney is much better (thanks to magic bubble gum meds). And I am going to peel these jeans off my ass (note to self, next time I go out to eat wear elastic).


  1. Omigosh he's hilarious! The things kids say I guess, huh? FYI.. i've been vegetarian for over two years!

  2. As we pulled in the driveway he says “I am gonna tell grandma they looked at me balls."

    I'm still rolling on this one. Your son is a hoot! Like for reals. I would be rolling all day long if he was mine. You have such an awesome family!!! Hope LC is all better and hope your son gets over the trauma of the med staff eyeing his nether regions.

    Huggles to all of you.

  3. That is just too funny! I'm sure life is never dull at your house! I love your blog and can't wait to read more.

  4. LMAO .. your son is awesome.
    Hope LC is all better !!

  5. He is definitely a funny boy!!! "me balls." LOVE IT! I hope things work out well for y'all and you are able to work evreything out. good luck.

  6. So I just found your blog and I am laughing so hard I am crying!!! Too Funny!!! I knew I was going to love your blog the moment I read your disclaimer!!! Can't wait for your next post!

  7. Too funny!
    p.s. I did get two messages and published them.Not sure what bloggers deal is.

  8. That was hilarious... I love the funny things kids say - classic :0)

  9. first off happy aniv! second HAHAHAHA ur son is too funny but iguess this is what i have to look forward to know when the dr is gonna go look at his balls lol thanks for the laughs as always i truly enjoy coming here

  10. I am literally LOL!!!
    I wnt to han out with your kid can you set up a playdate???

  11. OMG that just cracked me up so much I had to read it to my husband...