Good ole Birds and the Bees....

When people learn that my older children know all about sex they often seem mortified. Trust me, I was also. I knew that I would have to have the “birds and the bees” (Does anyone’s parents actually ever tell them about birds and bees? That is kinda a lame metaphor. I mean they don’t do it in any way shape or form like we do it. Why is it called that?) but I did not figure it would be at the local Mexican restaurant.




Yes, the local Mexican place is where my kids learned what procreation is all about. I guess I should give you a little back story.



One sunny afternoon my whole family and I were on the way to have dinner at our local Mexican place. As we were tooting along my ears quipped up to a conversation my children were having in the back seat. Matthew was in 3rd grade (9 years old) and Ansley was in the 1st (7 years old).



Matt: I know what sex is.

Ansley: So do I.

Matt: You do not! What is it then?

Ansley: You don’t know. You just want me to tell you. You tell me and I will tell you if you are right…smart little shit

Matt: It is when a man PEE PEES is a woman’s MOUTH



Ladies and Gentleman I near about died right there riding in that truck. How could such vile things come out of my children’s mouth? Just the day before they were playing Blue’s Clues and Dora was taching them spanish. How could this happen?



I know. It is that damn school. Listen up folks of little kiddies. School teaches much more then Reading, Writing and Arithmetic. Your kids will learn about all the things that you have been trying to not teach them. How, I have no idea. I mean, don’t all parents shield their kids and not talk about such things as the S E X word? Apparently not. Listen to your kids, talk to your kids! You do not know what kinda shit these little asshole kids are teaching your young!



So I sat there contemplating how exactly I wanted to handle this situation. I had several options. I could ignore it. I could confront them and tell them they are not suppose to talk about stuff like that. I could confront them and give them a butterflies and rainbows explanation about sex and how it is only for adults and all that shit. Or. I could tell them the truth. Hmm, the truth. I wonder how that would work out for me. Were they old enough? I mean, they apparently know that it is some type of relation between a man and a woman. They were not that far off base. Thinking…Thinking…Thinking…



We arrive at the restaurant and I still had all of the recent events weighing heavily on my mind. We were seated in a booth and our orders per promptly taken. After all the brew ha ha of getting chip, salsa and drinks I began…



***I want you all to know that Dean was unaware of the conversation in the truck, so he had no idea what was about to transpire.***



Me: I heard y’all talking in the truck. What was it you were saying about sex?



Matt and Ansley- deer in headlights look, they knew they were busted. Then they started laughing.



Me: Well? I heard what you said.



Dean: What were y’all talking about? (totally lost)



Me: What do you think sex is exactly?



giggles



Matt: When a man pee pees in a woman’s mouth



Dean: SHOCKED LOOK



Me: That is what I thought I heard. Where did you learn this?



Matt: Some people were talking about it at school.



Me: ahhh I see. Do you think that is something nice to talk about at school?



Matt: No ma’am.



Me: Well, that is not what sex is, and if you have questions about anything you need to come to me and I will clear things up for you. Sometimes people talk at school and they get things mixed up because they really don’t know, or understand. Sex is an adult thing. Kids, especially kids your age should not be concerned with sex.



Matt: yes ma’am



Me: Do you want to know about sex? If I tell you we are not going to act silly. If you have real questions and you ask respectfully we will answer them.



Dean: TOTAL SHOCK



Here is where I went into the mechanics of doing the deed. I also covered that this is something that married people do and it is not something for children to do or even talk about. I also told them that I did not want them to go to school and tell anyone about sex. Everyone’s parents tells them when they think their child is ready and it is not right for them to go to school talking about such things.


We covered pretty much everything that they needed to know.  Answered their questions. It actually went very well.The funniest thing that was said was when we were all done I asked if they had anymore questions. Matt said no, but he wanted to say something.



Matt: THAT IS NASTY AND I AM NEVER DOING THAT!!!!



Oh, how he will change his mind!! LOL


On a funny note--------We get home out of kids ear shot and Dean say WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!! LOL


******So I had this qued for Tuesday and I did my post it notes, then Wednesday I did my Vagina Montologues so this got bumped to Thursday. Since I wrote this I have seen several news stories about Planned Parent International has came out with a new deal that they want manditory sex ed for all 10 year olds. Not the how it all works kinda education. More like the "you should do this, it feels so good".  I wanted to clear up that I do not support this. I think that sex ed should be taught at home, by a child's parents that control how, what, and when. While I did educated my children at an early age, I do not promote self exploration (do ya really have to? I mean, I didn't need any nuddging). I don't want some wacky jacky person telling my 10 year old to rub one out. I am just sayin...thankyouverymuch