WELCOME! COME IN AND SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!



I have been cruising the mommy blog directories, so I felt like I should put up a disclaimer for the new folks.

I AM CRAZY! I AM SNARKY! I AM CRASS! I AM A SMART ASS!

Yep! I am all of the above, with a little bit of nice rolled in for good measure (although I don’t show that often). I started this blog just wanting to shoot the shit…yes I do use potty words, they make me feel grown up (kinda)…and after 2 + months I have decided that is what I want to keep on doing. I love give away moms and PR moms rock…that is just not what I started this site for. The only thing I might give away is a small piece of my brain (I can’t afford a big piece, I would have nada left). I will dance for comments and I love followers, not just for the sake of following. If you like who I am and what I do- Follow me Bitches. If not, that is cool.

I am a non baby wearing, put your ass in a crib, drink from a bottle and a spanking you deserve is a spaning you will get mama. I DO NOT care how you raise your kid. If you want to breast feed until Junior High…that’s cool (I am gonna talk about your ass, but that is cool). No seriously, everyone parents in different ways. I parent the way I was parented and the way that 99% of the people I know were parented. I am from the south, so we tend to not be as “green” (unless you are talking about collards, I am all over that) as other regions. That does not mean I don’t respect others ways of parenting. I just ask that you respect mine.

I guess I should say when I talk about my awesomeness I am also being silly. I don’t think I am truly a Queen, or totally awesome…I have a few flaws…..just a few! ;o)






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WARNING! WARNING!

WARNING! WARNING!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Trip to the doctor...part deuce. I almost died.

As I prepare to write this blog I have to tell those that read my post last week about taking Matt to the doctor , I DO NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP. Sometime I wish I did. My brain is just simply not creative enough to come up with this crap. I know that if I was reading a blog like this at some point I would have to say “WTF!”. I also want to apologize for the length of this blog. Please stick with me until the end…it is worth it.



Today was Ansley’s turn to take a trip to the doctor (9 year old check up). This time I took Laney with us. I decided to make it a girls day. Her appointment was at 10, but we had to be there at 9:45. So rush, rush to get us all ready and get us there on time. We were in the parking deck at 9:39, so we were cutting it close.


I did not expect for this trip to be anything to write about. I knew that I was in for a time with Matt. That is just how things roll with him. I am not saying that Ansley is not hilarious. She is just more dignified. She acts like a little adult when we are in situations like this.


We arrive at the same stupid sign in desk and answer the same stupid questions as last week. Thankfully, this week I remembered my name and did not just start shouting out numbers at the receptionist. We find a group of chairs close to the door that call you, but positioned so that I may be able to scope out everyone in the waiting room.



I am a people watcher. Along with my people watching, I am a people talk shit abouter. That is, if there is anyone to ogle. My only real wish is that I can have a mini camera that I can take pictures of all of the people that I ogle and talk shit about so that you may get the full effect.



So I hone in on my ogle target. A woman with 2 little boys. The boys looked to be about 7 and 4. The 7 year old was playing DS (What a fucking wonderful invention! Smooches Nintendo!) and the 4 year old was drawing. What made me decide to ogle them was the mom.


I live in the deep south, but it was rather chilly here this morning. 31 to be exact. This woman had on tapered “mom” jeans and flip flops. Often miscues on wardrobe selection will put you on my ogle radar. I have a pic of her feet. I snapped a pic of Laney and was able to get them in without her going all Sean Penn on my ass.

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After some mad text messaging to my husband (he is normally my partner in crime when ogling) I started to eavesdrop. (No, I am totally not above that). Mommy Flip Flops was reading a Medical Terminology book with a fierce passion. She was flipping from the back to the front like a mad woman. She was steadily jabbering to herself.

The younger boy came over to show mom his art work and she half ass glanced at it and then said (in a perfect Prozac voice) “Why don’t you write your numbers 1 to 100.”


Me and the little boy gave her a WTF look. It is not like he was misbehaving. He just wanted her to look at his drawing. Anyway, she proceeded to draw 2 lines on the paper and put him to work while she went back to flipping madly though that damn book.

All of a sudden she yelled out “He needs to drink more water!!”.

Umm ‘Kay.


That was it. Then she went back to her jibbering and highlighting. I am was beginning to think that maybe she was in the wrong place. I think that she needed to be at the wacko office getting some more of her crazy meds.

Then in walks my next target…

A very cute little girl and her mother. There was a child size table and chairs in the middle of the waiting area. Little girl takes a seat in a little chair. Mom scans her options and sees that the waiting area is pretty full by this point, so she decides to take a seat in a little chair. Well, mom was a little fluffy (totally not talking shit about that because I am fluffy to the 2 power). As she sat down her little girl yell out “You gonna break that chair and fall on your butt!”


OMG!


“Ansley” the nurse yelled. Thank God. I did not want to be there to witness what that mother might have to do to that child.


So we go back and do the weight, height, blood pressure song and dance. Then we go into a room (bigger then last weeks) and the nurse give Ansley a gown. As the nurse leaves Ansley looks at me and says that she is not undressing.


“Well of course you are. You are going to do whatever they tell you.”


“Ugh, what all do I have to take off?”


“Everything down to your underwear”.


“Well, we have a problem. I don’t have any on.”


Oh Lord. I so wish I could have a picture of my face to share with the class. I was in total shock.


“WHAT! WHY THE HELL DON’T YOU HAVE ON ANY UNDERWEAR?!”


“I took them in the bathroom and forgot to put them on.”


“Holy Hell! What are we going to do now?!”


“I don’t know, but I don’t have any on.”


I swear I have taught her better then this. OMG we are at the doctors office and she is sitting her commando! Naturally I text Dean so he can share on my shock and horror. I asked him what to do, and of course he had no friggin idea.


So I decided that she would just take off her shirt and leave her jean on. I was hoping that at 9 they would not be taking a look at her goodies…Please God don’t let them look at her goodies.


Resident comes in and does her thing. Question, question, question…then time for the physical exam. Sure enough, she asked Ansley to unbutton her pants so she could check “down there”…sigh.


It was not as bad as I thought. It was just a sneak peek, so she might not have even noticed that my kid didn’t have any drawers on. Then she tells me that her attending will come in and take a look at her. I asked would it be the same exam and she told me that it would not be that in-depth.

Phew!


I sure hope that you did not think that was my big finish for this long ass story.


Attending come in and examines her and does make her unbutton her britches to look at her private parts. Then she told me that since Ansley was pigeon toed she wanted to examine her legs more closely to make sure that there was nothing abnormal.


Ummm ’kay.


“So, I am going to get her to remove her pants so that I can get a better look at her legs. Sometimes pigeon toed can show signs of one leg shorter then the other. I need to make sure everything is symmetrical. Does she have any panties she can put on?”

TOTALLY EMBARRASSED “ No, she forgot to put them on this morning (and I only have diapers for my baby in my bag. I did not know it would be necessary for me to carry a pair of drawers for my nine year old!)


Doctor: Well she is just going wild and free today!



Sigh. This is where I surly thought I would die of embarrassment. Now, I am sure that written in my child’s chart is a note that say “Mother does not make child wear underwear”. That will be there for all eternity. I am so proud.


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10 comments:

  1. Brilliant! Glad I stuck with that. I didn't realise she was 9 until the end! Love it. Must try harder April!!

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  2. I totally didn't think about new people not knowing how old she was! lol I went and edited the begining so everyone will know. Whoopsie!

    Yeah, I know. I suck. Now it is written down for all to see. lol I just never imagined I needed to check behind a 9 year old.

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  3. OMG ROFL!!!!!! Your daughter goes commando? You and your daughter are my heros. For reals.

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  4. HA! I knew you would appreciate this since you know of other times where people in my family have been caught cammando! All I have to say is that what they say is true. What you do to your mother comes back on you 10 fold! When I called my mother and told her about this yesterday I was waiting on a smartass comment.

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  5. OMG I am laughing so hard I am crying! That is TOTALLY something my daughter would do

    OMG

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  6. lol i people watch too lol can i just say that u say what people wont and i love that about you!!! and omg how can u forget to put underwear on lol so funny!!! but i must admit it must be a westcoast thing i wear flipflops when it rains my husband says im confused but he cant understand cuz hes from the east coast its normal to see the following : sewatshirt shorts and flip flops or long sleeve shirt mini skirt and uggs lol my husband says people dont know if theyre hot or cold lol
    BTW I posted something bout a blog hop thought you'd might want to join!

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  7. This is very true on the East coast. I guess I could chalk it up to mammahood. Most of the time I just slide my feet into something and run out the door...but not when I go to the doctor...that would be shameful...kinda like going commando!lol

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  8. OMGosh I am just cracking up...... your kids sure know how to keep the DRs on their toes!! Cal - well he just says they ain't looking down there .. Noah flips out every time the DR is mentioned ... as in "we have a DR appt" ... "who does?" .. "you do" ... "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" and then the full water works until he's assured there will be no needles. And if there is, I'm screwed! Nathan he takes it all in stride, and Kaedyn melts down if you put him on the counter to check in at the DR office... imagine how he treats the DR!

    Anyway ...

    You have been given a reward which can be found on my blog. Doesn't matter if you post the awards, give them back out, or not... at least you know you were thought of and appreciated today :)

    http://moonnstarmommy.blogspot.com/2010/02/its-award-day.html

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  9. Oh my! This is the hardest I've laughed all day. I'm in tears!

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