Karma and Flo...2 bad ass super bitches

...That the bitch finally kills me!

Wait! You say! Who is trying to kill the mama on the potty?

That fucking bitch Flo! If you have been a long time reader (the whole 2 months) of my blog you will know that I have a hate/hate relationship with my very bitchy relative that comes to visit every month. I hate her. I mean I really would like to just totally kick her ass.

Every single month it gets worse and worse. Be careful my snarky friends that are reading this thinking "What a freakin whiney baby". I was you and you will be me. I use to talk MAD SHIT about women that whined every month. I could not believe how weak these silly women were. Surly they were just all fat, lazy asses that wanted to take a day off from life. Snark, Snark.

Then I met my new friend (totally more like a frienemy) Karma. Oh my friend Karma is truly the queen of smartass snarkinest. She had perfected "Come back to bite you in the ass".

Now, this is where I live. Every 28 days. Like clockwork. That bitch Flo must love the hell outta me, or not. I uncovered her evil plans a few months ago.

I had been telling Dean every month that I was bleeding to death. He just did his obligatory pat on the head and told me that I was not going to die. Well, we went a few days later to give blood. I filled out paperwork, sat around, answered questions, sat around and then when I was almost to the chair the chick checked my hemoglobin. Too low. She checked it again, too low. WTF! I have not had issues with my hemoglobin since I was pg with Matt. Then she asked if I was on.

What? My mind was racing. "On". WTF does that mean? Ooooohhhh! Light Bulb! Yes! Yes! I was "on" my period. She then told me that sometime that happens and to try back in a couple of weeks.

Whew! As I stepped out of the blood mobile I felt relieved that I did not have to figure out what I might be dying from. It was just that ole bitch Flo. That is when it dawned on me! That fucking bitch is trying to kill me!

I got in the van and Dean was surprised it did not take too long (he was waiting with LC). I looked him square in the face and said "I told you that bitch was trying to kill me!". He was a little confused until I explained. I have to admit he is good about this new Flo. When we got married, I barley mentioned when she would come. Now, it is a huge announcement...in the days leading up to her arrival. (FYI I totally blame this bitch for the "eating out of the trash" incident the other day).

This morning I was laying in bed on my dingle berry (totally my new name for my shitty black berry. FYI that is where I am posting from now since I am in so much pain) and he asked me what I was doing.

Me: Trying to figure out if I remove my uterus and I die will that be suicide.

D: Contemplating at home surgery again.

Me: Yep! It can't feel any worse!

(Yes I have thought about at home surgery. But that is another post for another day. Today is all about me whining).

Ok Karma! I get it! I am a bad bitch. I need to be nicer and stop talking about people (I am sure that is not going to happen, but I know that I NEED to). I understand that I am not friggin perfect, even though I do a damn convincing job. So, please I beg...call off your dog! Make Flo be nice! If she kills me you can not sit back and laugh at me when you give me chin hair, or my children act a fool like I did when I was a kid. Think about all the fun you will be missing out on. I am much more useful to you a live then dead.

Anyway, since my super wonderful aunt (see how sweet I can be) will be here visiting today, and she loves for us to lay in the bed. I will be reading blogs from my phone. Boo b/c on most sites I can't comment. Hopefully this post will get to Karma soon and she will allow Flo to let me up so I can get some things accomplished. I hope she does not have an in with Santa. That bastard has way too much shit on me!