I have been cruising the mommy blog directories, so I felt like I should put up a disclaimer for the new folks.


Yep! I am all of the above, with a little bit of nice rolled in for good measure (although I don’t show that often). I started this blog just wanting to shoot the shit…yes I do use potty words, they make me feel grown up (kinda)…and after 2 + months I have decided that is what I want to keep on doing. I love give away moms and PR moms rock…that is just not what I started this site for. The only thing I might give away is a small piece of my brain (I can’t afford a big piece, I would have nada left). I will dance for comments and I love followers, not just for the sake of following. If you like who I am and what I do- Follow me Bitches. If not, that is cool.

I am a non baby wearing, put your ass in a crib, drink from a bottle and a spanking you deserve is a spaning you will get mama. I DO NOT care how you raise your kid. If you want to breast feed until Junior High…that’s cool (I am gonna talk about your ass, but that is cool). No seriously, everyone parents in different ways. I parent the way I was parented and the way that 99% of the people I know were parented. I am from the south, so we tend to not be as “green” (unless you are talking about collards, I am all over that) as other regions. That does not mean I don’t respect others ways of parenting. I just ask that you respect mine.

I guess I should say when I talk about my awesomeness I am also being silly. I don’t think I am truly a Queen, or totally awesome…I have a few flaws…..just a few! ;o)




Friday, June 25, 2010

Is that a sock in your g string, or are you happy to see me?

I married for the first time when I was 18 years old (a wee baby). During that time of my life I had a serious stick up my ass. I did not do the typical teenager type things…no partying, no drinking, no nothing. I am not saying that is a bad thing. I can only hope that our 3 children are as tame as their mother. However, not only did I have a stick in my ass, I had my nose stuck very high in the air. Thank goodness life has knocked me down a few pegs and I have lost the stick and all my snottiness.

My BFF at the time was my matron of honor. She was a few years older than me and was a lot more worldly. She had what I call a disappearing stick up her ass…you know the kind that only showed itself when her parents or preacher where around. Needless to say, she had been shit faced a few times in her life.

Well, BFF decided to take it on as her personal goal to get me shit faced. She decided that my bachelorette party would be the perfect opportunity. Just so happens that around that time a local club was having a male review. They would allow 18 year olds in for the male review, but they had to leave when the show was over. It took her (and a few other people) a little while to convince me, but I eventually gave in.

When we got to the club they carded all of us and gave the over 21 crowd arm bands to buy booze. Which they promptly bellied up to the bar and purchased my first alcoholic beverage. I was super nervous with my first few sips, but soon got the hang of it. Five or six drinks later I was drinking them like kool aid. My friends were getting quite annoyed because I was not getting the slightest of a buzz.

It was time for the show to start. I must say, they did not disappoint! A bunch of muscle heads gyrating around in g strings with a couple hundred women…what fun. If you have never been to a male review I highly recommend it just for the entertainment factor alone. The women entertainment that is. These women were acting like crazy people.

I have never been to a female strip club. I have been told that it is look and no touch or they breaka your facea. Not so at a male review. As a matter of fact, they jump off the stage and dry hump half the audience (if you want it or not). The dancers actually will take your hands and put them on their body. Needless to say, little Miss Stick in the Ass was very uncomfortable.

By the third dancer I was getting bored. I mean there is only so much muscles, oil, and gyrating in my attention span. I then turned my attention to drinking again. While I was a goody goody, I did want to know what it felt like to be drunk…just a little. I kept drinking, and drinking and drinking. I felt no different. WTF! Oh well, drink some more.

There were a lot of bachlorette parties there that evening. It seemed like every ten feet there was a chick with a veil and light up penis necklace. So when the MC started talking about bachlorette parties we all started yelling.

Then it happened.

They said my name! Coolie! I am like a bachlorette stud…wait…did he just say come on stage?! Oh fuck me! I am not going up there! Holy hell! At this point I was shoved on stage by my own entourage of light up penis wearers.

Are you fucking kidding me? Here I am, Stick in My Ass, on stage in front of all of these people. Alone.

Not for long.

The next thing I know all of the dancers for the evening came dancing their little g stringed asses off. ALL AROUND ME! One of them got a chair and told me to sit down and proceeded to give me a LAP DANCE! While the guy behind me rubbed his crotch all in the BACK OF MY HEAD. Two guys on the sides grabbed both of my hands and made me RUB THEIR CHESTS!!!!!!!!

OH MY! I was in Chip n Dale HELL!

Thank God this is when the 19 drinks I had kicked in. Not like a full fledge buzz, but enough to get me through this situation without me crapping on myself.  And enough to make me want to peeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (I guess having 175 pound man gyrating on my bladder did not help.

Then (and now) I wonder what made them pick me out of the sea of brides to be. All I can figure is that whatever I was wearing showed my stick in my ass and they wanted to help me pull it out.


  1. hey, im your new follower! i found you while i was blog hopping somewhere. well im glad i found ur blog, your so funny!
    anywhoot if ya got a min follow and check me out, he he
    have a great weekend!