Is that a sock in your g string, or are you happy to see me?

I married for the first time when I was 18 years old (a wee baby). During that time of my life I had a serious stick up my ass. I did not do the typical teenager type things…no partying, no drinking, no nothing. I am not saying that is a bad thing. I can only hope that our 3 children are as tame as their mother. However, not only did I have a stick in my ass, I had my nose stuck very high in the air. Thank goodness life has knocked me down a few pegs and I have lost the stick and all my snottiness.




My BFF at the time was my matron of honor. She was a few years older than me and was a lot more worldly. She had what I call a disappearing stick up her ass…you know the kind that only showed itself when her parents or preacher where around. Needless to say, she had been shit faced a few times in her life.



Well, BFF decided to take it on as her personal goal to get me shit faced. She decided that my bachelorette party would be the perfect opportunity. Just so happens that around that time a local club was having a male review. They would allow 18 year olds in for the male review, but they had to leave when the show was over. It took her (and a few other people) a little while to convince me, but I eventually gave in.



When we got to the club they carded all of us and gave the over 21 crowd arm bands to buy booze. Which they promptly bellied up to the bar and purchased my first alcoholic beverage. I was super nervous with my first few sips, but soon got the hang of it. Five or six drinks later I was drinking them like kool aid. My friends were getting quite annoyed because I was not getting the slightest of a buzz.



It was time for the show to start. I must say, they did not disappoint! A bunch of muscle heads gyrating around in g strings with a couple hundred women…what fun. If you have never been to a male review I highly recommend it just for the entertainment factor alone. The women entertainment that is. These women were acting like crazy people.



I have never been to a female strip club. I have been told that it is look and no touch or they breaka your facea. Not so at a male review. As a matter of fact, they jump off the stage and dry hump half the audience (if you want it or not). The dancers actually will take your hands and put them on their body. Needless to say, little Miss Stick in the Ass was very uncomfortable.

By the third dancer I was getting bored. I mean there is only so much muscles, oil, and gyrating in my attention span. I then turned my attention to drinking again. While I was a goody goody, I did want to know what it felt like to be drunk…just a little. I kept drinking, and drinking and drinking. I felt no different. WTF! Oh well, drink some more.



There were a lot of bachlorette parties there that evening. It seemed like every ten feet there was a chick with a veil and light up penis necklace. So when the MC started talking about bachlorette parties we all started yelling.



Then it happened.



They said my name! Coolie! I am like a bachlorette stud…wait…did he just say come on stage?! Oh fuck me! I am not going up there! Holy hell! At this point I was shoved on stage by my own entourage of light up penis wearers.



Are you fucking kidding me? Here I am, Stick in My Ass, on stage in front of all of these people. Alone.



Not for long.



The next thing I know all of the dancers for the evening came dancing their little g stringed asses off. ALL AROUND ME! One of them got a chair and told me to sit down and proceeded to give me a LAP DANCE! While the guy behind me rubbed his crotch all in the BACK OF MY HEAD. Two guys on the sides grabbed both of my hands and made me RUB THEIR CHESTS!!!!!!!!



OH MY! I was in Chip n Dale HELL!



Thank God this is when the 19 drinks I had kicked in. Not like a full fledge buzz, but enough to get me through this situation without me crapping on myself.  And enough to make me want to peeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (I guess having 175 pound man gyrating on my bladder did not help.



Then (and now) I wonder what made them pick me out of the sea of brides to be. All I can figure is that whatever I was wearing showed my stick in my ass and they wanted to help me pull it out.

Just another reason why I need a Gay BFF!

I am back...and this is a doozey!!


For those of you that do not know, I am addicted to stupid reality TV. Yes, I am the person that keeps up with the Kardashians. I live and breath for Real House Wives of ___________ (You fill in the blank. I love them all.) If there is trashy, crazy entertainment…I am there baby!




It should not come as a surprise that I was enjoying the newest installment of Khloe and Kortney take Miami last night when I heard a phrase that I have never heard. Anal Bleaching. Errmmm?? What? So naturally I turn to my partner in trashy TV watching, my husband.



Me: What did she say?

Dean: I don’t know. I think she said anal bleaching.

Me: What does THAT MEAN?

Dean: How the hell am I suppose to know?

Me: You are A LOT of help. I must know what that is…



Later on in the shower I was trying to come up with a way for me to find out exactly what “anal bleaching” was and what exactly it involved. I can’t google it on my computer. If I did I surely would have like 100 ballizion pop ups for all types of porn…probably mostly gay porn. Then my computer would get some kinda STD and lock up forever. I just can not do that to my precious computer. How would I play bubble pop and maya pyramid? No, googleing it was not an option.



Ahhh…this is where my good ole blackberry comes in handy. See this is where I search for things that I don’t want to possible affect (infect) my computer. I am in BIG TROUBLE if anyone can do some kinda search for all the things that I have looked up on my blackberry. I just hope if I ever turn up missing I have my BB with me. If not the cops are going to think I am a sick bitch that has a fascination with celebrity’s ages.

So we go to bed and I get out my handy dandy BB. I type in ANAL BLEACHING.



HOLY CRAP. People really do this crazy shit. Apparently, it started with the porn industry. They started bleaching their ass holes so that it would look more appealing.



WHAT!



I mean, who even thinks of such.



“Umm yea Cindy, that is a great shot. Great yelling and screaming…just one thing. Your ass looks a little to ass like so hows about you start wiping your butt with Clorox clean up wipes.”



I just sat there reading for half an hour. Apparently it is not as easy as just switching to Clorox wipes. You can go to a salon to have this procedure done or your can go to your dermatologist and ask for a cream.



That is not a conversation that I would like to have with my dermatologist. Nor would I like to go to a salon and have someone lather me up in butt bleach. For people like me, there is the option to order cream online. You have to apply the cream twice a day until you achieve the desired color of ass hole you would like. Then you have to use Kleenex wet wipes to wipe your hiney so that your prestine butt hole will not be stained again. You can use regular wipes, but the Kleenex wipes are flushable.



Anal Bleaching is very popular in the gay community. See! If I had the gay BFF that I always wanted I would not have had to google “anal bleaching” on my blackberry! I am still in a desperate search!

I get how this can be appealing for gay men. Thankfully, I am not their target so they don’t give a rats if my asshole is pink and fleshy.



After reading all about this new phenomenon, I started thinking. I don’t think that most heterosexual dudes care if your ass looks like ass. I mean, if they are willing to sick their dick where poop comes out, I don’t think that their standards are that high…just sayin’.



Another thing that struck me was all the celebrities that have jumped on the “clean the ass” band wagon. These bitches need to think about the women that are trying to immolate them. What kind of message are you sending if you say “your ass is nasty”…hello! It is an ass! It is suppose to be NASTY.



Next thing you know these cleb bitches will start eating potpourri so their shit really does smell like roses.