Mama is on the Potty

Is that a sock in your g string, or are you happy to see me?

2010-06-25T18:09:00.000-04:00

I married for the first time when I was 18 years old (a wee baby). During that time of my life I had a serious stick up my ass. I did not do the typical teenager type things…no partying, no drinking, no nothing. I am not saying that is a bad thing. I can only hope that our 3 children are as tame as their mother. However, not only did I have a stick in my ass, I had my nose stuck very high in the air. Thank goodness life has knocked me down a few pegs and I have lost the stick and all my snottiness.

My BFF at the time was my matron of honor. She was a few years older than me and was a lot more worldly. She had what I call a disappearing stick up her ass…you know the kind that only showed itself when her parents or preacher where around. Needless to say, she had been shit faced a few times in her life.

Well, BFF decided to take it on as her personal goal to get me shit faced. She decided that my bachelorette party would be the perfect opportunity. Just so happens that around that time a local club was having a male review. They would allow 18 year olds in for the male review, but they had to leave when the show was over. It took her (and a few other people) a little while to convince me, but I eventually gave in.

When we got to the club they carded all of us and gave the over 21 crowd arm bands to buy booze. Which they promptly bellied up to the bar and purchased my first alcoholic beverage. I was super nervous with my first few sips, but soon got the hang of it. Five or six drinks later I was drinking them like kool aid. My friends were getting quite annoyed because I was not getting the slightest of a buzz.

It was time for the show to start. I must say, they did not disappoint! A bunch of muscle heads gyrating around in g strings with a couple hundred women…what fun. If you have never been to a male review I highly recommend it just for the entertainment factor alone. The women entertainment that is. These women were acting like crazy people.

I have never been to a female strip club. I have been told that it is look and no touch or they breaka your facea. Not so at a male review. As a matter of fact, they jump off the stage and dry hump half the audience (if you want it or not). The dancers actually will take your hands and put them on their body. Needless to say, little Miss Stick in the Ass was very uncomfortable.

By the third dancer I was getting bored. I mean there is only so much muscles, oil, and gyrating in my attention span. I then turned my attention to drinking again. While I was a goody goody, I did want to know what it felt like to be drunk…just a little. I kept drinking, and drinking and drinking. I felt no different. WTF! Oh well, drink some more.

There were a lot of bachlorette parties there that evening. It seemed like every ten feet there was a chick with a veil and light up penis necklace. So when the MC started talking about bachlorette parties we all started yelling.

Then it happened.

They said my name! Coolie! I am like a bachlorette stud…wait…did he just say come on stage?! Oh fuck me! I am not going up there! Holy hell! At this point I was shoved on stage by my own entourage of light up penis wearers.

Are you fucking kidding me? Here I am, Stick in My Ass, on stage in front of all of these people. Alone.

Not for long.

The next thing I know all of the dancers for the evening came dancing their little g stringed asses off. ALL AROUND ME! One of them got a chair and told me to sit down and proceeded to give me a LAP DANCE! While the guy behind me rubbed his crotch all in the BACK OF MY HEAD. Two guys on the sides grabbed both of my hands and made me RUB THEIR CHESTS!!!!!!!!

OH MY! I was in Chip n Dale HELL!

Thank God this is when the 19 drinks I had kicked in. Not like a full fledge buzz, but enough to get me through this situation without me crapping on myself. And enough to make me want to peeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (I guess having 175 pound man gyrating on my bladder did not help.

Then (and now) I wonder what made them pick me out of the sea of brides to be. All I can figure is that whatever I was wearing showed my stick in my ass and they wanted to help me pull it out.

Just another reason why I need a Gay BFF!

2010-06-21T10:50:00.000-04:00

I am back...and this is a doozey!!

For those of you that do not know, I am addicted to stupid reality TV. Yes, I am the person that keeps up with the Kardashians. I live and breath for Real House Wives of ___________ (You fill in the blank. I love them all.) If there is trashy, crazy entertainment…I am there baby!

It should not come as a surprise that I was enjoying the newest installment of Khloe and Kortney take Miami last night when I heard a phrase that I have never heard. Anal Bleaching. Errmmm?? What? So naturally I turn to my partner in trashy TV watching, my husband.

Me: What did she say?

Dean: I don’t know. I think she said anal bleaching.

Me: What does THAT MEAN?

Dean: How the hell am I suppose to know?

Me: You are A LOT of help. I must know what that is…

Later on in the shower I was trying to come up with a way for me to find out exactly what “anal bleaching” was and what exactly it involved. I can’t google it on my computer. If I did I surely would have like 100 ballizion pop ups for all types of porn…probably mostly gay porn. Then my computer would get some kinda STD and lock up forever. I just can not do that to my precious computer. How would I play bubble pop and maya pyramid? No, googleing it was not an option.

Ahhh…this is where my good ole blackberry comes in handy. See this is where I search for things that I don’t want to possible affect (infect) my computer. I am in BIG TROUBLE if anyone can do some kinda search for all the things that I have looked up on my blackberry. I just hope if I ever turn up missing I have my BB with me. If not the cops are going to think I am a sick bitch that has a fascination with celebrity’s ages.

So we go to bed and I get out my handy dandy BB. I type in ANAL BLEACHING.

HOLY CRAP. People really do this crazy shit. Apparently, it started with the porn industry. They started bleaching their ass holes so that it would look more appealing.

WHAT!

I mean, who even thinks of such.

“Umm yea Cindy, that is a great shot. Great yelling and screaming…just one thing. Your ass looks a little to ass like so hows about you start wiping your butt with Clorox clean up wipes.”

I just sat there reading for half an hour. Apparently it is not as easy as just switching to Clorox wipes. You can go to a salon to have this procedure done or your can go to your dermatologist and ask for a cream.

That is not a conversation that I would like to have with my dermatologist. Nor would I like to go to a salon and have someone lather me up in butt bleach. For people like me, there is the option to order cream online. You have to apply the cream twice a day until you achieve the desired color of ass hole you would like. Then you have to use Kleenex wet wipes to wipe your hiney so that your prestine butt hole will not be stained again. You can use regular wipes, but the Kleenex wipes are flushable.

Anal Bleaching is very popular in the gay community. See! If I had the gay BFF that I always wanted I would not have had to google “anal bleaching” on my blackberry! I am still in a desperate search!

I get how this can be appealing for gay men. Thankfully, I am not their target so they don’t give a rats if my asshole is pink and fleshy.

After reading all about this new phenomenon, I started thinking. I don’t think that most heterosexual dudes care if your ass looks like ass. I mean, if they are willing to sick their dick where poop comes out, I don’t think that their standards are that high…just sayin’.

Another thing that struck me was all the celebrities that have jumped on the “clean the ass” band wagon. These bitches need to think about the women that are trying to immolate them. What kind of message are you sending if you say “your ass is nasty”…hello! It is an ass! It is suppose to be NASTY.

Next thing you know these cleb bitches will start eating potpourri so their shit really does smell like roses.

Taking a break

2010-03-11T12:20:00.000-05:00

I am going on a bloggin vacation. I love blogging, but there are a few other things that I want to accomplish in the next few months. My baby is becoming more mobile/needy...and being a mom comes first. I also have slightly cured my sleeplessness, so that leaves less time to blog.

Sorry no post this week...

2010-03-03T18:40:00.000-05:00

These people have been keeping me busy...

and when they go to bed I am spending time with...

So, anyway...sorry I have not been around. Thanks for the comments and the AWARDS!!! I love you guys!! Be back later.

A Saturday funny!

2010-02-27T14:15:00.000-05:00

A chick from HS post this on FB and it is FUNNY! Try it! Call the Nestles hotline at 18002950051. After it promts english or spanish just sit there about 10 seconds...then press 4...friggin FUNNY AS HELL! Then press 7.

Trip to the doctor...part deuce. I almost died.

2010-02-25T23:21:00.001-05:00

As I prepare to write this blog I have to tell those that read my post last week about taking Matt to the doctor , I DO NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP. Sometime I wish I did. My brain is just simply not creative enough to come up with this crap. I know that if I was reading a blog like this at some point I would have to say “WTF!”. I also want to apologize for the length of this blog. Please stick with me until the end…it is worth it.

Today was Ansley’s turn to take a trip to the doctor (9 year old check up). This time I took Laney with us. I decided to make it a girls day. Her appointment was at 10, but we had to be there at 9:45. So rush, rush to get us all ready and get us there on time. We were in the parking deck at 9:39, so we were cutting it close.

I did not expect for this trip to be anything to write about. I knew that I was in for a time with Matt. That is just how things roll with him. I am not saying that Ansley is not hilarious. She is just more dignified. She acts like a little adult when we are in situations like this.

We arrive at the same stupid sign in desk and answer the same stupid questions as last week. Thankfully, this week I remembered my name and did not just start shouting out numbers at the receptionist. We find a group of chairs close to the door that call you, but positioned so that I may be able to scope out everyone in the waiting room.

I am a people watcher. Along with my people watching, I am a people talk shit abouter. That is, if there is anyone to ogle. My only real wish is that I can have a mini camera that I can take pictures of all of the people that I ogle and talk shit about so that you may get the full effect.

So I hone in on my ogle target. A woman with 2 little boys. The boys looked to be about 7 and 4. The 7 year old was playing DS (What a fucking wonderful invention! Smooches Nintendo!) and the 4 year old was drawing. What made me decide to ogle them was the mom.

I live in the deep south, but it was rather chilly here this morning. 31 to be exact. This woman had on tapered “mom” jeans and flip flops. Often miscues on wardrobe selection will put you on my ogle radar. I have a pic of her feet. I snapped a pic of Laney and was able to get them in without her going all Sean Penn on my ass.

After some mad text messaging to my husband (he is normally my partner in crime when ogling) I started to eavesdrop. (No, I am totally not above that). Mommy Flip Flops was reading a Medical Terminology book with a fierce passion. She was flipping from the back to the front like a mad woman. She was steadily jabbering to herself.

The younger boy came over to show mom his art work and she half ass glanced at it and then said (in a perfect Prozac voice) “Why don’t you write your numbers 1 to 100.”

Me and the little boy gave her a WTF look. It is not like he was misbehaving. He just wanted her to look at his drawing. Anyway, she proceeded to draw 2 lines on the paper and put him to work while she went back to flipping madly though that damn book.

All of a sudden she yelled out “He needs to drink more water!!”.

Umm ‘Kay.

That was it. Then she went back to her jibbering and highlighting. I am was beginning to think that maybe she was in the wrong place. I think that she needed to be at the wacko office getting some more of her crazy meds.

Then in walks my next target…

A very cute little girl and her mother. There was a child size table and chairs in the middle of the waiting area. Little girl takes a seat in a little chair. Mom scans her options and sees that the waiting area is pretty full by this point, so she decides to take a seat in a little chair. Well, mom was a little fluffy (totally not talking shit about that because I am fluffy to the 2 power). As she sat down her little girl yell out “You gonna break that chair and fall on your butt!”

OMG!

“Ansley” the nurse yelled. Thank God. I did not want to be there to witness what that mother might have to do to that child.

So we go back and do the weight, height, blood pressure song and dance. Then we go into a room (bigger then last weeks) and the nurse give Ansley a gown. As the nurse leaves Ansley looks at me and says that she is not undressing.

“Well of course you are. You are going to do whatever they tell you.”

“Ugh, what all do I have to take off?”

“Everything down to your underwear”.

“Well, we have a problem. I don’t have any on.”

Oh Lord. I so wish I could have a picture of my face to share with the class. I was in total shock.

“WHAT! WHY THE HELL DON’T YOU HAVE ON ANY UNDERWEAR?!”

“I took them in the bathroom and forgot to put them on.”

“Holy Hell! What are we going to do now?!”

“I don’t know, but I don’t have any on.”

I swear I have taught her better then this. OMG we are at the doctors office and she is sitting her commando! Naturally I text Dean so he can share on my shock and horror. I asked him what to do, and of course he had no friggin idea.

So I decided that she would just take off her shirt and leave her jean on. I was hoping that at 9 they would not be taking a look at her goodies…Please God don’t let them look at her goodies.

Resident comes in and does her thing. Question, question, question…then time for the physical exam. Sure enough, she asked Ansley to unbutton her pants so she could check “down there”…sigh.

It was not as bad as I thought. It was just a sneak peek, so she might not have even noticed that my kid didn’t have any drawers on. Then she tells me that her attending will come in and take a look at her. I asked would it be the same exam and she told me that it would not be that in-depth.

Phew!

I sure hope that you did not think that was my big finish for this long ass story.

Attending come in and examines her and does make her unbutton her britches to look at her private parts. Then she told me that since Ansley was pigeon toed she wanted to examine her legs more closely to make sure that there was nothing abnormal.

Ummm ’kay.

“So, I am going to get her to remove her pants so that I can get a better look at her legs. Sometimes pigeon toed can show signs of one leg shorter then the other. I need to make sure everything is symmetrical. Does she have any panties she can put on?”

TOTALLY EMBARRASSED “ No, she forgot to put them on this morning (and I only have diapers for my baby in my bag. I did not know it would be necessary for me to carry a pair of drawers for my nine year old!)

Doctor: Well she is just going wild and free today!

Sigh. This is where I surly thought I would die of embarrassment. Now, I am sure that written in my child’s chart is a note that say “Mother does not make child wear underwear”. That will be there for all eternity. I am so proud.

My Skew on the Tiger Press Confrence-Elin Style

2010-02-25T08:10:00.003-05:00

I had a Tiger post prepped, but I held it back to be able to play along with the ladies of the Skew.

If you have a Skew on Cheetah Woods go on over and link up with the ladies.

Transcript from Elin Wood’s Press Conference

Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends, Most of you are just money grubbin tabloid journalist that have been following me around for the last 3 months on constant “wedding ring watch“. Many of you in this room know me not for my smoking hot body, but as the Swedish nanny that snagged the Tiger.. Many of you have cheered for his sorry ass, and have been real fuckers for keeping his infidelity a secret…and on some occasions aiding him in these endeavors. You can all suck it.

Some of you have been critical of me. I want to say to each of you, fuck a whore and get speckled dick syndrome. I am not responsible for anything that pathetic version of a man that I am married to has done. As a matter of fact, because of his “selfish and irresponsible” behavior, I have had to have my va jay jay examined on more then one occasion, and I have had to under go multiple blood tests.

I know people want to know why Tiger did these things. Well, the answer is simple. HE IS A MOTHER FUCKER. Just like every other man that has ever cheated on his wife. I mean, it is not rocket science people. He can get up and say that he has an addiction and all that bullshit…to that I say DUH! What man is not addicted to sex? HELLO! Then other people ask “How could you do these things to your wife and your kids?” Easy, he is a narrstic rat bastard. He only cares about himself and his little (I mean little) Tiger.

Tiger has stated that he and I are starting the process of discussing the damage caused by his behavior. I wanted to clear that statement up and say that we are discussing how that sorry mother fucker is going to pay my ass. Pay dearly, for the rest of his sorry mother fucking life.

I also want to clear up something else that he stated in his “stroke his ego like a hand job” press announcement. I did not hit him on Thanksgiving, but I beat the FUCK out of that Cadillac. I was swinging at him, but the pussy got in the SUV and tried to drive away. So, no I did not hit the cum stain, but I did want to.

I am not ruling out staying married to Tiger. However, it will be on my conditions. The first condition is that if he has sex with anyone other then me (which is not gonna fucking happen) he agrees to have acid slowly dropped on the tip of his dick until it is mutilated. Not even Rosy Palm. No one. One day, if his actions prove that he is worthy, he might be allowed to come back to our marital bed. The second condition is that I have total control for the next 14 years (one for each whore). This includes, but is not limited to, if he says something that pisses me off, or does not do what I say he will be subject to whatever I deem fit. Punishment can be anything. Like playing a major in full drag queen style.

There has been news in the media that has stated that Tiger used “performance enhancing” drugs. I am here to say, DUH! Get real people. Did you think that his guns just popped out like that over night from lifting whores? I also have a picture of his ball sack and you tell me if you think he has been hitting the roids.

Also, I want to add that “performance enhancing” drugs are not only used on the golf course. He has been on Viagra, Cialis, and Enzyte all at the same time. He can no longer achieve a natural erecting because of all of the steroids. Even while on all of these drugs, he has serious soft dick. (not a good fuck people, not a good fuck).
Don't believe me! Rachel Ucantelliamawhore is coming out with her tell all book "I've had Tiger in my tank, and I felt empty". Nuff said.

I also want to let all of you know that today I am going to buy the biggest, bad asses Hummer type car that I can find. If you mother fuckers do not leave me and my kids alone I am going to ram your asses off the road. I am also going to buy one bad mother fucker of a trained watch dog and if you come near my house you are going to have your balls removed by his razor sharp teeth. Enough. Leave me the fuck alone!

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I have started a new blogy for all of my shit box (TV) talk. If you get a chance come over and check it out.

Curling is my current crack...

2010-02-23T22:13:00.001-05:00

I am really not an Olympics kinda girl. I do like the winter version much more then the summer version. I usually only do skating. Pretty much, that’s it. In 2006 Dean and I were neck deep in getting married, so I watched nada.

During that Olympics I heard back ground noise about this sport called “Curling”. By the time we got back from Mexico the Olympics were done and put to bed, not to be thought of by people like me until…well now.

Again, I was only interested in skating. I will watch here and there if nothing better is on the shit box. This is the point where I got sucked in…to Curling.

I must say that I often get hooked on one thing and I become obsessed. I have been through several phases in the past several years. There was the poker phase. I could not go to sleep at night with out hearing the clinking together of poker chips (yeah, strange) and I was getting in fights with assholes on pokerstars.com because they were talking shit about me not being a woman (WTF? A woman can play poker, and kick your ass thankyouverymuch…ask Dean). Then I had my Tudor’s phase. I became totally obsessed in everything that had anything to do with Henry VIII and all of his wives, esp. Ann Boleyn. I even went so far as to wanting to visit all of the graves of these dead mother fuckers. I mean they changed how the whole friggin country worshiped and totally just snubbed the Pope. All because little Henry wanted to come out to play. (And they say that the world is going to hell, we have been there a long time!). I love good gossip and a juicy story, and those scandalous Royals have it all covered.

My biggest, and longest lasting obsession is Louisiana and Cajuns. I took that to a whole new level when I married one and then procreated. Now I have a little aaaaayyyyiiiieee gal running around.

I go through my Big Brother phase every summer. We have Showtime just so I can watch those people fight and act like fools. That is kinda a long obsession for me. It runs from July to September, and by September I am ready for it to be over. There are many, many more phases…too many to list. Basically, I have obsession ADD.

So that brings me back to my current crack. Curling. I have no idea why. Dean was watching it one night and I became totally involved. I am asking him questions (like he fucking knows). It did not take very long before I started telling the people on the shit box how to play. They didn’t listen all the time…and they fucking lost. I also like being on the red team. IDK why, but it pisses me off if the red team is not a team that I like. Also did yall know that curling started in 1565? I do! Because, as my husband puts it...I am a dork. I am not trying to be a dork, it is just part of my obsession. When I get hooked on something...I must know every single thing about it.

I have decided that I must be on a curling team. Not only on the curling team, but I want to be the Skip. I am really good at figuring things out and I am DAMN GOOD at bossing people around. There are just a couple of issues that I have to clear up before the 2014 games.

1. We gotta get some kinda stick approved so when I have to throw the stone I don’t have to bend my fat ass over. (Ha! You think I am going to lose weight?)

2. I have to get a place to practice. I live in the deeeeeep south, so there are not too many frozen ponds to do the sling and sweep. I thought about the roller ring, but Dean said that would not work that well. Sigh.

3. I need sponsorships. I looked up how much the stones cost (I shit you not, I totally did look it up) and the sites I went to did not even list prices. In my world, that means that I am too po to afford what they are selling.

So if anyone wants to get behind my redneck curling team, hit me up. Better hurry up…my attention is leaning to other adventures…my nervous tick is starting to kick in…

Post It Notes- Week 3

2010-02-23T10:01:00.001-05:00

Does everyone know what time it is.......
That's right kids! It's POST IT NOTES TUESDAY brought to you by the one and only...

Link up and play along!!!

I love my son! He is a hoot!

2010-02-19T23:00:00.000-05:00

I am so freaking full I am about to pop…seriously…

Dean and I went out for our anniversary dinner tonight and it was gooood. I am currently a vegetarian due to my Lenten promise, so I ate eggplant parmesan. I must say, I did not miss meat a bit! LOL I have been meatless for 3 days and I am hangin tough. It is not near as hard as I thought it would be (but I like veggies).

No post from me yesterday because all hell broke loose in my house. Laney has her very first ear infection, and is not dealing with things well. She cried all day long…All. Day. Long. I should have went to the high school and pick up a few gals that thinks that having a baby is “so cool” and let them take care of her. Having a baby is cool…but not at 15...17...hell it is hard at 33.

Not only did I have Miss Fussy Pants, I had to take Matt to the doctor. Yeah me! My mom, God bless her, came and watched Laney so I only had to deal with Matt.

If you have read my blog for awhile, or know me in RL (or have been an online friend for awhile) you know that Matty has issues. When he was 6 his 1st grade teacher told me that he exhibited signs of ADD. Ugh! Not my little perfect child…

I was wrong. He is very well behaved and is on the A/B honor roll at school, but it is a daily struggle for him, and us. We have battled this monster for years. We have used different memory techniques, and tried everything under the sun to not have to take the step towards meds.

Matt came to me some time last year and told me that he wanted to go to the doctor. He is sick of having to battle this alone. I don’t blame him. I am still not sure how I feel about meds and we are still in the evaluation process. Meds might not be our first line of defense, but we are going to see what is out there.

Anyone that knows Matt in real life with tell you he is funny! I mean FUN-AY! He is shy at school, but anywhere else he is a ham. He once stood in a booth at Outback and shook his money maker to the point that he had the ENTIRE restaurant looking. The waitress said that she had never seen anything like it! I have no idea where he gets this junk from. While I spew crap on the internet, and I have been known to cut up with friends…I don’t shake it in public…well, not as much as he does.

He and I were both nervous about this appointment. Kinda for the same reasons. We did not know what the heck to expect. He drove me crazy on the way to the appointment telling me how things were going to go. Yeah, yeah son…you’re the boss…whatever you say.

We get to the doctors office and walk up to the counter. A not so nice lady looked at me.

Me: Yes, my son has an appointment. He is on the adolescent side, is this where we sign in? (they have 2 sides pediatrics and adolescent)

Her: Yes, sign there (pointing at clipboard)

Me: (pick up pen and start signing in)

Her: Name?

Me: John Sanders

Her-DOB?

Me- 1/17/99

Her- Address?

Me- 123 my street (ok mean looking lady, I told the people that I made the appointment with all this info. WTH. Not to mention you are asking me all this info in front of a million bazillion people in the waiting room. Have you heard of lower your voice…yo. Not to mention, I am signing in. I can not write and talk at the same time).

Her- Your name?

Me- ugh..ummm…ugh…April (I think)
Her- Maiden Name?

Me-Cook (still trying to answer all the questions on the sign in sheet)

Her- Phone number

Me- ugh…my last name is not the same as his…I am not April Sanders

Her- OK, well what is your maiden name? Cook, right?

Me- Yes, but that is not my name! I don’t go by April Cook.

Her- That is ok.

Me- What? You don’t even want to know my last name?

Her- no, I don’t need that

Me- OK 555-5555 (YELLING)…oh wait…did you ask me for my number?

Matt- Mama!

Me- What?

Matt- You are bringing me to the doctor, I think you need the doctor!

Me- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go sit down you little smart ass.

So we sit and wait for awhile. Then we go to a room that is (I am not shittin you) is the size of a broom closet. Joy.

So here is me (who is so confused that I don’t even know my own damn name) and dufus (who is so nervous he can not sit still). He jump up on the table and is actin a fool. A nurse come in and he looks like he is posing for play girl. When she walked out I said “Matt, you are crazy”…he said “Y’all made me this way. It runs in the family. Heck, you don’t even know your own name!”

Smart ass.

Next med student came in and asked a trillion questions. A fucking trillion. It seemed like we were in that closet forever. Anyway, she examined him and all was good. Then she told him to take off his clothes and put on this gown. HA!

I really wish y’all could have seen the look on his face. He was like “nah, I am good.”

Med student- put this on and the doctor will be with you in a few minutes.

Exit med student

Matt-(SHREAKING) WHY DO I HAVE TO PUT THIS ON?

Me: Because she said so.

Matt- I DON’T WANT TO PUT THIS ON. WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO THAT I CAN’T HAVE MY CLOTHES ON FOR?

Me: I have no idea, but do what they say.

Matt- MAMA! ARE THEY GONNA LOOK “DOWN THERE” (pointing to his crotch)

Me- Son, I don’t know. Just do what they say.

Matt- I don’t want anyone looking at my balls.

Me-(ROLLING LAUGHING) Go put the damn gown on!

So he makes a huge production about going behind a curtain and getting undressed, all the while bitchin about them lookin at his balls. I am laughing so hard at this point I am crying.

He goes and hops back on the table just as the doc and the med student come in. We talked for a little while then she did his physical exam. Ear, throat, listen to his heart beat…all that jazz. She told him to lay down so she could listen to his stomach. He shot a glance at me, but complied. She listened for a minute or so then grabbed his underwear waistband and said let me take a peek.

OMG! It took all I could do not to laugh. He looked at me like it was all my fault. Like I slid the doc a $20 so she would look at his dingy! He was pissed!

It was like a 2 second peek. I thought to myself, what in the hell could she have really have seen medically during that peek? Hell, it was kinda like she was just verifying it was there!

Sigh.

Exam over. They leave. But not before she orders some blood work. Nice. So I let them look at the dingy and I am going to let them stick him with needles. I am so gonna get it when we leave here!

He gets dressed, again bitching at me like I personally wronged him in some way. I guess I should have said “NO! DON’T LOOK AT HIS PENIS!” They already think I am a freak that does not know my own name.

The lab tech came in and he got very serious with her (I guess he decided that he was no leaving his medical care up to me any more since I allowed someone to look at this weenie). He looked her dead in the eyes and said:

Matt- You care going to take my blood?
LT- Yes, is that ok?
Matt- Are you a professional?
LT- (kinda taken aback) What do you mean?
Matt- How long have you been doing this?
LT- 10 years in November
Matt- You have been working here 10 years?
LT- yes
Matt- and you have been taking peoples blood the whole time? Not none of that behind the desk stuff?
LT- No, drawing blood for 10 years
Matt- Ok, you can do it.

And they say that people don’t ask enough questions when they go to the doctor! LOL

On the way home we talked about it and he got ok. He understands that they have to check things out in the nether regions. Freaked him out a little, but he got over it. As we pulled in the driveway he says “I am gonna tell grandma they looked at me balls (yes, he said me balls).

Oye!

Anyway, we are doing some evaluations and we have to go back in the next few weeks. Laney is much better (thanks to magic bubble gum meds). And I am going to peel these jeans off my ass (note to self, next time I go out to eat wear elastic).

From the "Stupid Shit" File in my brain

2010-02-17T13:41:00.003-05:00

Through out my life I have stumbled across a lit of strange shit. I have a file in my brain that is actually named “strange shit”. That is where this blog is coming from today…

One day I decided that I HAD TO HAVE some “old grandma house shoes”. These are the house shoes that all of our southern grandmothers have worn. These are the shoes that if you go to a laundry mat on any given day you will see several people shuffling around in. I decided that I must have a pair.

I am odd in this way. I get one thing in my head and I just will not let it go. I looked high and low, left and right. There was not a pair within 50 miles of my house. I was pissed. I knew they still made these shoes. I saw at least one person wearing a pair every time I went down to the gas station.

I was on a mission. I went to my friend the internet. The internet knows all and could surly help me find some grandma house shoes. I searched several sites to no avail. I was becoming increasingly irritated and more determined. So I went to my ole pal eBay.

EBay has everything. So, if they still made these shoes…I would find them there. I searched the word “slippers”. A million bazillion listings came up. Since I could not narrow it down much (I don’t think that the correct name for these slippers is “ole grandma”) I had to look at all the listings. FUN FUN!--not.

As I was looking I came across a peculiar listing. It was a listing for a pair of well worn house shoes. (what?). I looked at it more and it had 30 something bids and the price was up to over 100 bucks (WHAT!). I am very confused at this point. Are these mutha fucking magic shoes? Do you click your heels and your house is clean? Is this a cover for some kinda drug ring? (Yes, I really thought all of these thoughts).

I shook my head and continued on my search for grandma shoes. Again, I came across a crazy ass listing for well worn slippers. Ok! WTF? This is way too strange for me…and intriguing. I abandon my original search and type in the words “well worn slippers”.
Cha Ch’ing! I hit the jackpot! There were 100’s of listings. I am even more intrigued. So I start clicking and looking and I just get more and more confused. Why? Why in the world would there be 100’s of listings for nasty worn house shoes?

I could not stand it anymore. I had to know. So I emailed one of the sellers (yes, I am a freak). I stated that I was in no way interested in her slippers, but I really wanted to know what was so special about them that people would spend that kinda money?

Have you figured it out? I didn’t! I was floored when she emailed me back that it was a fetish item!

WHAT!

Men pay hundreds of dollars to wack off on nasty worn shoes! EWWWW

I am not knocking foot fetish people. I am just saying that to someone that is not a foot fetish person it is slightly bizarre…and gross.

She also told me that slippers were not the only item they seek. They also like worn socks, nylons and their favorite is high heels. Most auctions are private so to protect the identity of the purchaser.

I got schooled. I must say that I sat there with my mouth hung open for about 5 seconds before I grabbed the phone and started spewing this jibberish all over my friends and family. My father (who is beyond an idiot) was on board with starting a nasty slipper business. He said that he would get them worn but I would have to be the model. Ummm, I don’t think so pops.

So, if you don’t have issues with men jacking off to your smelly shoes and know how to work eBay, you could make a little cash. I did search well worn slippers when I thought about writing this post. I have to say the economy has hit them hard. There is not as many listings and they are not going for near the cash that they were during the first time I searched this. Here is a current listing (so y’all know I am not just a raving lunatic).

Click here for a laugh (or to be grossed out)

Oh and for those wondering…I did get my slippers…not well worn, thankyouverymuch! (and the next week they had a whole rack at Wal-mart. Go figure!)

Post It Notes- Week 2

2010-02-16T09:00:00.001-05:00

Brought to you by

Link up and play along!

Undercover Jackass- Hooters...and some awards!

2010-02-15T12:39:00.000-05:00

This is a bonus Monday post. I had the post below set on scheduled publish then I watched Undercover Boss and I just had to write. So read below for my real Monday post.

If you have not watched Undercover Boss this week and you don’t want to hear about it stop reading right here…

Stop

I am gonna talk about it.

You better stop now.

You have been warned.

As most of you know I am a shitbox (aka the tv) junkie. I can not get enough of all these stupid reality shows. I love them. I have several that I have new obsessions with. I am surprised that I can even function in life with all of these great shows coming on the shitbox. Thank God for DVR.

I totally got sucked into the after the Super Bowl premiere of Undercover Boss. It was a pretty good little show. Then they sucked me in with previews for this weeks “Hooters” episode. I loath Hooters. Loath them.

I guess they have a place in this world (kinda like my blog! Ha!). But I aint buying what they are selling. Maybe it is because I am not into tits and ass. It’s is just not my thing. I feel sorry for the women that work there. I guess I shouldn’t. I mean they know why they are there. They applied to be sex objects. Must be something they like to do.

I get up on my soapbox about things, and this is one of them. I would not want either of my daughters to work there. I know that everyone has heard my arguments before about how it is degrading to women. It is sexist. Yada, yada, yada…all the things that most women say.

Well last nights Undercover Boss just summed up everything I thought. There was one particular manager that was shit ton stupid. He was the poster boy for male chauvinist pigs. If you have never heard of this show here is the trailer from last nights show…

The pig would be the ass that made the girls play “reindeer games” to go home (the place was dead and the ladies were making no tips). At this location the undercover ~~jerk off~~ boss was training to be a manager. Included in this little segment was douche bag manager lining the girls up for “inspection”. He even said something to one girl about not having her nails painted. (?) I am not sure what that has to do with serving food, but whatever. He also called all the girls “Pre Madonnas” and acted like he was enjoying humiliating these ladies. FYI for those that did not watch, he mad them eat a plate of baked beans...piggy style. Whoever won got to go home early.

Undercover Jackass just stood by, watching. He even said to the camera crew “He knows the brand…he is just executing it wrong”. OOOOOOOOOk. He did leave and call the franchise owner and told him that he had some “concerns”. This is what the conversation should have went like…

UCB: Yeah, this is the person that sold you your franchise. You have a huge dickwad for a manager and I expect his ass to be fired like 5 minutes ago. If you don’t I will get all my high priced corporate lawyers to sue your ass for damaging our brand and putting our company at risk for a whole bunch of different lawsuits. Get it? I am going to yank your franchise. So do something…now.

If that would have been said…I would actually eat at Hooters.

But it was not. Undercover Boss Pussy just “talked” to him. He told him that was not an appropriate way to act. Waaaaaaahhhhh WTFE (what the fuck ever). I got the feeling that if a CBS film crew was not following his ass he would have slapped him on the back and bought him a beer.

I sure hope that he did not think that this show was going to be good for business. If anything it just confirmed everything I thought. Even my husband, who dearly loves Hooters wings, said that he will never spend another dollar with them after watching that.

Sigh. What a dumbass.

Onto brighter things…

I got 2 awards! Yea me! Well it is the same award from 2 kick ass bloggers.

First from

It's a Mummys Life

And then from

B Sparkly

These are awesome mommy bloggers! Go check them out! Right now! Thank you very much to both of them!

I am suppose to give this out to 12 bloggers. I am not good at this. I can never pick just 12, so I am going to break the rules (again) and give it to everyone. I think that everyone has so much to offer in their own special way, and I enjoy reading all of your blogs every single day!

Baby, When I think about you, I think about LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE..(dun nun nun dun nun nun) Feel like making people throw up...(dun nun nun dun nun nun)

2010-02-15T09:00:00.001-05:00

Dude that could totally be a Weird Al song!!!!!!! I hope I don't have to get any money to Bad Company!........................................ANYWAY.....................................

Dean and I had our very first date on my birthday. I am going to admit, I was not in a place where I wanted a relationship. In my mind he was just another “internet jerk off”. I had had my fill of them. I only went on a second date because 1. it was my very first Easter without my kiddies and 2. a guy that my friend was dating told me that I needed to not judge every internet man by the frogs I…er…kissed…yeah kissed.

We went to a movie (Hitch) and to lunch (Macaroni Grill) and then to the store to get my kiddies a few things for Easter. That is what I do when I miss them. I buy shit. I better be a fucking millionaire when they move out.

That day I started to like my new friend. He was different. Internet frogs would not have given a shit about going to pick out stuff for a 4 and 6 year old. Dean did. We had a great day. More importantly, I could be myself. I was myself from day one (I will tell y’all more about that later). And he liked me.

His birthday is 9 days after mine. On his birthday we went to play Put Put and then we took a trip to Wal-mart. Raskel Flatts’ song “Broken Road” was popular at that time, so I wanted to get him the CD. Well…

We pulled into the parking place and sat there for a few minutes. Then we kissed. When I say we kissed, there was tongue. By no means were we groping each other (there was a huge friggin center console thingy in between us). We kissed a few times then talked then kissed a few more times, you know…all that shit you do when you first start dating.

I am going to stop right here and let y’all know that I am not a fan of wild public displays of affection. If you want to play tonsil hockey and feel each other up…do it at home. I am also going to say that we were in the truck, 2 country miles from the front door. I am going to add…we were just kissing, not muggin down.

Anyway, we get out and go walking hand in hand the 2 country miles into the store. I get him the CD and go about our business of checking out and walking the 2 country miles back to the truck. When we got in I noticed a piece of paper under the wiper on his side. Hmm. Dean grabbed it, read it, and handed it to me. The note said:

EWWW. GET A ROOM!

OMFG! I had no idea that anyone was WATCHING US! Not that I cared b/c we were not acting like horny teenagers, but it creped me out that someone was watching. Then I died laughing. I mean, someone too their friggin time to find a piece of paper, write a note, get outta their car and put it on Dean’s truck! How fucked up is that!

I am not gonna lie. I talk mad shit about people’s wardrobe choices (leggings were not intended for fat girls…I can say that b/c I am a fat girl, and yes if you have a florescent green mohawk I am gonna snicker), but I do not actually tell these people they are stupid or need a personal shopper. I also my crinkle my nose up if I see a couple muggin in the mall, but I am not going to tell them to GET A ROOM!

Oh well. Apparently they didn’t enjoy the show. We will try to do better next time! :0)

SNOW SNOW BABY!

2010-02-13T13:21:00.000-05:00

Hell has froze over. By hell I mean the south. Trust me, if you came here in August you would call this place hell also. Surly, hell could not be much hotter. Anyway, we have 6...yes 6 inches. I know this is like baby shit to the people who live up north, but to us...this is huge. The last time it snowed this much was 2002. Ansley was 1 1/2.

Being from the south, I do not prepare for such times. We don’t have mittens, snow boots...nothing to use to go outside and properly play in the snow. Hell, it took 20 minutes to find Laney's coat! Here is how we roll in SC. (don’t snicker you Yankees). Laney had on 1 long sleeve shirt, 2 footed sleepers, a hooded jacket, her winter coat, and a hat...and a partridge in a pair tree. She looked like Ralphie’s brother.

The big kids got off a little easier…they had on thick sleeping pants, jeans and 3 shirts…with coats and hats. The did have to put ziploc bags on their hands and then put socks over them…what! I didn’t want their hands to freeze. The hospitals here are not prepared to deal with frost bite. I am pretty sure they ditched that look as soon as I came back inside. Oh well. I did my crazy mama duty. If they lost a finger in the big snow of 2010, that was all them.

Laney did not think the snow was that cool. Actually, she did not like it at all. She let us put her down for 3 seconds and she was done. The big kids loved it, but were not complaining when we told them to come inside. Less then 24 hours after it started, ½ of my yard is melted and the other half is going as quick as the wicked witch on the Wizard of Oz. I am not sad. I must give kudos to my friends that live in the north…I don’t know how you do it. Check back with me in 4 months…I will be hating the heat then. Hopefully, my nasty ass pool will be pretty and blue by then…if we ever get the sunken tarp out. Oye!

One nasty cement pond!

Cheers and Jeers

2010-02-12T09:00:00.002-05:00

I had a really good Valentine's Day post planned, but I am going to save it for next week on Dean and my anniversary. So, you get Cheers and Jeers (Just like the old TV Guide!).

Cheers- I totally taped Dean while he was snoring and made it his ring tone.

Jeers- To my son’s math teacher. Is there a reason why you don’t give my son home work all fucking week then load his ass down on one night? I mean really? Have you ever heard of S P R E A D I NG it out? Duh! It is ridiculous that you assigned 159 thousand problems on brand new material. I am telling you now Baldy, if you send my kid home with a shit ton of homework over the weekend, we will be having a come to Jesus meeting.

Cheers- My parents are closing on their house Monday! Yipee!

Jeers- To the fuck wad pharmacy tech that filled Dean’s prescription- I am looking for you. I dropped $70 for 6 pills and you only gave him 2. On the label you also put “use as directed”. That is where the fucking directions go you big dumb ass. Anyway, you and I will have an appointment with a can of whop ass if you don’t give my husband the rest of his meds and TELL HIM HOW HE IS SUPPOSE TO TAKE THEM.

Cheers- Survivor. Awesomeness. Total Awesomeness. I will admit I am for team villains (are you surprised?)

Jeers- To my children that refuse to put their glasses in the sink. I am not your personal maid! I know you think I am, but I am not. I have had it and I am in the process of thinking up a very creative punishment for this offence. One that you will surly hate. Muhahhahhhahhahaa

Cheers- To my wonderful husband that convinced the doctor to give him a refill on my prescriptions so that I don’t have to go to the doctor. I hate going to the doctor. Seriously. Hate. Going. Dean talking dude into giving me an RX was like Christmas morning. I will have to go in a few months…but not now!!!!! lol

Jeers- To the people in my house who use more then their allotted shit tickets. STOP IT. Toilet paper does grow on trees, but it is expensive as hell. I am going to go all old school on your asses if you don’t stop… corn cob, that is all I am saying.

Cheers- I received an award from Ruby over at Growing up Blackxican! She is a sweetie and her kiddies a dolls. Go check her out!!!!!!!!!!

I have to tell y'all 6 things that I am a master in. hmmm

1. Bossing people around (not that they listen)
2. Sleeping (Laney-Claire, Matt and I are pros at this)
3. Driving from the passenger seat...don't believe me? Ask Dean! He will tell you that I tell him exactly how to drive and bitch the whole time. I don't know how that man gets back and forth without me.
4. Texting (totally stole this one from Ruby...it is hard to think of 6 things I am good at!)
5. Watching TV, Really stupid TV. (lol I really do not have a clue what to say!)
6. Cooking. I don't tell many people that I do know how to cook. I just act stupid so I don't have to do it often.

I am suppose to pass this along to 6 people, but it is so hard for me to pick just 6...so I give this to all of you! Just post and tell your six super dooper things that you do. Make sure you comment in this post so I can go check it out!!

Cheers- To the weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope y’all have a great one! Love up on all your hunnies!!!!!!

Good ole Birds and the Bees....

2010-02-11T09:00:00.001-05:00

When people learn that my older children know all about sex they often seem mortified. Trust me, I was also. I knew that I would have to have the “birds and the bees” (Does anyone’s parents actually ever tell them about birds and bees? That is kinda a lame metaphor. I mean they don’t do it in any way shape or form like we do it. Why is it called that?) but I did not figure it would be at the local Mexican restaurant.

Yes, the local Mexican place is where my kids learned what procreation is all about. I guess I should give you a little back story.

One sunny afternoon my whole family and I were on the way to have dinner at our local Mexican place. As we were tooting along my ears quipped up to a conversation my children were having in the back seat. Matthew was in 3rd grade (9 years old) and Ansley was in the 1st (7 years old).

Matt: I know what sex is.

Ansley: So do I.

Matt: You do not! What is it then?

Ansley: You don’t know. You just want me to tell you. You tell me and I will tell you if you are right…~~smart little shit~~

Matt: It is when a man PEE PEES is a woman’s MOUTH

Ladies and Gentleman I near about died right there riding in that truck. How could such vile things come out of my children’s mouth? Just the day before they were playing Blue’s Clues and Dora was taching them spanish. How could this happen?

I know. It is that damn school. Listen up folks of little kiddies. School teaches much more then Reading, Writing and Arithmetic. Your kids will learn about all the things that you have been trying to not teach them. How, I have no idea. I mean, don’t all parents shield their kids and not talk about such things as the S E X word? Apparently not. Listen to your kids, talk to your kids! You do not know what kinda ~~shit~~ these little ~~asshole~~ kids are teaching your young!

So I sat there contemplating how exactly I wanted to handle this situation. I had several options. I could ignore it. I could confront them and tell them they are not suppose to talk about stuff like that. I could confront them and give them a butterflies and rainbows explanation about sex and how it is only for adults and all that shit. Or. I could tell them the truth. Hmm, the truth. I wonder how that would work out for me. Were they old enough? I mean, they apparently know that it is some type of relation between a man and a woman. They were not that far off base. Thinking…Thinking…Thinking…

We arrive at the restaurant and I still had all of the recent events weighing heavily on my mind. We were seated in a booth and our orders per promptly taken. After all the brew ha ha of getting chip, salsa and drinks I began…

***I want you all to know that Dean was unaware of the conversation in the truck, so he had no idea what was about to transpire.***

Me: I heard y’all talking in the truck. What was it you were saying about sex?

Matt and Ansley- deer in headlights look, they knew they were busted. Then they started laughing.

Me: Well? I heard what you said.

Dean: What were y’all talking about? (totally lost)

Me: What do you think sex is exactly?

giggles

Matt: When a man pee pees in a woman’s mouth

Dean: SHOCKED LOOK

Me: That is what I thought I heard. Where did you learn this?

Matt: Some people were talking about it at school.

Me: ahhh I see. Do you think that is something nice to talk about at school?

Matt: No ma’am.

Me: Well, that is not what sex is, and if you have questions about anything you need to come to me and I will clear things up for you. Sometimes people talk at school and they get things mixed up because they really don’t know, or understand. Sex is an adult thing. Kids, especially kids your age should not be concerned with sex.

Matt: yes ma’am

Me: Do you want to know about sex? If I tell you we are not going to act silly. If you have real questions and you ask respectfully we will answer them.

Dean: TOTAL SHOCK

Here is where I went into the mechanics of doing the deed. I also covered that this is something that married people do and it is not something for children to do or even talk about. I also told them that I did not want them to go to school and tell anyone about sex. Everyone’s parents tells them when they think their child is ready and it is not right for them to go to school talking about such things.

We covered pretty much everything that they needed to know. Answered their questions. It actually went very well.The funniest thing that was said was when we were all done I asked if they had anymore questions. Matt said no, but he wanted to say something.

Matt: THAT IS NASTY AND I AM NEVER DOING THAT!!!!

Oh, how he will change his mind!! LOL

On a funny note--------We get home out of kids ear shot and Dean say WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!! LOL

******So I had this qued for Tuesday and I did my post it notes, then Wednesday I did my Vagina Montologues so this got bumped to Thursday. Since I wrote this I have seen several news stories about Planned Parent International has came out with a new deal that they want manditory sex ed for all 10 year olds. Not the how it all works kinda education. More like the "you should do this, it feels so good". I wanted to clear up that I do not support this. I think that sex ed should be taught at home, by a child's parents that control how, what, and when. While I did educated my children at an early age, I do not promote self exploration (do ya really have to? I mean, I didn't need any nuddging). I don't want some wacky jacky person telling my 10 year old to rub one out. I am just sayin...thankyouverymuch

A letter from My Gina (long i)

2010-02-10T11:02:00.001-05:00

So yesterday I surfed on over to one of my favorite bloggers site…

If you have not been to her site, please go. I promise you, it is really funny shit. While there I read her wickedly funny post that she did for her Vagina Montaloges. I am a bandwagon kinda girl so I wrote my very own Vagina Montalouge. Without further ado…A letter from My Gina (long i)

Dear April-

We have know each other since pretty much the beginning of time, and have been together through thick and thin and long and short (remeber the dude that was thin and short? such a disappointment). I was there the first time we went to the crotch doc. I must say, I took the brunt of that visit. You allowed that asshole to shove metal salad spoons into me and crank me open. This was mentally scaring for me, but I forgave you. I was also the one that was injured during your first sexual encounter. Literally being ripped open. So not cool, but I forgave you.

I am the one that gets cotton wads on a string shoved inside of me every month…but do I complain? No. It is all about your comfort, I understand. I am the one that stood inside you during your “Girl Gone Wild” phase after your divorce. I must say you did lower your standards of what ~~total dumb ass~~ loser men that were allowed to enter my domain. I supported you. I understood that you were not really the ~~whore~~ person that you were appearing to be, so I just said a nightly prayer for us ~~and lathered myself in antibacterial hand sanitizer.~~

I have to thank you though for not making me squeeze your keg headed kids out. (HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF THOSE KIDS HEADS?) I guess I should really be thanking your first keg headed spawn. He is the one that got the ball rolling by refusing to drop down into your pelvis, thus making the c-section zipper possible. I knew when you ran your mouth about having a VBAC you were just spewing shit. You are way too much of a control freak to actually wait to go into labor. You are also impatient so there is no way that you would wait out the labor process. As soon as that doctor said he was going to schedule the c-section with the 2nd keg head you climbed up on his desk and said “Take this baby now Big Daddy”. Ha! You thought I forgot didn’t you?! Well I have not. I have much dirt on you bitch.

That brings me to this letter. It has been brought to my attention that you were reading online the other day about kegals. We have discussed this before. You are not going to squeeze me in and out and make me exercise until you get off your fat ass and lose 100 pounds. That is it! I put my clit down! It is not fair that you get to eat whatever and never exercise, but then expect me to exercise. Guess what fat ass, I am not the issue! The issue is you won’t stop eating junk food and you won’t get of your ass. What is making me exercise going to prove? Are you going to pull down your pants and say “I might be a fat ass but I got a rocking twat”! Get a clue, that is not very impressive. Are you entering some kinda pussy Olympics?

You must stop this madness immediately. Take this as your final warning. If you insist on this I reserve the right to do the following:

Queff the National Anthem.

Make next months tampon insertion very uncomfortable.

Take on a very nasty odor.

Itch, itch baby.

Make sex very unenjoyable for you and the dear Hubs.

You do understand that I am a muscle? Have you every heard the words "Charlie Horse". (Stand up and hop outta of that one! Hooker!)

I do not want to do these things. You have keegled me to this point. Cease and desist immediately. Please do not let this ruin our relationship. I love you to death.

Love-

Gina (with a long I)

Post It Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-02-08T23:59:00.003-05:00

I am jumpin on the bandwagon baby! However, true to form, I can't seem to get it all on one little sticky. I will try better next time.......Brought to you by:

Another Potty Post- Phone Etiquette

2010-02-08T09:00:00.001-05:00

When I was 15 years old I received the most awesome Christmas present. A cordless phone. I will never forget opening that box and getting so excited that I wanted to piss all over myself like a little puppy. It was an ATT white cordless phone with a retractable metal antenna. It represented freedom. No longer did I have to try to stretch the phone cord across the house while trying to clean before my mom got home from work. I could walk and talk. Wash dishes and talk. Chase after my bad ass little brother and talk. I did not have to stop my teenager jibber jabber for anything…even going to the bathroom.

Going to the potty while on the phone, it is an art. To know how to turn on fans or run water at just the right time so the person on the other end will never know that you have included them in your most private moment. When you are a kid it is no big deal. Most of the time my friends and I would laugh about “your going to the bathroom with me”. The problem comes in when you get a little older and take non friends with you to the pot.

This is just what happened to me several time. I was on the phone with the cable company and I went into labor (if you have not read my terms for going potty click here). My contractions were getting closer and closer and I knew that deliver was emanate. However, I was on hold. I had been on hold for quite some time and I did not want to loose my place in line. So I took the cable company with me to the potty. I did not think that it would be a huge deal. I figured that my shit baby would be delivered before they actually answered the phone.

I was wrong.

This particular baby was a difficult delivery. It demanded a lot of concentration and some of the breathing techniques that I learned in my real child birth classes (That has really came in handy during shit baby births. I did not need it for my actual childbirths since I had c-sections with all 3. I still think it was $150 well spent) .

Cable Person: Thank you for calling G Force cable. Can I help you?

Me: breath-grunt-breath (in deep concentration and did not even hear cable person)

Cable Person: Hello? Can I help you?

Me: (snapped into realization that someone is actually on the line talking to me, however I am in a very critical part of delivery and I just cant get it all together) grunt-umm yeah, my cable is out-breath

Cable Person: What is your phone number?

Me: 593 grunt 2526 breath

Cable Person: Yes, April Celestin?

Me: Yeah, that is me (grunt)

Cable Person: 123 Oak Ln.

Me: (turning on the fan b/c I know that delivery is soon) Yes- big grunt

Cable Person: Yes, I show an outage in your area. We are…

WHAM! I had a 10 pound shit baby and it may not have cried, but everyone knew it had arrived.

Cable Person: Hello? Ma’am

Me: I am here…so, ugh, there is an outage?

Cable Person: yes, we are not sure how long it will take to get your service back up.

Me: Well it is going to be before tonight? Big Brother is on and I do not want to miss it. (yes, I am one of those people)

Cable Person: We have people out working on it right…

**FLUSH** (Y’all didn’t expect for me to sit on the pot all day did ya?)

Me: Umm, ok

Cable Person: Can I help you with anything else today? (like wiping your ass you freak that shits while on the phone doing business)

Me: No, that’s all

Cable Person: Thank you for selecting G-Force (and taking a dump while we were on the phone your gross ass). Have a nice day (since you have ruined mine).

I would love to tell you that this was made up, but it was not. I would like to tell you that this is the one and only time that I have ever been caught in such a situation, but it is not. I will tell you that I have taught my children better phone etiquette.

About 2 months ago my son was in the garage listening to his stereo. He came barreling into the house and took off to the bathroom. You must understand that everyone in my family holds it until the very last possible minute. He had the stereo blaring The Jackson 5’s Rockin Robin. When he came back past me I asked him why he had the stereo blaring if he was not out there. Simple. He was on the phone and he needed to go to the bathroom so he asked his friend what he wanted to listen to while he was gone and basically played his friend some “hold while I poop music“.

Such a considerate child!

WHO DAT!

2010-02-07T22:53:00.000-05:00

"Who dat? Who dat? Who dat say dey gunna beat them Saints?

Why I hate the NFL

2010-02-07T11:31:00.000-05:00

On this the day of the Super Bowl, I have decided to blah blah about the NFL. This is a veering from my normal mommy blah blah, so if you don't like sports...sorry.

I am not an NFL fan. I love football, hate the NFL. In my opinion the NFL is a big, bad corrupt corporate machine. One that cranks out billions of dollars each year. They are much like our government, they don’t give a damn about their constituents (fans). If they did, a family of 4 would not have to take out a loan to attend a game. They also would put morality clauses in the contracts so when I go plop down $100 for an NFL officially licensed jersey, I will not have to have fear that dudes name that is on the back will not be involved in a pistol whipping outside the local titty club. Do they not think that these people should act some what responsible. I don't drink all of the "role model" kool aid, but I damn sure dont want to have a persons name on my back that beat the hell out of his wife.

I have a rule that I just don't watch. I don't buy the merchandise. I do not support the insanity.

This year my rule was broken. This year I have actually watched many games in support of the New Orleans Saints. I love Louisiana. I love New Orleans. This is their year. What a great thing for the state and also for this wonderful city. The city of NO has been through so much in the last 4 years. It is time for them to have something. It is time for them to have a Super Bowl championship.

But here comes the big bad NFL wanting to piss all over their parade. Just like the government after Katrina, they are fucking over the people of NO. All I have heard out of NFL commentators for the last 2 weeks is how the Saints play "dirty". WTF does that mean? Last time I checked there are rules to this game and there are little men in black and white uniforms out on the field to make sure that the rules are followed.

They "beat down Farve", they had late hits and were playing a defense that was out to get him. Well DUH! I do not proclaim to be the brightest light bulb, but even my 10 year old will tell you that the defense has 3 main goals while on the field. 1. Hold the line. 2. Get the ball. 3. Take out the quarterback. If you have a shot at the quarterback you put every bit of might that you have behind that blow. I don't know what kinda patty cake football these NFL commentators think the Saints should be playing.

If they are not talking about how dirty the Saints are they go into Manning Worship. I had no idea that the NFL had football porn. Apparently they do because the NFL commernators sit around and watch Colts highlights and all have one big circle jerk to the great Peyton Manning. I must say that I like Peyton Manning and if the Colts were not playing the Saints I would be pulling for them. He is a LA boy, and I have a thing for all that comes from LA. Also, let's face it. Manning is the Colts. They are shit without him. Common sense would say that the Saints need to try to get him out.

Then they did it. The NFL decided to act like total fools and send cease and desist orders to all of the shop owners in the French Quarter. They apparently think that they have a trade mark on the phrase "Who Dat?" and the Fleur de lis. ARE THEY FUCKING INSANE?

Yes they are. I believe that they need to research the origin of the phrase "Who Dat?" . If they did, they would see that the phrase originated from Southern University. They also need to wikapedia the origin of the fleur de lis. They would then see that is a symbol from hundreds of years ago and has been used in many countries, including France. The fleur de lis is associated with French settled areas of the country. Speaking of which, would include Louisiana and New Orleans. These symbols have been in place for years, but the NFL did not care about it until the Saints started playing well and got a shot in the big show. I don't see them trying to tell the Colts fans that they can not use horse shoes.

Let me introduce you to my Cajun friends...

You do not fuck with Southern people. You really don't fuck with Cajuns. They are crazy as hell. If you fuck with a Cajun you get one of two things. Fed to the gators or a bad gree gree on your ass. Not a good thing for the person that gave them a "chew rouge". I am guessing that many of the NFL top executives are now walking around with constant ball itch. If they take a trip to LA anytime soon, they might meet a gator named Big Mama.

The NFL also under estimates the savvyness of these cooyons. Apparently none of these people have never visited the the Quarter. They have no idea how much boot legged shit is sold down there. The also don’t realize that Cajuns don’t get even, they get ahead. I am sure that there will be some shirts sporting the following logo:

My adventure in being a pageant mom

2010-02-04T16:11:00.002-05:00

I will shamefully admit that I have fallen into this "pageant mom" trap. Think that most mothers of little girls has at least thought about entering their little darling baby into a pageant...for fun. When you read this, please remember that I was much younger, and was very stupid. Well, I am here to tell you it is not fun. Not fun at all.

When Ansley was 11 months old i entered her into a local pageant. I knew nothing about pageants. NOTHING. I decided to get my beautiful belle a "Little Dolly" dress. For those of you that do not know what that is click here. They are very popular in the south, and looking back...very hideous. I selected the "southern belle" in white with royal blue bows. It looked tacky. However, to me...it looked adorable. I also had to purchase a crinoline slip. You know...to make it poofy. I thought I was super dooper crafty and I made my little dolly a head piece. See, Ansley had no hair. She did not get hair until she was well over 2 years old. I figured my mad crafting skills would make up for that little issue. You know...blind them with fake flowers.

Everything was rocking along great until my next door neighbor came over and gave me some "tips". I HAD to have white shoes with brown bottoms. Had to. It was like a mortal sin for you to put any other color on your child's feet. That was like an automatic 100 point deduction and I think they cut off a finger or something after the pageant. I also had to have "pageant socks". These hideously fugly socks that were all frilly and practly covered up the child's must be white with brown bottom shoes.

I went into a mini melt down panic. I mean, here I was with the most beautiful child that was sure to win and just because I am a total pageant ingnoramoose she will loose. I can't let that happen! So off to hunt white shoes in September I went. There is another thing that you must know about southern women. We take the no white before Easter or after Labor day very seriously. We will talk mad shit about your ass if you where white sandals in October, even though it is hot enough to wear them well into November where I live. Needless to say, trying to find these shoes are like looking for a needle in a haystack. (This was my non internet years, now I could find a pair in 3 minutes and have them shipped over night). 23 stores later, I found a pair of shoes for my little beauty queen. Thank you! Finding the socks was easy peezy, and I must say that they looked smashing with her super hideous frilly dress.

As time drew near I was getting more and more excited. My little girl was going to be in (win) her very first pageant. Ansley started walking at 9 months, so she could get around pretty good at this point. Her age division was babies from 0-12 months. I decided that she would stand out more if she could walk. So every day i tortured myself and my baby girl with walking practice. Yes, I made her walk around the living room 50 times a day, stopping at imaginary marks. I was a freak. We had perfected our little strut. I was even more confident that we would take the crown.

The big day came. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. We arrived at the event at our assigned time. Boy, I was not prepared to enter that lions den. There were women everywhere. Not smiling happy women. Mean, nasty, scowling looking women. Women that look like they will eat you up and spit you out. I seriously got a little frightened. People were fighting over light sockets...FIGHTING. Everyone was looking for that super spot where they could plug in all of there heated essentials for making their child look beautiful. I did not have that need since my kid had no hair. That did not stop them from shoving and acting like dumbasses.

I found a little corner and dresses my baby. She did look like a little southern belle. Too beautiful for words. From the top of her fake flower head all the way down to her brown bottom shoes, she was totally cute. I just knew, she was the one...I mean hello...she is beautiful.

So then we wait. And wait. And wait some more. We were waiting in line in a tinky tiny hall. Mamas and babies. It was so very strange. I have been in many social situations with children and parents and inevitably people start talking. It is like a rule, if you are around other folks with kids...you talk. Not here. We were all silent. It was freakishly quiet. You knew that the other mothers were sizing up your child. That is just weird. I am not going to lie. I was in on it also. Trying to figure out who was going to take second to my beautiful child.

OMG it was so freaking hot. I was sweating buck shots down the crack of my ass. All the while trying to clam my increasingly getting pissed off child. 11 months old, mobile, in a hall with a bunch of moms and other babies = shitty time. FYI. Especially when no one is talking to each other. Finally, the damn thing started.

A lady that was working for the pageant came to all the mother and instructed how to hold your baby so that they may see the dress and all that jazz. I smuggly stated to her that I was going to allow Ansley to walk. She looked at me like I was insane. She tried to talk me into just holding her, but no...I am a stubborn ass.

The time had come for our grand entrance. We had to walk to 3 marks on the stage. We had this. I just knew it in my bones. I took a deep breath and away we went. We got to the first mark. Ok. We were doing good. I was holding her hand guiding her over to the next mark (in front of the judges table). She was as cute as she could be. All of a sudden I hear laughing. Laughing? Is my little adorable sweetie blowing kisses or doing something totally rocking because she knows she is the bomb. Think again. I look down and she is hobbling. I look back and one of her damn white shoes with brown bottoms has came off. SHIT!!!!!!!! What the hell am I suppose to do? Go back? Keep going? Shit! So I just keep going.

We keep walking to the judges table and there is more laughter. Fuck me. Did her other shoe come off? No. She reached up and pulled out her halo of fake flowers. Great...just great. We get to the judges table and I just seriously want to fling myself of the floor and beg for mercy for my beautiful little girl. I mean look at her...in a hideous dress, one shoe on one shoe off (but they are white with brown bottoms damn it) and her halo of flowers in her hand. I had to look like I had been rode hard and put up wet at this point. We were a pair.

I we limped back to our stranded shoe and picked up what was left of our dignity and walked off stage. Somewhere in my delusional mind I thought we might still win (yea I am fracking nuts). I mean, it was a beauty pageant, my kids is beautiful. So what if we had some small wardrobe malfunctions. We were still the bomb. I am going to spare you what I was thinking about the competition at this point. I mean all I can claim is total insanity and everything I was thinking was not true. All of the little girls in this pageant were friggin adorable. Something about putting yourself in a competitive situations like this make you really, really mean. I can not imagine how the mothers that have spent mega money feel. I was in for about $150 bucks and that made me stupid crazy. If I had spend thousands I believe I would be beyond insane crazy.

Anyway, crowning time came and my daughter did not win. I would like to say that I lost gracefully, but I didn't. I was pissy because this judge knew this person, or that person did this. I was madder then a wet hen. I got over it. We collected our little participant trophy and left the building.

Looking back now, I am so very glad that Ansley did not win. That would have just blew my head up bigger. Then I would have spent more money and entered one of these glitz pageants that are seen on Toddlers and Tiaras. I totally could have been sucked in. The fact is that all little girls are dolls. Pageants are about the money that you spend. The extremes that some parents will go to be able to have a chance to win are crazy. The amount of money spent is gluttonous. It is not about making bonds. Hell, the kids don't even talk or socialize. What are they really getting out of all of it.

I am not judging these mothers. I for a brief moment was one of them. Not to their extreme, but one of them just the same. I just hope that for every dollar they are putting into pageants they are putting 2 in a college fund so that they will also teach their daughters that it is important to be as smart as your are pretty.

**********I will post pics of Ansley's pageant in the next few days. Hopefully, we will be getting a scanner so I can show yall some old school stuff.*******************

I am still sucking ass

2010-02-03T20:34:00.002-05:00

Dear Bloggy Friends-
I am very sorry for sucking ass when it comes to keeping my blog updated. I promise you that I have not killed my family and that is why I no longer have any material to write about. I was thinking/ am thinking about starting a business. That has ate up a lot of my time the last 2 weeks. I have missed blogging and maybe if I would have kept it up I would not be near as stressed out as I am now. Anyway, take this as my appolgy...please. I am thinking about going big time and buying my own domain name so I don't have the blogspot.com in my id. I will be around a lot more. If I am not here tomorrow you have permission to come in the bathroom and get me off the potty!

Love,
April...the mommy on the potty

Bueller...Bueller...Bueller

2010-01-22T01:18:00.002-05:00

Yea! I am totally sucking ass in the blogging department. I have plenty to blog about...I just have not pried myself away from the TV known as "shit hole" . I shall be back in the next few days to spew my great wisdom (bullshit)...ta ta 4 now!

Vacation Memory...Dumb Ass, Drag Queens and ACDC

2010-01-11T13:34:00.001-05:00

I went over to Stir Fry and she had an awesome post today, so I figured I would copy and tell you about an interesting vacation that I have had.

Let's flip back the pages to the summer of 2002. Matt was 3. Ans was 18 months, and I was married to a dumb ass. Now when I say dumb ass, I mean DUMB ASS. I do not have the time, nor energy to explain why in the fuck I married such an idiot. I just did. I got 2 kids outta the deal. For that I am thankful.

My parents invited us to go with them to Daytona for a week. That was a great treat for us since I was a SAHM and DA did not make that much moola. Us getting to go on any kind of vacation was awesome (well as awesome as it can be married to a DA).

We did the beach and hit a dolphin experience dealy. We also went to the Meca of motor sports racing, Dayton International Speedway. I was totally stoked going there because I *was a huge NASCAR fan at the time.

One day my mother, who has a wicked sense of humor, came to me and pointed out a bar across the street from the condo. I was like big flappin deal. Oh no...this was a special bar.

Let me stop here and tell you that I love gay people. Love them. I guess it is their flamboyance, or flair. I don't know, but I would love to have a gay bestie. I have asked Dean where I might find a gay to hang with. He was no help. I came up with the idea to go to online dating sites and search men seeking men in my area. I am just not quite sure if that will work. I mean what would I say?
"Hi! I totally don't have the parts your are interested in, but I am looking for a BGFF. Are you interested?"
Yeah, I don't think that will work. My mom's bff was a gay. Unfortunately he passed. Damn him, he totally could have been my hook up. (This is all in jest people! I don't really damn him, but I am pissed he died).

Anyway, this bar was a gay bar. Who friggin cool is that? Well, wicked mother had a plan. She said I should take DA and not necessarily tell him anything other than it was a bar.
Holy shit bombs! What a fantastic idea!
I guess I should give you a little back ground on DA. You already know he is a DA. He is very judgmental and defiantly homophobic. He and I had never been to a bar together. I have never seen him drink. Yeah! Good times!
So I talk him into going. (Lord, as I write this story I am sure that I will be going to hell). We walk in and I about dropped my teeth! There were all these TVs all over the place that were playing videos of shirtles hard bodied men rubbing all over each other! It was fabulous! I could hardly contain my giggles as DA was getting checked out!!!! I have to stop here and tell you we did stick out like a sore thumb! We were defiantly the "straight" couple.
Other then the TV gyrations there was no actual dancing going on. Damn. (It had not dawned on DA that this was an alternative club). We order drinks, coke...how boring, and bellied up to the rail around the dance floor. No one was dancing, but we had great seats for the
DRAG SHOW!!!!!!!
Oh my! I about hyper ventilated when dude (do I call him a dude if he is way prettier then most women I know) came out in full drag! Hyper ventilated and shit in my pants! This guy was beautiful. Words can not describe the awe I was in. I had never seen a real live Queen before. It rocked!!!
In all my wonder I did not think to look at DA. A few minutes into the act he leans over and says "Is that a guy?"
OMFG! As if this could not get any better, it does!
I seriously thought I was going to piss in my pants. I just sat there and laughed. I did not even look at DA again for fear that I would piss in my pants.
So we sat through the first act deal and then it came time for an intermission. This older guy comes and bellies up on the other side of DA. He looked harmless. Like he was just as lost as DA was at this point. He starts talking to DA.

It was meaningless chit chat. I was not even paying much attention until dude asked if we came to places like this often. (Ears perked up). DA told him no, actually we have never been to a bar. Ok. Please let this man know that we are straight and are not looking for a good time.
Dude keeps talking. Then he jokes that we stick out as the token "straight" couple. Oh shit. Little bit more talking. Dude asks where we are staying.
Let me stop here and say DA has diarrhea of the mouth. He also would talk to a lamp post. He told our whole life story to this guy. I was sitting there about to die!

Then the guy said "I like AC/DC, do you?"

OMG! OMG! OMG!
DA said "Yeah, their great!"

Fuck me!!! No wait! Not FUCK ME! Shit!

I stood up and said "No the hell you don't! Let's go!".

DA just sat there. For a split second I thought about leaving his ass there. "We have got to go! I am worried about the baby."

He scoffed at me. I was pissing him off. He and his new friend were starting to talk about music. That was right up his alley.

"No, we really have to leave". I started to back away. He finally agreed and as soon as we got outside he started bitching.

"You Dumb Ass! He was not asking about the group ACDC! He was asking about you sexual preferences!".
Then it took me 20 minutes to explain the AC/DC electric current thing and how that was a metaphor for being bisexual. I told yall he was a dumb ass.

I am just glad to say that he is someone elses problem now! LOL

Family Sunday and AWARDS!!!!!!!!!!

2010-01-11T00:33:00.003-05:00

Yea! Family Sunday is Back! This is the first Family Sunday of the New Year. The big kids were gone for 9 days after Christmas so I decided not to post about Dean and I sitting around in sweats looking at each other.

Not that this weekend was much different. The kids were gone...again. This is the thing I hate the worst about Christmas holidays. They are gone, then some how the following weekend they go back? It always works like that. Then we have Matt's birthday next weekend so I will be super busy. Good thing is that Friday and Monday next week are out days at school, so we will have an extended weekend. Thank God because I am going to need it for everything we have planned! Yikes!

This weekend was very low key. We did not even leave the house. It was too damn cold. I know that all my friends in the north are thinking I am a whiney ass, and I am. I have always said that I would love to live up north, but not so much right now. These 20's are getting to me. I would become a hermit if I lived in the north. I have not left this house since Tuesday when we took LC to the Doc for a well baby check. I have no plans of leaving again, but I have to pick up the kids at school tomorrow, so I guess I will.

The kids came home and immediately we have to have our Wii Championship dealy. Matt was the reigning champ (acquired on Friday). Dean and Ansley battled out and Dean became #1 contender for the belt. We have a long complex list of rules. Rules that my son often begs the commissioner (Me) to bend in his favor. When I tell you this family is cut throat, you really have no idea. We can make ANYTHING a competition. So Dean beat Matt. Got the belt back. Time for contender matches again. Well I decided I wanted to play and not just comish. My Ans LAUGHED and said that "Mama has never had the belt". Like it was insane that I would even think that I could beat any of them. Haha! I promptly beat her little ass and then whipped Matts ass so who is the #1 contender for the belt?? That would be ME!

We did not have time to finish the final match (Dean and I for the belt) because it was time for me to cook. Tomorrow...it is on! I want to win just to shut their little asses up. See, that is how I work. I don't want something really bad until someone tells me I CAN'T do it. Then it is all about me showing I can. I will let y'all know tomorrow how that all works out for me...fingers X.

We had pancakes for supper. LC ate them up. We have the ridges of one tooth that popped through on Saturday night. That girl is so ready to eat!

The kids were super wild tonight (that is how it rolls when they come home) and LC joined in on the fun. They were all acting like crazy asses. Matt made the mistake of rolling his eyes at me...that is like a HUGE rule in my house. No one rolls there eyes at me. No one. Ask Dean. He did it one time. It was a good thing he was driving or I would have poked his eyes out.

So naturally I have to think of a super pain in the ass punishment. Listen up mommies. The best punishment you can give a kid is one that they think that they will not mind doing. Kinda like facing the door, putting your nose on the door and singing. Matt was in hog heaven. Until Dean changed it up and made him recite time tables. 1-12 baby. He was pissed. I don't think that he will be rolling is eye balls at me again any time soon :)

That is about it for my Sunday. Next week will be much more exciting!!!

Now for my award!!!

Ruby @ Growing up Blackxican...

Great blog! Great Mommy! Great ideas!! Love it! Love how much she love her family!!!

gave me the Beautiful Blogger Award

I love this award because it came from a blogger that I also think is a beautiful blogger!

So there are some rulies attached to accepting this award. First 7 things about me...

1. I am left handed.
2. I had my first child at 22. (Well almost).
3. I have never broken a bone. Surprising since I am soooo clumsy.
4. I hate chocolate. Except when Flo is visiting.
5. I totally believe in ghosts.
6. I love, love, love to play poker. I am normally very under estimated, and win.
7. I am not a morning person. Not. at. all. Do not speak to me until I speak to you grumpy.

Now the best/hardest part. I have to award this to 7 beautiful bloggers. I love and hate this at the same time. I have so many blogs that I love to death. If I leave you off, trust me, it is not because I wanted to...can I change the 7 to 107???

1. Naomi at Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip

2. Dawn at Nicest Meany

3. Karrah at Eggs Don't Bounce

4. Niki at Miss Understood

5. Christie at Baby Tea Leaves

6. Annissa Rae at Moon N Star Mommy

7. Katrina at Kat's Confessions

UGH! That took me soooo long! Seriously! lol

Now enough of all that nice stuff...I will be back to snark away tomorrow!!! Muhhahhhaaa

Today, I am Aunt Becky's Bitch

2010-01-08T17:02:00.002-05:00

Here is the thing. I love Aunt Becky. I love her blog. If you have not been to her blog, you must go...now...I will wait....(elevator music)

Ok, now that you have been you understand why I think that she is full of awesome. You prolly also saw that she is doing a give a way dealy for Amazon. I kinda want that card, but I kinda just want to spread her glory (totally sucking up, come on magic number generator *wink*). As part of this give away I have to do this interview.....so away we go

1) Dave and I have a long-standing feud over cheese in a can. He thinks it’s food of The Gods while I think it’s probably Of The Devil. Your take? DEVIL, the NASTY DEVIL

2) Is there any way you can think of to make the elder Gosselins go away? I AM ALL EARS. I posted yesterday that I wish we could put them in a bubble and they would fly away. Maybe I can contact Balloon Boy's parents and they can give me the hooooooook up! (When they get outta jail and all that jazz).

3) Who is your ridiculous “I can’t admit this to anyone in polite company lest I be banned from life” crush? Well, I am pretty open about my crushes. The most ridiculous one I have is also the man of a lot of women's dreams right now...EDWARD. Yea, I am in love with a fictional 100 something year old teen age vampire. What! lol

4) If you could fuck it all and pursue your dream (assuming, of course, you were going to be GOOD at it), what would that dream be? AHHHHH I just figured this out. Of course I want to be a writer. I mean, yeah I would love to be a play boy bunny and be the next "Girl Next Door" but I am not thinking that they have a market for thirty something, over weight, married mother of 3...but ya never know...there is a fetish market.

5) They say “living well is the best revenge.” I think they are wrong. Do you?
Who is "they" and what are they referring too? If they say "living well" is eating grass and exercising 7 hours a day...not so much. If "living well" is pimpin in a mansion and having shirtless men feed me grapes....hell yeah!.

6) What is the most humiliation you’ve experienced in public that you’d be willing to admit to The Internet?

Lord, I am humiliated on a daily basis. I have 2 snarky ass kids that share all of my secrets. If they let up I have my dear hubs or my brother that will finnish me off.
I guess when Ansley told everyone I was wearing fake hair...only b/c that is the only thing I can think of right off the top of my head.

7) Are you honest with The Internet? Like, if I came over to your house tonight (heh)(I’m coming over, yo)(heh) would I be surprised at who I found?

Not so much. I let it all hang out.

8 ) If you could have one talent that you don’t currently possess, what would it be?
I want to be Jeanie from I Dream of Jeanie. Then I can blink up what ever I wanted (like a maid and a chef).

9) There’s not always room for Jello. Is there? Yes...but not so much orange.

10) What’s your guiltiest of the guilty pleasures?

Reading AB blog of course! (over at Toy With Me)

As if this woman wasn't scary enough...

2010-01-08T10:00:00.000-05:00

Have y'all seen this crap? She is SCARY! Can you imagine what here babies are thinking?

"Holy shit! What has this wacked out bitch done to her face now?!"

I am all for a good beauty regimen, but come the fuck on. Did she not think that the paparazzi would not catch her in all this glory? Hell yeah! I guess she was not getting enough press time so she decided that she needed to spice things up and come out in Grinch face.

Nice! What and idiot. If I had 14 kids I prolly would not even have time to wipe my butt more or less smear that crap on my face. I love her Abominable slippers. I wonder if she swiped them off of her older kids?

I wish that she would get in the bubble with Jon and Kate and float away.

I am Giving an Award to.......Stir-Fry Awsomeness

2010-01-07T22:49:00.003-05:00

I have decided that since I am full of the awesome (or crap, which ever you prefer to call it) I am starting a new award. This is the PIMP Award. PEE IN MY PANTS Funny! I must say that I have SEVERAL mommy bloggers that make me PIMP, but I have narrowed it to one and only one this week. I think that if this catches on I will give it out every Friday.

Anyway----- Week 1 goes to Stir Fry Awesomeness, well ...because she is awesome and her Horton post made me PIMP. Please check her bloggy out

I am not good with rules and all that junk that comes with awards. I just say that if you want to pass it go for it! If someone finds a post and wants to award this, go for it! I only ask that you send me the linky so I can PIMP also!!

UGH! Enough of these people already!

2010-01-07T12:32:00.003-05:00

Here I was thinking that the new year would be Jon and Kate free. Wrong. These total dumb asses have divorced and canceled their show so why are they still front page news...

KATE GETS HAIR EXTENSIONS....WOOO FUCKING WHOOOOO!

I could really give a shit less if Katie does a Britney and shave that shit off. Why is she on the cover of PEOPLE? She has been on the cover of that magazine more in the last 5 months then Brad Pitt has had sexiest man of the year. Well, not really, but it damn seems like it. I am all for getting on and feeling better for yourself after a divorce, especially when you were married to a douche like Jon, but damn it do you have to grace the fucking cover of every fucking magazine to to this? We all know you got some new puppies, we saw them falling out of your bathing suit last summer. She is a narcissist. Totally.

JONNY IS BEING COCK BLOCKED!!! PPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

So this prick head was getting $10 GRAND for public appearances. WTF! I would not give is asshole $10 fucking bucks to shine my shoes. Who the hell wants to party with someone who's rise to fame included wacking off in a cup? Then acting like a total pansy on TV. I use to like Jon, but he is way caught up now!
Ha! But the judge totally cock blocked his ass. TLC is suing him for breach of contract since he had the kiddies removed from the show and thrown off this land. I get TLC's point. They had $ invested. I am not saying I am for or against the kids being on TV (I am against, against, against when you have dumb fucks for parents) but dude was totally just doing it to be a dick. WELLLLL, Karma baby got his ass by the balls. TLC put in an injunction for him to stop doing public appearances for moola because they had built up the show as a "whole some family show" and that just will not fly when Johnny is doing body shots off of half dressed co eds. Sigh. I wonder how he will make his child support payments...oh wait he has a date with Octo Mom! Dude, can I be your manager?

I think these people deserve each other. They better be glad I am not the judge. I would order the cameras off, accounts frozen, and they have to remain married and living together for one year until I would grant the divorce. She needs to be knocked off her virtual pedestal and fire who ever is in charge of the helium that is inflating her head. He needs to put on a chastity belt and get back to being the good father he once was.

Please excuse my fat ass...

2010-01-06T20:45:00.000-05:00

I don't know if I am an emotional snark today because my sweet aunt (see post below) is visiting or I am just having the POMs (Poor Ole Mes) because I have super sized my ass to another zip code. I am like Eeyore today, except really pissed. Could yall imagine Eeyore pissed? O my.

"Hey Eeyore, what's wrong"

"You wanta know what's wrong? I am a fat ass purple donkey with a fucking pin on tail. Why don't you go put that in your honey pot and sit on it. And while your at it get that fucking tiger off red bull and speed".

Yeah, I don't know where the hell that came from. Back to my original post.

Last night was the premier of NBCs The Biggest Loser. I tend to avoid this show b/c it make me feel even more like a fat ass to watch it and eat a huge bowl of ice cream. However, in the wake of the new year and my new goals, I have decided that it might keep me on track. If no other time, but when the actual show is on.

While watching last nights show I was periodically checking in with my face book peeps. Why? Well, I am addicted. Several other people must have this addiction because we all were posting about TBL.

If you don't watch TBL I will give you a little recap of the first part of the show last night. They have 11 teams of people that are related. Brothers, mothers and sons, mothers and daughters...you get the drift. Well in past TBL they would go to the "ranch" and weigh in for the first time. The teams had to weigh in at their home towns in front of a lot of people. While this may not seem like a big deal since the weigh in will be on national tv anyway, it is. See, normally by the time the show airs the contestants are well on their weight loss journey to never return to that old version of them self. They had to confront their demons right there in their town with people all around. Brave shit if you ask me!

Well apparently not to everyone! A chick that I went to HS with posted this as a status (actual status).

Biggest loser is on! Could you imagine getting on a scale in front of your whole town? Yesterday at 9:05pm - via Face book for iPhone

So yeah! This is cool. Several people posted how they would be appalled, yada yada yada. Then this stupid uber bitch that I also went to HS with posted this: (actual post, but I changed her name)

Total sucky ass bitch at 9:14pm yesterdayno, but i guess if you're that big everyone already has a guess as to how much you weigh. It's not like you can hide 300 pouds

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
If I could virtually bitch slap this mean girl I totally would, twice.

I wonder if everyone can look at her and tell that she is a t total bitch?

Ugh! Reading that over again just pisses me off. Does she think theses people chose to wake up in the morning and be 300 pounds? FHI (for her info) I too am one of these fatties. I do not wish to be this way. I have been this way since I was a little girl.

I sure hope this chicky does not meet my good friend Karma. I bet Karma has big fat plans for this bitch.

NBC, a new show idea...The Biggest Dumbass.

Karma and Flo...2 bad ass super bitches

2010-01-06T10:41:00.000-05:00

...That the bitch finally kills me!

Wait! You say! Who is trying to kill the mama on the potty?

That fucking bitch Flo! If you have been a long time reader (the whole 2 months) of my blog you will know that I have a hate/hate relationship with my very bitchy relative that comes to visit every month. I hate her. I mean I really would like to just totally kick her ass.

Every single month it gets worse and worse. Be careful my snarky friends that are reading this thinking "What a freakin whiney baby". I was you and you will be me. I use to talk MAD SHIT about women that whined every month. I could not believe how weak these silly women were. Surly they were just all fat, lazy asses that wanted to take a day off from life. Snark, Snark.

Then I met my new friend (totally more like a frienemy) Karma. Oh my friend Karma is truly the queen of smartass snarkinest. She had perfected "Come back to bite you in the ass".

Now, this is where I live. Every 28 days. Like clockwork. That bitch Flo must love the hell outta me, or not. I uncovered her evil plans a few months ago.

I had been telling Dean every month that I was bleeding to death. He just did his obligatory pat on the head and told me that I was not going to die. Well, we went a few days later to give blood. I filled out paperwork, sat around, answered questions, sat around and then when I was almost to the chair the chick checked my hemoglobin. Too low. She checked it again, too low. WTF! I have not had issues with my hemoglobin since I was pg with Matt. Then she asked if I was on.

What? My mind was racing. "On". WTF does that mean? Ooooohhhh! Light Bulb! Yes! Yes! I was "on" my period. She then told me that sometime that happens and to try back in a couple of weeks.

Whew! As I stepped out of the blood mobile I felt relieved that I did not have to figure out what I might be dying from. It was just that ole bitch Flo. That is when it dawned on me! That fucking bitch is trying to kill me!

I got in the van and Dean was surprised it did not take too long (he was waiting with LC). I looked him square in the face and said "I told you that bitch was trying to kill me!". He was a little confused until I explained. I have to admit he is good about this new Flo. When we got married, I barley mentioned when she would come. Now, it is a huge announcement...in the days leading up to her arrival. (FYI I totally blame this bitch for the "eating out of the trash" incident the other day).

This morning I was laying in bed on my dingle berry (totally my new name for my shitty black berry. FYI that is where I am posting from now since I am in so much pain) and he asked me what I was doing.

Me: Trying to figure out if I remove my uterus and I die will that be suicide.

D: Contemplating at home surgery again.

Me: Yep! It can't feel any worse!

(Yes I have thought about at home surgery. But that is another post for another day. Today is all about me whining).

Ok Karma! I get it! I am a bad bitch. I need to be nicer and stop talking about people (I am sure that is not going to happen, but I know that I NEED to). I understand that I am not friggin perfect, even though I do a damn convincing job. So, please I beg...call off your dog! Make Flo be nice! If she kills me you can not sit back and laugh at me when you give me chin hair, or my children act a fool like I did when I was a kid. Think about all the fun you will be missing out on. I am much more useful to you a live then dead.

Anyway, since my super wonderful aunt (see how sweet I can be) will be here visiting today, and she loves for us to lay in the bed. I will be reading blogs from my phone. Boo b/c on most sites I can't comment. Hopefully this post will get to Karma soon and she will allow Flo to let me up so I can get some things accomplished. I hope she does not have an in with Santa. That bastard has way too much shit on me!

My letter Atlanta

2010-01-05T19:12:00.003-05:00

Dear Atlanta Visitors Bureau-

I recently came though your fair city on a trip to visit my family in Arkansas. This was not my first trip through Atlanta. I live a mear 2 1/2 hours away and can get there in a jiffy. On the way to your city I was thinking to myself "Why don't we do this more often? We live so very close and Atlanta has huge cultural and learning opportunities for our kids. It is a super easy drive and a very easy day trip. Yes, we must do this in the new year". Then we hit your super sonic crazy ass interstate going through town. *OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS!

I must say that the drivers in your city are rather aggressive. I don't think this is a nastiness (I mean we are all from the south, so to be sure all of your citizens are purdy friendly). I think it is out of pure necessity. If you don't stick your dick out there, you will get killed. KILLED... Splat...Dead...Kinda like when Wild E Coyote would chase the road runner.

Apparently you have noticed this because as we drove we saw all kinds of signs for GAs new "Super Speeder" laws. Naturally, I was curious what exactly a "super speeder" was so I googled it on my black berry. I must say that this law is very interesting and I am wondering if you are hiring more popo to write tickets. I mean 85 on I20 is like walking the dog on a sunny spring day. If you go below 75 the car behind you is examining what you have in your back seat. I am also wondering if the name of this new law is a great fit. I mean, some people will take this on as a challenge. Like they will get a gold star along with their extra $200 fine. Hey! Maybe that is an idea! You can give all the super speeders huge gold stars so that we all know to stay the fuck away from them.

The trip on the way to Arkansas was not that bad because we were going through your city at 7am. On the way back was a horse of a different color. Have any of you actually traveled on this road. I mean really! It is like the final lap of a NASCAR race and let me tell you I think that several of your citizens believe in the term "Rubbin's Racing". I think my car has a few war stripes, I know my under ware do! (FYI I have enclose a bill for those drawers. They were my favorite pair and I totally find y'all responsible).

Now I know I am just a plain ole simple girl from Augusta, and you are prolly thinking "OMG, what a whiney baby!". I know that there are bigger cities and I know that people drive insane in those cities. I guess I just expect a little more from the capitol of the south.

That being said I have a proposition for you. A visitors lane. A lane where only visitors can travel free from fear of being mowed down by the idiot that live in your city. This actually would cost you nothing. All you have to do is convert one of the 12 lanes you currently have. Place strict fines for residents that enter the visitors lane. I can guarantee that your tourism will pick up. That is just plain out hospitality.

In closing, if you have any questions about my visit...or just want to pick my genius brains for other ideas for your city...email me. I have enclosed a few pictures of where I actually shat in my pants. If you choose not to pay me for my drawers, these will be used as evidence.

Your Snarky Tourist,
April
The Mama that thinks on the pot

This blog is going in the pot!

2010-01-04T13:42:00.002-05:00

I have been bloggin for almost 2 months. I have learned a lot of things! Yeah, me and everyone that I have learned from! I want to change up a few things because, well...I can. Actually, I have decided to be what I am...a smart ass. I cuss, I fuss and I love my family more then anything in the world. I am the friend that your husbands will not want you to talk to b/c I dont take shit. I shovled shit for 8 years and I am done with it.

I am snarky and mean. I am sorry if this offends, not intended I am sure. It is just who I am. I have stuff about the 3 Musketeers and The Cheif on here all the time (you know that fluffy mommy crap I post). That is sticking around b/c that,also, is who I am. This blog is my outlet. My kids do not read it, so no DSS calls please.

"Why the heck did you name the blog 'Mama is on the Potty'"?

Well, that is where I get my best thinking done. Normally, it is the only place I can be alone. This is generally where I come up with my blog ideas. I thought it was fittin.

ANYWAY! Here it is! I have a new button, but the old one will still work. I love, love, love comments! I actually know that people are reading and getting my wacked out personality.

I am off now to hump some other blogs!

Will Power...Oh Will Power...Where the hell are you Will Power

2010-01-03T13:06:00.002-05:00

I have been officially up for approximately 1 hour. In that hour I have already done a very bad thing. In my defence...I tried to be good! I got up and ate a bowl of cereal. Not the kind that have cartoon characters on the box either! Yeah me!

Then Deano went to the store to pick up a newspaper (Oh yeah, that is my other new thing for the new year that I neglected to mention because I am totally planning for failure...being way frugal. So naturally, I needed the coupons). While he was gone I decided to pick up a little. I came across a bag of candy. I am not going into full blown description about said candy. If I do, things will just get ugly. My wonderful mother in law gave me this candy for Christmas. If I had of been home the week between Christmas and New Year's that bitch would have been long gone! However, it was starting me in the face.

Do you know how convincing a bag of candy can be. It is like a horny gigolo trying to get into a virgins pants. It starts with one little peck and the next thing you know the virgin is doing things that she did not even know existed, and are prolly very illegal in several states. That is how this bag of candy seduced me. Now I know y'all are saying "Fuck this crazy fat bitch! She knows she had had several rodeos with bags of candy! How do you think her ass got that BIG! Hum! Bag of candy virgin my ass!".

You are very correct! I have had my hay day and screwed my bags of candy in the past. I am not gonna lie...they were all damn good, but I always felt bad about myself the next day...or the next time I looked into a full length mirror. If you read my 2010 post below you will see that I am totally on the reform and this effin bag of candy was waiting. Totally fucking up my goals. The path to hell is paved with good intentions...or toffee treasures as this case may be.

I started of so good! I held the bag of candy in my hand and said "You know I love you. I just can't do this anymore. You are not good for me." The bag of candy just stared back at me with the promises of creamy chocolate and crunchy toffee. Bitch. I opened the bag and said "Fine, one piece and the rest of you are going in the trash." I carefully selected the very best piece for my mouth euphoria. At this point in my story you would think that I unwrapped the piece ever so slowly and savored every yummy chew. Nah, not me. I am like a man with sex when it comes to eating. I just shoved that bitch into my pie hole and chewed it as fast as I could. Was it satisfying? Hell yeah! Did I want more? Hell Yeah! So what do I do?

Throw the bag in the trash! That's right! I threw that bitch in the trash! Yeah me! Umm not really. About 15 minutes later I dug that bitch outta the trash and ate 4 or 5 (8) more pieces. Y'all thought I did good didn't you? Ha! Apparently y'all don't know just how big of a fat ass I am. I am not above diggin in the trash for candy! Right now the remaining candy friends are pushed far down into the trash. I can hear them calling me though. I am ignoring them as I type this.

I need to find this person that I keep hearing people talk about. They say that he is really good when you have vices that you just can't seem to shake. I think his name is Will...Will Power. I have never met him in my whole life, but I hear he can whip my ass in shape and he is actually FREE! No fancy smachy pills that make you shit 100 times a day, or hype you up like a crack whore looking for a hit (although when I took Adapex I got A LOT of shit done!). Apparently, he also works on other things also, not just keeping me for gorging myself from trash can food. He will help me clean my house, and exercise...please Mr. Will Power, be my bestie forever!

Now where did I put his number?

My Decade...and other stuff

2010-01-02T23:43:00.003-05:00

Naturally I am a few days late on my New Year's post. I am sure y'all are use to that by now. I am finally home and my wonderful *COUGH COUGH COUGH* husband pissed me off, so he moved my computer into the house for penance. It was in the garage, and I was freezing my booty off when I would actually get online. He is off this coming week, and this was a on his "honey do" list. My pissed offness just elevated it to the top of the list. So I am happy to say, I am not totally freezing my tooshie off to type this. Yeah!

Anyway....When thinking about my New Year's post I started reflecting on the last 10 years. I have been a busy bitch! I mean BIIIZZZZAAAA! I had a kid already....

10 months into 2000 I had another...

Then I decided I was really sick of the huge piles of horse shit that my ex was dumping on me daily, so I got the big DIVORCE. It was wonderful. People say that divorce is like death...nah. I cry and get really sad when people die. I had an effin party when the divorce papers were signed. That sounds way bitchy. I guess it is, but y'all have no idea what I went through with that relationship. I did not want my children growing up thinking that was the way that families were suppose to function, and how men are suppose to treat women.

So, I had a little wild time. I got a drunk on a few times. I kissed lots of frogs. Basically, did the "wild divorce" thing (not around my kiddies people, no shitty comments). I was totally not looking for a relationship, at all...then

I met him. Fucker, ruined all my fun! JUST KIDDING! I was over all that wild junk as soon as it began. I will admit, I was NOT, NOT, NOT looking for anything. I guess what they say is true, it hits ya when you least expect it. We dated then had my coronation...I mean we got married...and I became his queen...forever... CHECK OUT MY EFFIN CROWN! THATS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!

I picked up some pretty good ole new family members, and lots of new friends... Learned that I really do love Louisiana as much as I thought I did prior to meeting my Cajun husband. Now I am 100% sure that I was from LA in a former life. I am planning on moving there in this life, but that will take some time...

So we were rocking right along and BOOMYA! Here came the Cajun Princess! She was born just in the nick of time to make this decade. Arriving 5 weeks early after one hellasious pregnancy she is absolutely as perfect as her brother and sister. She is the last member of our little family.

Looking back on the last 10 years has made me realize all that God has given me. I am truly thankful for every day that I get to spend with these 4 totally amazing people. We are so grossly happy, I mean like puke, puke, puke happy. Don't get me wrong, we have our share of moments, but we all love each other the way that we are suppose to love each other. Our children get to have parents that love each other and do not fight in front of them. Perfect we are not, but perfect for each other...totally!!!

In the past decade I have lost both grandmothers. My maternal grandmother just passed in May of 2009. Very, very hard. Something that changed who I am and how I look at things. She is actually why I started this blog. I use to talk to her for hour after hour on the phone. She was with me though some very dark times in my life. Often, the posts that I have on here are things that she and I would talk about. I miss her so!

So now we are to present day. Ugh! I hate New Year resolutions. Hate them. It is like setting yourself up for failure and declaring it to the world. I have mulled a lot over in my little pea brain for the past week. I have decided several things...

1. I am going to take my diabetes more seriously. I was very strict while i was pg. I felt I had to be for my daughter that was inside of me. Now that she is out and what I am eating is not directly affecting her I am like WOOOO WHOOOO. Well, party time is over. I have 3 kids that depend on me and even if they are not inside my body does not mean that they need me. Have I known this...yep. I have to get serious. Fast.

2. Find my follow through. I am the master of "great ideas". I just have to find my follow through and stop sabotaging myself. Stop making excuses and setting myself up for failure. Stop letting other peoples opinions of me and who I am stop me from doing what makes me happy.

3. Learn to say NO. I have issues with that word and guilt. Totally going to work on that and being me and doing the things that IIIIIIII want to do.

4. Spend way more time with my children. I do spend more time then some, but they are growing up do friggin fast! I feel like if I do not soak them up now, they will be gone tomorrow.

5. Blog, blog, blog...and blog some more!

So anyway, there you have it. My New Year's post. I know that y'all have been waiting with baited breath. Since I am now back online with my PC, I am planing on having a bloggin hump party tomorrow. I will check yall all out and see what has been up since BEFORE Christmas!

I said the "T" word

2009-12-31T21:31:00.000-05:00

My husband has totally shamed me! In yesterdays post I said the "T" word (Twat). He read my post and said "Oooooh you said a bad word". Mind you not all the F bombs, he says something about the T word.

The story of the T word actually goes back a few months ago. Dean's mother was visiting and she was changing the baby. She said "We have to clean your twat".

What did she just say? I looked at Dean and Dean looked at me...that is what I thought she said! Holy cow! Naturally when we get alone I am all over that like stink on shit.

"Dude! Your mama said TWAT! The only time I have ever heard the word twat uttered is in porn or dirty magazines (Yes, snarky assholes. I have done both! I needed to find out where babies came from. Now I know, so I have no use for that shit).

Dean was beside himself! He has never heard his mama talk like that, and she was talking about the baby to boot! He and I both agreeded that we had not heard that word used in general conversation. Normally it was only said during explicit sexual acts. That word was only one level below the C word that is used to refer to a womans private parts (*I NEVER use the C word! As I am typing this I am not even saying the C word in my head! That is how much I hate that word. If I ever say that word I am beyond pissed).

Well you know my snarky ass. I have to rub it in every chance I get. We would be laying in bed at night and I would say "Your mama said TWA-T (totally emphasizing the T). I love aggravating the hell outta him! Good times. As we talked about it we decided it must not be a bad word for her generation. That is the only thing we can come up with. I mean seriously, his mama is prolly going to be up for Saint hood that is how nice/perfect she is! I guess that is why it caught us so off guard. Well, we certainly have no one else to ask (Lord, I wish my grandmother was alive), so that is the assumption that we are going on. Sigh.

Well see here is the issue. It is not really acceptable now. What are we going to do if she teaches the baby that part is a twat? We say tutu for that part. I have no earthly idea why, but that is what we call it. Kinda silly, but I don't want my 2 year old running around saying vajayjay either. Dean said that if she said it again he would just ask her to call it a tutu.

That brings us to the night before last. She was giving the baby a bath and she said "Let me clean your twatie". All hell that didn't sound bad at all! So I decided if my saint of a mother in law said twat, so could I. Apparently, I didn't clue my hubby in on this revelation prior to him reading my blog yesterday.

Anyway, I am sorry if I offended. If that offended you prolly most of my post from yesterday did and you will never be back anyway. If you are reading to give me a second go round, I have permission to use that word from a very respectable source (M U C H!!! More respectable than I). If you keep reading me everyday, I am sure the T word will be the least of your worries for my soul. Thanks for the prayers!

So, tonight is New Year's Eve. It is 10 o'clock where I live, and I really, really want to be asleep. We drove 13+ hours today (getting up at 4 am). We are too pooped to peeter. We drive up into our beloved driveway and see the best sight in the world, our house...oh how I have missed my house! If it were not 38 degrees and sprinkling rain, I so would have laid right in my front yard and made grass angles. As we get out of the car we are greeted by our next door neighbor.

"Oh good! Y'all are home just in time for the fireworks".

Excuse me? What did he just say? In my true snarky fashion I say "No, we are just in time to get in the bed. We have been up since 4 and have been on the road all day".

"Awe, that is too bad. Jimmy (the other neighbor) works at the fireworks stand and we have a thousand dollars worth of fireworks to shoot off."

Is he fucking kidding me? Don't get me wrong. I am not a fire cracker scrooge, but a GRAND worth? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! That is some towns budget for fire crackers on the 4th!

They have been at it for 2 hours straight. Two fucking hours. It is only 10. He told me the "big show" was at 12 or 12:30. Holy cow.

All I have to say is that I am staying awake. However, if he wakes up my baby, I promise I will get a bottle rocket and shove it up his ass and send his ass to the moon. (Insert prayer here).

Happy New Year!

So! Who all gotta pap smear in their stocking?

2009-12-30T10:19:00.000-05:00

I am a little way behind on this post. I have much better things to post about, but this is a quickie. We are on the road again tomorrow. I click my heels 3 times and told Dean if we did not go home soon bad things would happen to him while he was sleeping. Y'all have no idea how excited I am at the thought of being in my house, with my bed...and my big kids home. Yeah, I am so over the fucking holidays. I want some kinda normal back.

Anyway, back to pap smears. When I saw the CBS care public service announcement I about dropped my teeth. I am not saying that pap smears are not wonderful. I just totally jump for fucking joy when it is time for mine! There is nothing better then having cold, metal salad spoons inserted into your vagina and cranked apart. I love counting the ceiling tiles while my doctors face is inches from my womanhood.
What do yall think about during times like this? The Revolutionary War? Cute shoes at Koles? Try to remember if you took out something for dinner? Well if you are like me you are wondering how your doctor sizes yours up. I mean not in a sexual way, but damn...the mother fucker looks at vaginas all day. He must have some kinda 1-10 rating scale. I wonder if he writes that shit in code somewhere on your chart so that he can review how it ages every year?

Them there is the KY and Q tip nurse. Bless their hearts! They go to school for like a bazillion years to learn to squirt ky on a speculam and hand dude some Q-tips. Can you imagine the nightmares that woman has?!

I also wonder if you run into these people at the mall got they roll through their mental rolladex to get your last score? "Ahhh yes, hey April (total 8 *I think highly of my vagina).

I also feel sorry for GYNs. I mean there can not possibly be a poker night for these dudes. Can you imagine a bunch of guys sitting around talking and the topic turns to work?

"Well George, have ya seen any good twats recently?"

Can you say major HIPA violations.

Other dudes prolly think that they are gay. I mean, the average man thinks about sex every 4 minutes. Most dude would be humping fools if the got to see woman parts every 15 minutes.

Anyway, get a pap smear. Tell your hubby that the gift you want is for him to come along. I love making Dean squirm! It also gets you a few sympathy points when they remember back on the even. Next stop...smooshin our boobs between plastic plates! I can't wait to see Dean's face on that visit! :)

Why I have rules about public bathrooms...

2009-12-28T23:41:00.000-05:00

First, I have a couple of new followers. I am a total follower also! Unfortunately I am on my suck ass Black Berry and I can't click right on over (I wonder if Black Berry will pay me for that product review?) So, when I get home I will clicky and let ya know with a comment. Sometimes I can comment, it just depends on how your blog is set up. Anyway, I will not forget!

So that brings me to my current post. Public bathrooms. All are gross. All! I avoid going to the bathroom at public places at all cost. To the point I am in serious physical pain. I am not sure why I have such a phobia. I mean it is not like I am going to take a bath in the toilet bowl. I always do the hover that all girls are taught from a very young age, so my tush does not hit the seat (unless I loose my balance). I will also shamefully admit I don't clean my shitter at home every day (cough*week*). There are times it is pretty hairy. I guess as long as it is my shit I don't have an aversion. Makes no sense, but that is how I poop.

So I have rules about public potties.
1. Never, ever, ever go to the bathroom in a gas station. Ever. This is like the grand daddy of bathroom rules.

2. Never go to a bathroom that is dimly lit. You really need to inspect each pot to see which one you want to not sit on.

3. Never go to a one seater bathroom. The shitter to cleaning ratio has to be outta this world.

4. When available, the best place to potty is hotel lobbies. I stole this from one of Dean's best friend's mother. OMG! How smart is she! And classy! She would never be caught dead reading a snarky blog like this, but if you are... This one is for you Miss M.E!

5. When you can, bring a wing woman to watch your door and get you TP if your stall is out (or you use it all lining the seat).

6. Kick the handle! Kick that bitch! So not touch it...ever. There are some toilets (the ones like house toilets) that you have to be gentle with.

7. Avoid the auto flush. Every fucking time I use a pot that has this I get piss shot up on my booty in mid stream. This invention was not ment for the hovering women. It turns the toilet into a piss bidet. Not good times.

Anyway, on our adventure on the way to my in laws I had to use a public bathroom. Why I think that I need to hold my piss until my eyeballs are floating and look like I have yellow jaundic, I have no idea. When I do this I tend to break some of the rules.

We had been on the road for 6 hours and my 1/2 a gallon of coffee was getting to me. We decided to make a stop in Jasper, AL to get something to eat and stretch our legs. As soon as we got off the exit it hit me. The "you better go right now" pee pee dance. It feels like someone is literary pressing on your stomach and your bladder is like a water balloon that is fixing to burst.
Me: Stop at the gas station

Dean: You don't go to the bathrooms at gas stations.

Me: Bitch! Did you hear me? I gotta fucking pee.

Dean: You have been saying you have had to pee for the last 30 minutes.

Me: Get me to a pot! NOW!

Dean: (laughing) Are you going in with you grandma house shoes on?

*I did not put on real shoes when I got dressed. I just left my house shoes on and threw my shoes in my bag. He found this humorous b/c I totally talk mad shit about lazy asses that don't get dressed to go to stores, or where house shoes out in public. Hahaha yeah, fuck him. I had to piss.

So we pull into this gas station that is also a fucking tanning bed! I shit you not! A fucking tanning bed! I hop out thinking I am about to have the best piss orgasm of the century! (I know that yall know what a piss orgasm is! That is when you have held it so friggin long and you finally get to piss it "hurts so good". Totally a piss orgasm!). I run inside and ask the attendant where the bathroom was and he pointed to the back. I looked up and it had 2 doors- Kings and Queens! Wooohoo. I have broken my #1 public shitter rule, but it was for a bathroom ment for a queen so it has to be ok! Right?

Fuck hell no! Totally wrong! I open the door and reach for the light and there is no fucking switch! WTF! How does a bathroom not have a fucking light switch? Well by this point I was in a place of no return. I had 2 choices. Hover in the dark or piss in my pants. Split decision, but I chose to hover. I snatched down my pants and pissed, and pissed, and pissed some more. It was totally freaking me out b/c I was in a fucking bathroom that has not been properly inspected, hovering in the dark. Totally screwed up my piss orgasm.

So I stand up and pull up my pants. I then try to figure out how in the hell I am going to flush in the dark! I opened the door to get some light and calculate the foot to lever distance for my kick. It is very hard to kick a toilet in house shoes, BTW. Then I had to let the door close and try to kick it in the dark. Yeah, that worked out well!
I was so fucking out of it I did not even button or zip my pants! I came running out (b/c at this point I was very traumatized) of the bathroom all hanging out. I noticed my jeans felt looser so I looked down and I about died! I hurriedly tired to fix myself thinking the whole time that dude prolly thinks I am shoving kit kats down my pants!

Ugh!

I get in the car and tell Dean to drive! Drive any friggin where! Get me the hell away from this tanning/gas station! I also told him that I was way traumatized and did not want to talk about what had just happened and the mother fucker made me relive it right then. Asshole!

I am alive!

2009-12-28T12:09:00.000-05:00

I know yall were all super worried! LOL. We had Christmas and all that jazz, then went on a 12 1/2 road trip. So I have been too pooped to peeter. I have lots to blog about. I have even started a list so I will not friggin forget. I am on my phone, so some things will have to wait so that I can show you the purdy pictures (ohhh, ahhhh).

I did get my awards! Thank you to my great mommy bloggy friends. I love your blogs! They are better then snuff and not half as dusty! I am going to wait until I get home to pass them on. Home...ahhhh! When will that be? I have no frackin clue! Sometime before Sunday. That is when Frick and Frack come home from their father's house. Oh how I miss them! Oh how I miss my house. Did I tell yall I hate to go anywhere?!

Anyway, check back in the next day or so. I will have some posts up!

Smooches!

12 days of Christmas

2009-12-24T23:38:00.002-05:00

So yeah, I still suck. I am giving you days 5-12 all together!

Day 5---Ring pops

Day 6---- 6 boiled eggs, dyed red and green and coloring books

Day 7---- 2 of the cutest Christmas rubber duckies! 1 Santa and one snowman. In a bucket of water...the Swans flew away

Day 8---- Cholate milk

Day 9--- Fishing game (I had no idea what to do for ladies dancing!)

Day 10--- Frog a leaping!

Day 11--- A hodge podge! Little dollar toys and home made raindeer food.

Day 12---Pranksters Revealed! We also got them a 12 pack of fudgecicles and we made them homemade Christmas Ornaments.

The kids were sooooo surprised to find that Matty and Ansley were the pranksters! This has truly touched my childrens hearts and taught them a great lesson in giving and the joy of Christmas. I am so very proud of them...Thank you soooo much Ann Marie for sharing this wonderful idea!!!

I want to wish everyone a wonderful Christmas! Thank you God for sending your son to save us. Thank you Mary for delivering this very special gift! Love you all!

I totally lied! and I am totally strange

2009-12-20T23:14:00.000-05:00

I did not get the blog/pics up for the 12 days of Christmas. I suck and should be destroyed. Please spare me for my family. They don't know what they would do without there total nut job leader!

Seriously, I will TRY to get it up tomorrow. I have a big day planed, so I am not promising. The big kiddies and I are treckin out to the mall. Why you ask? Because my 9 year old has actually showed an interest in being a little girl! She is normally so wrapped up in being a tween. I long for the baby doll days and playing "mama and baby".
She wants a new build a bear. Yeah, I know...she has been sucked into an awful cultish obsession...but if she wants to be a kid, I am all for it!

Matty is the tag a long. He informed me last night he wanted a certain John Cena shirt for Christmas. Why do kids do that? Ugh! I, of course, went online to see if I could find this wonderful jewel. It was sold out. Apparently all the other little almost 11 year olds moms beat me to it...curses batman.

So I am looking for a make up gift. (Why, I have no idea. I finished shopping for them a few weeks ago). He kept telling me about the WWE sunggie. He said some of the wrestlers came out in them last week. (On a side note, how silly is that for grown ass men to be walking to a WRESTLING ring in an effin snuggie?). I looked online, no dice. So today I found one in the K-Mart sales paper. I ran right down, and they were sold the eff out. DAMN IT! They are suppose to be getting more in...we shall see.

So anyway, tomorrow we have the mall and lunch. Then we are going to dinner and Dean and I are taking them to a dollar movie (Cloudy with a chance of meat balls). Busy, busy.

Today, Ans and my MIL hit up Kmart for the sold out snuggie and Laney Claire a big girl car seat. We found a few other things...evil store.

We came home and watched The Wizard of Oz. Is it strange for a 32 year old woman to know that movie really well? My fav part is when the Tin Man dances. I get a kick out of it every single time :).

As I was watching the end I found myself thinking...if I was Dorothy I would have totally bitch slapped Glenda at the end. I mean, when she tells her that she could have went home at any time...she had the effin shoes...SLAP! Brainiac Scare Crow asked "Why didn't you tell her?". Then stupid "Good" witch says "She would not have believed me". SLAP SLAP. She wouldn't have believed her! Are you effin kidding me? Let's review. She went up in a twister. Her house landed on a witch. She is in effin MUNCHKIN land talking to a witch. I am going to go out on a limb and say if Glenda said "Click Your heels gal and get back home", she would have believed her. SLAP!
What a dumb bitch. I think she just wanted Dorothy to kill the wicked witch so she could be like the queen bitch witch. All I have to say is if April was Dorothy, that prissy ass would have a ruby red slipper up her booty. The flying monkeys were under Dorothy's command at that time...huge monkey shit turd on that bitch's head...that would be my command...but yall know I am a bitch, so does that really surprise you? LOL

Loving my family...

2009-12-20T02:49:00.000-05:00

We totally have still been playing the 12 days pranksers game! I have just been super busy the last few day. No time to post! After tomorrow night I will catch yall up on days 5-8.

I am laying in bed and I can not sleep. I hate it! All of my family are tucked in, snug as bugs, and here I lay. Do you know how boring TV is at 2 am?
I am currently in a TV funk. I do this every so often. I get to where nothing can hold my interest, and could really care less if the thing is even on. Right now, I really only have 2 "must see" shows. Big Bang and reruns of Friends (that's kinda the same show, same premise...friends...2 get together...all are nuts).
I think I will get better after the first of the year. There are several of my favs coming back. So we shall see. But now, I am bored.
During the day, I have much excitement at home. The kids are balls to the wall and totally in the Christmas spirit. I can not tell you how much fun we are having. I almost wish that Christmas was not next week! We are having a blast every single day! I have officially been given the "Best Mom" award by my son. Awwww
Deano was going to be off starting this past friday, but he will be working Monday and Tuesday. That's cool. I have my little peeps to keep me in line. Laney Claire is totally loving having her brother and sister home. More attention for the princess! Yall know she is totally lacking, right?

We are getting to the point where we are teaching Laney Claire "no,no" and all that good jazz. We are traditionalist parents, and do believe in corporal punishment. Do we beat our 9 month old? Umm nope, but we will pop her hand. We have the same ideas as our pediatrician. It worked with the other two, so we are not going to try to fix it now. I believe that every parent should do what works for them and for their child. If spankings (popping) does not work for you, that is cool...to each his own.

That being said...things are interesting around here when Laney starts getting into stuff. We have a system of how we were advised to teach her. We always say "no". As soon as the other 2 hear she is getting into something they come running! They automatically sit down and divert her attention. Sometimes it works, and sometimes Miss. Stubborn has her eye on the prize and will not be swayed. The big kids start trying to tell her "That can hurt the baby. You can't do that. You will get a pankin". It really is so sweet. They both love every bit of her. Any worries of any jealousy have totally disappeared. They truly act like she is "their" baby. As a matter of fact, I hear once a week that I need to have another baby...that is a whole different story.

My Mother in law is in for Christmas. I am not sure what she makes of our nut house! We normally have something going on at all times. We have some one coming here, going there, doing this, watching that. You can call my house at any given time when the kids are out of school and I will promise you we are bouncing off the walls.
I am so glad. I have blogged before that I was in a depression. I don't know what changed, but I feel so much better. I think I have this blog to thank! I get an outlet.
Unfortunately, I have had limited time to blog, nor keep up with my blogging friends. That sucks. I have a whole list of stuff to blog about, but I just don't have the time right now. So much to do!
I love all my mommy friends! I hope you are all having a wonderful time leading up to your holiday (or during your holiday if you are Jewish).
I will try to make time tomorrow night to get a little caught up!

Good nite all! I am going to TRY to go to sleep...

Car line b4 a holiday= good times...not

2009-12-18T00:57:00.000-05:00

I started today with exactly 3 hours worth of sleep. I am not loving is insomnia thing. LC was a little needy, and I was a lot grumpy. Sigh.
My awesome MIL (yes, I really like her) was on her way for her week long Christmas visit. I had a mess in the kitchen to clean and the laundry monster has been kicking my ass. Ugh. Did I mention 3 hours of sleep?

I tried to be a little chipper and get some stuff done (normally I sit like a bump and think about all the things I should be doing). I went out on my porch to beat a rug. I must not go out often enough! My next door neighbors were getting in their van. They stopped and came over to chat. The first thing dude said is "You look better". (WTF! Better then what?!). Then he back peddled. "I think last time I saw you, you must have been sick". (WTF!)(Dean always tells the neighbors I am sick. Fake sick so I don't have to actually talk to them). Then he says, "You cut your hair". (No shit Sherlock! 3 effin months ago!).
"Yeah, I think I was sick. I did cut my hair. It was falling out from when I had the baby, so I figured shorter would be better for now". (Thanks for noticing dick wad).
I must admit, I prolly look pretty sick. Not the good kinda sick either. He prolly was surprised to see me. I never set foot outside. Ever. That is mostly b/c I don't want to get dressed. Lazy ass!

So anyway, after all these pleasantries (he realized I am not the total troll he thought I was) he let me know I didn't have to pick up his son from school. Ok, whatever...

Ugh

This is where it gets annoying.

My childrens school has 3 pick up lines. 3. One for K5-3rd grade. One for bus riders and one for 4th and 5th. I have it set up to pick up my kids at the 5th grade line so I don't have to go through 2 lines.

Since I was picking up a K5er I told my kids to meet me at that circle, except today I didn't have to go there. I had no way of telling them so of to the little circle I went.

Now I must tell you something about the little circle. These teachers do not play. It is like Ft Knox! No joke! They have a teacher position 1/2 a block away that you have to tell who you are picking up. She then takes it all the way up the ranks (3 other teachers). By magic, when you get to the circle, your kid is there! Awesome!
So I tell officer #1 who I am there after. I get to the circle and I see Ans, but no Matt. I was in a state of confusion. So confused that I didn't realize that a teacher had opened my van and threw my neighbors kid in. "Oh! Wait! He's not mine today! His mom is a few cars back (I saw them pull around). Poor little guy was so confused! So as she is snatching him out Ans gets in. "Where is your brother?"
"I don't know".
"Did you see him?"
"No".
So now teacher is going to close the door..."Merry Christmas"...
"Wait! I am missing a kid". (She is prolly thinking OMG, I just took one out of your van now you are bitching for another one!).
About this time my friggin daughter tells the teacher (not me) that Matt went to get a book...all the friggin way across the school. (WTF! Didn't I just ask her ass that!)
She tells me to pull up to wait. Well the little circle is little! I did not want to hold up traffic so I pulled out and parked right across the street to wait. About this time my neighbors come up. I have to relive the whole ordeal with them and tell them why I am waiting. This would be person #2 that I have had to hash this story out to. I see Matt, but they will not let him walk across the road so I have to go all the way around and get back in line...and tell officer #1 what the heck I am doing. Sigh.
I finally pick up my kid! Success. Not quite!
He is freaking spazzin out! He left his fracking agenda. So the eff what! He has no HW for 2 weeks. WTF does he need a friggin agenda for? OMG! Spazzin hits a new level. "Mama! I have to have it! I will get in trouble!".
"That is just stupid! Why do you need it?"
"They said I had to or I will get a bad mark! I have to have it!"
Ok fine! Whatever! Here we go to the big circle.
"Mama! We have to hurry! They said when the door closes I will be outta luck".
Great
We get to the big circle. Thank God there were people there. He would have piss himself! He jumps out. Then his smartass math teacher (I mean smart ass in a good way. I like this dude) comes over and says "Hey lady! We don't accept drop offs!".
Dude really! Ugh! Did I mention how ridiculous he looked?! It was pj day (and I wonder why some adults are too lazy to get dressed, oh wait...that is me). Dude had on Steelers pj's and a Steelers Santa hat. I felt like shouting "Shut up Steeler Claus". I didn't. I just told him I didn't care, I was leaving Matt there. If I had my real smart ass hat on I would have drove away and made him shat in his Steelers jammies. Muhhahhhahhaaahha!

Have I mentioned I hate the car line?

Oh and the cherry on top. I look at myself in the rearview on the way home. I almost screamed! Damn if I look better now, I must have been really close to my fake death when he saw me last!

FYI. I got everything but laundry. I contained the beast to the garage, so that is what you will find me doing tomorrow. Good times- ack!

On the 4th day of Christmas my pranksters gave to me...

2009-12-16T21:16:00.002-05:00

Walkie Talkies!!!

We got them so they could "call" each other. I was excited about this because I would think that 3 and 5 year old brothers would love walkie talkies. I started picking 5 y/o from school for a few days since mommy just had the baby. I am soooooooo tempted to ask him...but I can't! Crap!

Our note said:

On the 4th day of Christmas my pranksters gave to me...

Walkie Talkies!

For you to "call" each other.

I know I suck at this note thing! I will try to do better tomorrow!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-12-16T00:33:00.001-05:00

This is old, but I could not resist. I found it the other day while going through looking for Christmas card pics. I know I posted Laney last week. I promise to get the other kids in next week.

On the 3rd day of Christmas my pranksters gave to me...

2009-12-15T23:49:00.002-05:00

Some stinking french fries! That is all that we could think of that little kids would like. I also included 2 little Christmas fun pads.

The note said:

On the 3rd day of Christmas my pranksters gave to me...

Some french fries, they are the hens favorite snack.
We also gave you both a fun pad to play with very quietly while baby brother is sleeping.

I am very excited about tomorrow. Today we were off schedule because my older kids were in a Christmas play. We did not do the ding and run until 9:30 (we didn't ding that late, we just dropped it off).

The next few days ought to be fun. The french fries were the only real dud I thought.

This Ones About Poo If you dont like to read about poo, dont read :)

2009-12-14T23:50:00.000-05:00

If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time you will know that I am totally random. One minute I a talking about psycho teachers and the next I have sweet posts about my kids and how I am trying to be a good mom and teach them how to be up standing people...yeah. Such as my life, I have 2 blog personalities. Sweet Mommy and Bad Mommy.
Bad Mommy does have some influence over the kids. They really like her when she dances around like a drunk chicken or laughs at something someone is wearing on TV (or in person). I try to have a mix of Sweet/Bad Mommy. Sometimes Bad Mommy gets a little more raunchy with her posts, and that brings me this post. If you like Sweet Mommy, this might not be the post for you.

That all being said, let's shoot the poo.

There comes a time in all relationships that you are totally comfortable with you partner. Issues arise over time and you have to deal with them. Like after you have been dating for 6 months and you take a huge dump in your boyfriends bathroom. I mean one that no amount of fabreeze will cover up. You can do one of 2 things. Walk out and act like your eyes are not watering or you are choking on your own stench, or walk out and say "Damn, I blow the mother effer up!".
See I am the kinda girl that does not ignore elephants in the room, esp if they have just stepped in 25 pounds of shit. Dean appreciates my candidness. I like to think my honesty mixed with poo smell is what made him fall madly in love with me!
This is a 2 way street. When you open poo up for discussion, be prepared...men LOVE to talk about shit! LOVE IT! The stinkier, the more impressive. It really is sick.

This brings me to my words for pooping. Let me give you a few of our code names for matters of the poo.

Shit Baby= poo
I am sure you prolly have heard of dropping kiddies off at the pool. This is my adaptation. Normally after you have a shit baby you come out and announce how big your baby was.
"I just had a 3lb 4oz shit baby".

Delivery Room= bathroom
Delivery Rooms are any bathrooms. If you are in public and there are stalls, this is a maternity ward. I do not use Delivery Rooms in public unless 100% chance I will not make it to my home delivery room.

Contractions= gas
This, as in real childbirth, can be false labor. You just have to be careful or you can shart (shit and fart at the same time). If you are not in a delivery room, this could make for a big mess and you would be minus a pair of drawers.

Labor= the pains you get in your stomach when birth is emanate. Normally it is contractions that built. Needless to say, you better be near a delivery room.

Multiple Births= Ugh! The most irritating. It is when you have delivered and then go into labor again. I really hate multiple births!

Just so you know I am totally weird and I totally fell from a weird tree. My parents also had code words for pooping. Theirs was not near as intricate as mine (I am a total over achiever when it comes to poop). They would simply say "I am having an SA". SA= shit attack.

So yes you know I am totally fracked up. I promise not to make another appearance, nor talk about poo for a long time...maybe.
Love,
Bad Mommy

On the 2nd day of Christmas my pranksters gave to me...

2009-12-14T20:40:00.002-05:00

Can you tell what it is? Ha! I sure couldn't! It is little plastic turtles and Dove Cholate in a basket. So cute! I am sure the boys will like the turtles and Mommy could use the cholate!

Our note today said:

On the 2nd day of Christmas my pranksters gave to me...

Some little turtles and Dove Candy!

You have to be good or the jolly prankseters will leave your neighborhood...

Lame, I know...the best I could think up. I am already thinking of my note for tomorrow, so hopefully it will be better.

My Jolly Pranksters!

I got another AWARD!

2009-12-14T01:15:00.004-05:00

Thank you sooooo much to MoonNStarMommy! She gave me this awesome award! Her blog rocks and you must go...now...right now I said!

Ok! So I hope you enjoyed her blog, and left her some love!

With this award I have to list 10 honest things about my life...this could be scary!

1. If I don't like a food I tell people I am allergic to it. It sounds soooo much better and it does not make me look like the picky ass that I am.

2. I use to be super dooper straight laced. Like total stick in my ass (please refer to "My date with the teacher"). I soon realized that was NO FUN!

3. I do not eat food with my hands. This is an OCD issue with me. I have been working on it. I eat everything with a fork or spoon. Even pizza. Like I said, I have been working on it. I had too b/c Ansley was picking up on my bad habits.

4. I ALWAYS us a straw at a resturant. ALWAYS. No discussion.

5. I don't drive at night (because I am becomeing my MOTHER!). Actually, I have to wear glasses and the headlights blind me. Yeah, I know, lame ass excuse...it is more the I am becoming my mother thing.

6. I am scared of failing my children. I want them to have the total childhood, teenage experience. When they look back, I want them to know how much I love them and not the mommy was a lazy ass.

7. I have battled with depression. I am not ashamed to admit that I am on meds (could you imagine my blog if I wasn't! WOW!). I saw the person that depression was making me and it is not the person that I wanted to be. So there you go!

8. My husband is my best friend. I can tell him any and everything. He loves me for the person I am, not the person that everyone thinks that I should be.

9. I really needed this award. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to myself...and I am answering!

10. If you ever go out with me you will have a BALL! I am one of those people that I always get into some kinda mess and it is normally elfin hellaruious. Oh the stories I have! Unfortunatlly I have a potty mouth. I have tried to curb it for my followers, but it is just so unnatural for me!!!!!!!!!!! lol I don't cuss this much around my kids...please don't go reporting my potty mouth to DSS.

So that is it. 10 things that you might not have known, that are all honest.
Now I get to pass this award along...yipee!

Nicloe at A New Normal
Jamee at A New Kind Of Normal
F.T.M atAdventures of a First Time Mom
Andrea at Brutally Honest
And last but not least!
Melissa at My life and how it is going

Love you guys! Keep blogging!!!

On the first day of Christmas my prankster gave to me...

2009-12-14T00:43:00.002-05:00

I posted a blog a while back about a supertific idea that my mommy friend Ann Marie shared with me. It is where you pick a family/person to receive gifts from you for 12 days. Normally, this would coincide with the Epiphany, but my children are going to be visiting their dad during that time so we chose to do it the 12 nights leading up until Christmas. The "gifts" correlate to the song "The 12 days of Christmas". This can be done many ways, but we have decided to stay anonymous until the 12th day.

We chose our next door neighbors. They are super sweet and have welcomed us into the neighborhood with open arms. There is Mama, Daddy, 5 y/o son, 3 y/o son, and a brand new baby boy just born this past week! We also chose them because Mama just had a very tragic loss. Her brother was killed suddenly. Since my Grandmother passed this year, I know how hard the holidays can be. We figured this would give the little ones something to look forward to everyday, and a little mystery for Mama and Daddy to try to figure out.

All of the gifts we purchased were dollar store, or homemade. We did not have a ton to spend. This has been soooo much fun for my older children. I HIGHLY recommend doing this if you have older kids. They have been involved from day one. Every part has been as a whole family. We sat down and figured out what we could do for each day. Ansley and I went on a scavenger hunt for fabo items to go with our ideas. Fun! Fun! Fun! I can tell you now, this will be a yearly tradition in our home. I would not trade this time I have spent with my kids for the world. This also is teaching them the spirit of giving, and looking at our fellow man and seeing who might be in need...physical and emotional.

So the 1st day of Christmas is a Partridge in a Pear Tree. Not for us prankseters. I went to the dollar store and purchased a tiny fiber optic tree ($2). We dressed it out in ribbon and candy canes that we had. Ansley drew a cutie partridge for us to stick in the branches...and we would not be complete without pears...baby food, for the newest member of there clan.

We did include a note-
Dear 5y/o and 3 y/o (not using there names)
On the 1st day of Christmas my pranksters gave to me-
candy canes on a fiber optic tree. With a little partridge and some baby pears for your new little baby bear.

Ansley and Matt did a ding and run around 7ish. They had a blast! We can not WAIT until tomorrow!!! Will keep y'all posted!

My date with the teacher

2009-12-12T23:47:00.000-05:00

I am sure that this is going to be a huge shock to all of y'all, but I must admit to my social awkwardness. I apparently did not stand in that line, or take that class is school. I was apparently way too busy being a smart ass and thinking I was great. This has led me to several not so comfy situations in the past. Normally I mentally prepare myself so I curb my non filtered mouth. This time I was very ill prepared.

I had the brightest idea to invite Ans's teacher to diner. She is going through a rough time with the loss of Ms. T. I also invited V, a fabo mommy of a classmate of Ans (who's son is so friggin cute! I could just pinch him). Thank God I invited V. I do believe the teacher would have put a stop to diner and told be to get an elfin cab.
See, sometimes I say things that I think are way funny and really they are way not. UGH! Kinda like Chandler on Friends.

I knew that shit was going south when she picked me up and asked me if I knew were V lived. I must stop here and let everyone know I am directionaly challenged. Never, ever ask me for directions. I totally suck. V lives right around the corner from me so I got directions from the Chief (he knows to use small words when talking about directions). So when teacher asked I was "Oh yes she lives in bah bah subdivision". Well teacher had pulled out of my driveway and was 1/2 to V's house when she said "oh we can go the back way". Oh shit. You should also know that I have serious OCD about driving the way I know. Serious. She then whips the car around on 2 wheels and we proceed to go the "back way". Ugh! I am getting that feeling in my stomach.

As she is driving we come to a super sharp curb that she almost runs smack into. Then she says "Whoops! I guess I need to be paying attention and not looking at Christmas lights". YA THINK?! Yall should prolly also know I am a super freak about speeding. I got a ticket almost 5 years ago. Freaked me out. I don't speed and I had a speedometer installed in my ass. I can sit in the passenger seat and tell you how fast your going. Let's just say teacher is a little law breaker.

So we come in the back way to V's neighborhood. She then turns to me and asks what house. WTF! I don't elfin know. I am still 3 blocks back when we did Dukes of Hazard over a pot hole. I told her I didn't friggin know the back way. Ugh!!!!

This is when I knew. I knew that she and I were not gonna get along. Nope. She is a red and I am a blue. It just aint gonna work. Man! All women have been in this position before. Normally I have an "out" plan, but I had never been on the date with a teacher. I didn't think I needed one. When I dated prior to meeting Dean I had a "out" plan for all dates. My friend would call and ask what kind of pizza the kids ate (even if the kids were not with her). If I said "cheese" all was clear. If I said anything else she was to call back 10 mins later with a reason for me to come home-right away. I was 3 blocks from my house and I knew I had a big fat sausage pizza on my hands, but no one to call and give me my out. Shit.
We pick up V! THANK GOD! She is way more my speed. She was my saving grace for the rest of the night. I swear if I said I liked X the teacher would scoff and say that was stupid. She seriously could not hold a conversation about anything other then school and her class. Very strange. I am starting to think at this point she is the one with social ackwardness.

I told several stories and had several "turd in the punch bowl" moments. Thank God for V. She would act interested and laugh. So when teacher went to the bathroom, V and I started talking "girl" talk. It was the best 10 minutes of the night. We were talking relationships and men. When teacher came back she was very uninterested and ready to go. We were suppose to run in a few stores next to the restaurant. Didn't happen. Teacher was done with me and my silly stories and giggly ways. Super fine with me. I was ready to pull the stick outta her ass.
So V and I continue the conversation about relationships in the car. We were talking about men appearing "perfect". Well naturally I said "Everyone thinks Dean is perfect, but he farts in the bed". You would have thought I said he screws male hookers every Tuesday night. Seriously, teacher gasped! What?! Does she not friggin fart? I mean really! Well V just runs with it and starts talking about how her little one farts in the bed. This was a conversation teacher was clearly not happy with. She changed the subject to how she completed college in 3 years. :rolls eyes: That is apparently because nobody introduced her to Mr.Bud or Miss. Wiser. Apparently the stick has been inserted for quit some time.
Don't get me wrong. I think that it is great that people have drive and goals.
I know that I am crass and rude. That is just how I roll, I guess. No kouth. Well I have some. I just chose to only use it at certain times. That night was not one of them.

So I found out that night that teacher does not get my kid at all! Ans's is the reigning burping champ and has been known to fart on people on purpose (she does get in trouble fyi). I also don't think I will be getting a "parent of the year" award".

I have not heard from teacher since. It is a pretty safe bet that I won't get asked out again. If I happen to get asked out, it is a sure bet that I will be busy. Oye!

Student of the Month, Trash bags and Jump Ropes

2009-12-09T22:10:00.005-05:00

MATT GOT STUDENT OF THE MONTH! Awww! My devil ball killer is sooooo sweet! I am so very proud of him, and Ansley. They have been at there new school only a few short months and both have made very good impressions! Student of the month! how elfin cool is that! He has made student of the month every single year since 1st grade! :) :) :) It made up for the D that he got on a quiz---at least it was in a subject he has an A in. I am not smarter then a 5th grader, so it is getting increasingly harder to help with home work. I take Language Arts and Reading. Dean takes MATH (because I SUCK) and science. We tag team on Social Studies. I think I get the way better end of the stick...or Matt does! HA! Anyway! I am super dooper proud! So yall have to deal with a little braggin!!!

On to another issue. My elder daughter. She looks like me, she talks like me, she is a mini version of me. That is not always a great thing. I am very, very clumsy. I take uncoordinated to a whole new level. She also has this trait. I am also uber competitive. I mean like "I am going to win if it kills me" competitive. She also has this trait.

These two traits do not usually work well together. See we cant be the best at sports because we ummm SUCK! I learned these limitations a long time ago. I don't back down from a challenge, but I am not going to a shoot out with out a elfin gun! I learned this lesson, and it is time for me to teach my grasshopper. I am not discouraging her, I am just explaining that some people have to work harder at some things. Just like she is a wiz in school. Some people have to work harder to achieve the grades she makes. Some people excel in physical activity. If she wants to do the same, she will have to work harder.

That brings me to this afternoon. My little sunshine came bee boppin in and wanted a jump rope. Why does she want a jump rope? Well, they are doing a jump roping unit in PE and if you can jump the jump rope 50 times you will be in the "Kangaroo Club". Ahh, I see! Matt and her best friend are in the "Kangaroo Club" and she is not happy with the fact that her name is not on that poster. Sigh. So my Little Miss Uncoordinated wants a jump rope. We don't have a jump rope. See, there is another nasty trait that my mini me has picked up...inpatients. She wanted me to go get a jump rope right then! Ummm I could not go because Chief was sick and I was on total kiddie duty. Aint no elfin way I was hauling my tribe to the store for a friggin jump rope...nope, aint gonna happen.

So what does Sunshine do? She goes and gets 20 plastic grocery bags and proceeds to try to make a jump rope. Very smugly, I might add. As she is working she says "I am like my mama, I think I can do anything." (Oh Lord! Do I really think that!...Does she think I really think that?)

So she ties all these bags together as Dean and I look on in amazement. When she is done she jumps up and tries it. No go! The bags are too light. This does not discourage my little inventive child. She decided she would make one with garbage bags.

By this point I was thoroughly intrigued. I jumped in and we cut up bags and braided them together. We had to apply some duct tape in a few spots...but we made us a damn good jump rope. Yipee!

So the big test came. She tried it out. It worked! Only, she does not work. She can only get about 3 jumps in before she gets tangled up. My poor baby. She has until next Wednesday to get this down so she can get her name on the "Kangaroo Club" list. If I were a betting woman, I would be her name is up there next week. She might be clumsy, but she is prideful. She told me that the only reason why she cared is because Matt was in the club and she did not want him to do anything better then her. OYE!

So it takes us 4 big lawn trash bags and about 45 minutes of work. Whew! I am glad that is over...oh no I don't! Here comes my son whining he wants one and he wants to do the braiding. Teaching an ADD boy how to braid trash bag strips is like nailing jello to the wall. He actually did pretty good at first, but soon tired. He was not the only one! It took and hour and a half! I could have went to the dollar store and back 20 times! I am happy to say that both of my older children have trash bag jump ropes...does that make me a bad mother?

PS. I did try the jump rope out. Time has not improved my coordination at all... I will just leave it at that.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-12-09T00:32:00.001-05:00

She is soooooo sweet!

Devil Balls!

2009-12-08T21:48:00.002-05:00

First I would like to say I am very sorry for the poor quality of these pictures, but I took them with my phone because I am too lazy today to actually get out my camera.

We put up our tree the Saturday night after Thanksgiving. It is always one of those things that you want to do, but you don't want to do. It is not that I wish someone else would do it. I just hate that it makes a mess and just thinking about doing it makes me cringe. The first Christmas Dean and I were together we actually put up 2 trees. We musta been feeling really good that year. Since we put up only the one sad little tree. I call it my beautiful Charlie Brown tree. See since we got 2 trees that first year we opted for the cheaper versions. Not such a hot idea now that we only put one of them up! In the years since I have always said we could go after Christmas and get a better tree...that never happens. By Christmas morning my checkbook is all red in the spirit of the holiday, so we pack up Charlie until next year.
It is a pretty tree when you stretch out all the branches to cover the huge holes. You also have to strategically place the garland around the pole so you can't see the metal. Oh well! It is our tree and the kids love it. Well...I guess.

We all have jobs on tree day. Dean is the tree hauler inner. The kids bring in the ornaments. Dean puts it together and plugs the bad boy in. He is done! The kids and I are branch separators and hole plugger uppers. I then dilly out the ornaments for them to put on the tree. I have no rules about this. The way I look at it is the tree is theirs. Back when they first started decorating I instructed them to try not to put the same color ornaments together, but that is about it.

Ansley is always super in the holiday mood. My son, not so much. See if she could decorate the tree with the play station or it has anything to do with WWE, it might be up his ally. Normally, he gets frustrated with Ans bossing him about not putting the same colors together and he tries to bail. I think he has learned the man tricks of "if I elf it up I don't have to help".

This year was not different. Ans and I spread the branches and put on the garland while he looked on. He was diggin in the ornament tub, which is a big no no, and broke a ball. This is not a surprise. None of our decorations are expensive. I will get a nice, huge , Better Homes and Garden tree when my kids are much older. I do have several ornaments that are sentimental. All 3 kids have their "First Christmas" ornament. My brother made me a Mexican ornament in Spanish class when he was in middle school...and that is about it. So, a broken ball...no big deal.

Matthew's Booties 1999

Ansley's Angel 2000

Laney-Claire's Ball 2009

This is make me get his hiney up and make him and Ans start decorating the tree. I was dishing out the ornaments left and right. I tried to dig in the tub to get different types so the tree would look colorful. I came across some ornaments that Dean and I had bought that first Christmas. He and I both love poker, and this was during the time when Hold 'em was becoming very popular. The ornaments are glass balls that have playing cards on them. Some are red and some are black. Black! My son had a true hissy fit.

Matt: Black! You can't put black balls on a Christmas tree!
Me: Why not?
Matt: Those are DEVIL BALLS!
Me: (dying laughing) No they are not! They are just poker balls.
Matt: Devil Balls! Die Devil Balls!
He is literal trying to knock them off the tree!!!!!!!!!!!! I am doubled over laughing so hard!
Matt: Die Devil Balls!
Me: Matthew! Stop! They are not devil balls.
Matt: They are black and of the devil.
Me: Well the whole tree is pagan, son!
About this time Ansley accidentally knocks a ball off the tree! You guessed it! It was a devil ball!
Matt: See Mama! They are devil balls! Now we have released the demons!!!!!
O
M
G

I seriously thought I was going to pee in my pants. He was running around like Benny Hinn on Speed!
"We have released the demons!"

Thank God we were almost done with the tree. He still walks by and thumps the other "devil" balls. I guess he is trying to rid the tree of all the demons!

Evil Devil Ball

I mean really...

2009-12-08T20:23:00.002-05:00

I am so p'ed off right now I can't even think! I hate being this angry! So I am fixin' to let it all out. SOME PEOPLE ARE SO ELFIN STUPID!!!

We recently moved to a new neighborhood prior to the new school year. We welcomed this move because we wanted the children to be in a more "neighborhood" type setting. I was also concerend with the direction the schools in that area were going. Well, Ans had several friends at her prior school. When we moved she called them all and gave them our new phone number. That was fine. We are only 20 minutes away and she still has play dates with one of the little girls.

Well, the issue arose the other day that this one particular little girl would call the house and just sit...not saying a word. Ans would hang up and the little girl would call back. Who knows what provokes children to do things. I made prank calls when I was a child. It is just a kid thing. However, it was becoming increasing annoying. Sometimes I would be changing the baby or have my hands in dish water and the child would call. You get the drift.

Several days ago she called 3 times in a row. I told Ans the next time she called I would answer. Well, she called tonight. I am going to mention that this child is calling from HER cell phone. This is the only number that I have to contact her or her parents. I answered and she played true and just sat there. I told her that I needed her mother to call me. She hung up. I called her back and got her voice mail. I politley said "This is Ansley's mother. Please have your mother call me as soon as possible". My phone rings again. She sits. I am getting annoyed. I have tried looking up her parents number, but had no such luck. I said "Hello, hello, hello...do not call my house again or I will have a trace put on the line and they can take your phone out". Hmmm maybe I should not have said that, but it was the truth. If you play on the phone you can have your phone taken out and you also can be brought up on criminal charges (I learned this when my mother caught me pranking. She told me that right before she spanked my booty).

So then I get a call from her mother. Ugh! This is where the stupidness begins. I answer the phone and I tell her what happened. She starts with her attitude...WTE (What the Elf!) Her kid is calling MY house for months playing these stupid games. I can't call her, because the EIGHT YEAR OLD is using her CELL PHONE! She stated that she would not let her child call my house again and Ansley was to never call her house again...like she ever had to worry about that...pfffttt. I said "Great! Problem solved! Have a nice night!" click...see she was wanting a "fight". I am not going to fight with an idiot. The bigger picture here is that her child was standing right there listening to all this trash.

You think the story ends here right...not a chance! The asshat called me back and proceeded to tell me that she was gonna kick my ass. WHAT! Let me rewind! dflkajdosfijadklfasklfjflkadakjnrifnaow...yeah I am pretty sure it was her kid that called MY house, yet she wants to kick MY ass? What kinda ELFED up thinking is that? I threatened her child? I wanted her to stop calling my damn house!!!!!!! Apparently, her mother was too busy smokin salem 100s and chatting it up on yahoo personals looking for her next baby daddy to actually parent her own child. I guess she was pissed because I ruined her mojo. WHO THE ELF BUYS THERE EIGHT YEAR OLD A ELFIN CELL PHONE! AGH!

Sorry, off my tack...anyway, after stating she was going to put her foot up my ass she said "Peace out Bitch"! PEACE OUT BITCH! PEACE OUT BITCH! WHO THE ELF SAYS THAT! Teenagers, hoes, and trash. Does she know who the elf she is talking to? I am a lover not a fighter, but I damn sure never back down from a fight. I have matured since having children and I have tried to teach them to not be aggressive, esp when the persons education level is about 1st grade. PEACE OUT BITCH! Sigh. What to do? Well I called the sharrifs department. I talked to a juvinal officer and he took down all the info and called my best friend back and told her that she nor her daughter should call my house again. If they did, it would be considered harrassment. Yeah! Wonder if she said "peace out bitch" to him?

So, I took this oppurtunity to talk to the kids about proper phone maners. I also asked them what they think a parent should do if a child plays on the phone. Matt said that the parent of the child that was playing should make the child call and appoligize to the other child/parent...be put on phone restriction, and have to write 400 sentance. Lord, I sure hope his kid never plays on the phone!! lol

Do you have to be Christian?

2009-12-07T01:16:00.000-05:00

This is way off from my normal "fluff" topics, but it is something that I have had on my mind all day.

I have found that when people describe others in a favorable way the term "Christian" is often used as a powerful adverb. I also, have been guilty of using the word "Christian" in that way.

It hit me today. What does that really mean on a level of describing someone? Most of the time it indicates a type of security in the fact that the person is "good" or "trustworthy". It congers up ideas that the person is on a different level. One that non Christians will never attain.

This might just be common in the South. We also then take it a step further by saying a "Good Catholic" or a "Southern Baptist". This makes you feel even more secure if the beliefs are closer to your own. Like it is a secret club and as long as you are a member you are cool.

I don't know about you, but I know several Christians that I would not trust with my children. We both might believe in Jesus, but that does not qualify them to baby sit. On that same note, I also know some Jewish people that I would trust with my life.

If someone is agnostic, does that make them a bad person? Would you allow your children to play with children from a family that is Muslim?

I guess the argument could be made that Christianity is a way that you hold yourself and conduct your life. However, other religions also teach to be kind and giving. The fact that you believe in nothing, does not mean that you have no morals.

I guess this is the "center" part of me coming out. I think we should make decisions not based on someone religion (or lack there of). We should measure the content of ones character. I also think that religion is taught at home and people should respect that.

I am Christian. I am Catholic. Some people would not like me because they are of the belief that I hit my knees and I only "pray to Mary". Or that I support pedifilia. Oh how wrong would they be...

Wow! That kinda came off as a rant! It wasn't ment to be! I was just "typing out loud". I guess I just wonder what that truly means. Does it give you comfort inside if you know someone is a Christian? Why do we describe people in this way?

A Saturday Night Quicky

2009-12-05T22:12:00.000-05:00

I am in bed and so very tired, but I wanted to share some things that happened today.

The kids had a wonderful play date with 4 of their good friends from school. These children are true blessings! All are very bright and well mannered. Most of all, they are super caring. One of the little boys lost his mother 6 short days ago. These children have been such an inspiration of Christian love. I am so very proud of each and every one of them!

We made ornaments, had a dance contest, ate pizza and had warm brownies topped with cool whip and sprinkles. I had so much fun with these amazing children!

Anyway, I hope everyones weekend is ROCKIN! I know mine is going great. Still no Tooth Fairy, but she must have seen my post b/c my Laney-Claire did not seem to be fussing as much today. I am still going to kick her booty if she does not show up soon!

Hugs to all!

The Tooth Fairy is a BITCH!

2009-12-04T22:26:00.000-05:00

I have had it with her! My baby has been teething for 6 of her almost 9 months. I am so ready for her to get some relief. So I have decided. If that bitch does not show in the next week, I am going to hunt her down and pluck her wings off one by one. Then I am going to kick her in the teeth.

A little extreme? Yeah! But I really don't care. She has pushed me to this point. I am a mother bear that will protect her cub! Stay tuned! If I go on a fairy hunt, I will let yall know!

The importance of older people

2009-12-03T22:48:00.002-05:00

I have been meaning to do this blog for a couple of weeks, but the words escape me. I am going to try and hope that it all does not come out like a huge poop bomb.

When I was a little girl I had a very special person in my life, my grandmother. She left this earth in May. This was a very hard thing for me to grasp. Like everyone that deals with death, the finality is what upsets me the most. I can never call her up and say "Do you remember so and so?" or "How long do I cook this?".

I am very lucky though. I had an 11th grade US History teacher that gave me the assignment to talk to someone that was of different generations. One of the people I chose was her. I must tell you, that was a changing point in how I viewed older people. She shared with me all about her childhood. Not just the "I had to walk up hill, both ways" stories, but the stories of her life. How she grew up and married a Army man. How she has been all over the world, and how she raised her three little youngins. God knows she was not a saint! She was a good grandmother.

It leads me to think that everyone has a story. They might think their life is boring, but it might be stories that others treasure. Especially your family. I love hearing about when my mother was a little girl. I want these memories preserved for my children, to be passed down...so they know where and who they come from. I know I have my grandmothers temper, and she got it from her mother and so on. I have obviously passed this on to my daughter. I also like looking into Ansley eyes and know that she has a huge chunk of my American Indian heritage. These are all things that I might not have known if I did not talk to my grandmother.

I think it is very important to teach children to respect elders, but also learn for them. The week of Thanksgiving Matt went to a local nursing home with student council. I told him to soak up everything they say. He did. He came home and told me that he learned the true meaning of the Candy Cane. He was so very excited to share this with everyone while at the table during Thanksgiving. It made my heart smile that he took something so great away from that visit. You see, we think we are helping them...but they can really help us.

The Candy Cane Story

A candymaker in Indiana wanted to make a candy that would remind people of the true meaning of Christmas; so he made the candy cane to incorporate several symbols for the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ. He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy. White to symbolize the Virgin Birth and the sinless nature of Jesus, and hard to symbolize the Solid Rock, the foundation of the Church, and the firmness of the promises of God.

The candymaker then shaped his cane into the form of a "J" to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to the earth as Savior. It could also represent the staff of the "Good Shepherd" with which He reaches down to to reclaim the fallen lambs who, like sheep, have gone astray.

Thinking that the candy was somewhat plain, the candymaker stained it with red stripes. He used three small stripes to show the stripes of the scourging Jesus received. The large red stripe was for the blood shed by Christ on the cross so that we could have the promise of eternal life.

What the heck is up with PJ's?

2009-12-03T09:52:00.000-05:00

I have noticed a new phenomenon. People don't want to get friggin dresses! Now I am not talking about the bloggin SAHM. We get a pass. Mainly because we have to schedule every aspect of personal business (including potty time) around our little darlings. I will be the first to admit I wear my lounging pants to go pick the kids up from school. Not a day goes by that I don't thing "Lord, please don't let me get in a wreck with these britches on". I hold my breath the whole .3 of a mile.

This is not the phenomenon I am speaking. I am talking about people (women) who wear pj pants to the grocery store. It seems like the times that I have seen this the woman was not thin...so it really stuck out. Hey! I am all about comfort, but I really don't wanta see Sponge Bob plastered across your ass. What makes a person think this looks acceptable to wear in public? Where are there husbands when they say "I am going shopping." Dean would says...you are gonna wear THAT. Not that he picks my clothes, but he does have common sense.

Apparently my son does not. The other day he was going outside to cut the grass, in PJ pants. Umm, try again skippy. Then I had to spend 10 minutes explaining to him why it was not appropriate to wear PJ pants while cutting the grass. Finally I had to pull out the "Go change your pants before I pull your eye brows off your face" threat.

It does not surprise me that he thinks it is ok. Have yall seen that stupid ass commercial where the chick is bragging about going to college in her PJs? Umm why is that a hook? I get the premise of the commercial. It is convenient for people who have busy schedules, but to little kids it is like "Cool I wanta go to that school! We don't have to get dresses!" Yeah that's great! What about when you have to join the real world and get a real job? Could you imagine going to a job interview in you PJs? Ha!

Oh! One more thing. This whole "Go to school in your PJs" thing is bogus. I have never been to college (I guess you can tell by how I write), but I would be willing to bet there are many pj bottomed co eds in AM classes at any given University.

We wonder why other countries excel. Maybe because they are not too lazy to get friggn dressed!

Yucky Mommy Chore

2009-12-03T00:54:00.000-05:00

Todays blog is one that I am sure every mommy blogger has a post on already. However, I must add my 2 cents!

I
HATE
EFFIN
LAUNDRY

I can not stand it! I have never liked it from the very first load I washed when I was 10 years old. Now I have the pleasure of being the wash girl for 5 people. When 3 of the 5 are children it is really like 9.

Of course Laney Claire goes through a good bit. That is what babies do. However, them damn other natty ass kids throw clean clothes in with the dirty clothes and it just triples my loads. I am pretty sure I fixed them though...

I went on wash strike. It was painful, but I did it. I let all of their clothes get dirty. Then I would only wash a handful of clothes...not exactly the ones they wanted to wear. They did wear jeans 2 days in a row. I basically made it hell for them.

I did my strike for about 3 weeks. By last Saturday they were begging me to wash clothes. They even HELPED me! WOW! I did not have to go to their rooms to hunt any clothes. They took them all to the wash room. When the dryer would shut off Ansley would bring me clothes to fold and put the ones in the washer in the dryer. Dang! I should have went on strike a long time ago.

I finished up all the laundry today. I had one load for Dean and I. Yipee! Then it happened. Ansley choked and threw up on the bed! GREAT! Oh well! At least I know they are going to keep me around for a while. If for nothing else but to be their wash lady!

Bad Tiger!

2009-12-02T10:41:00.000-05:00

I am a total celebrity watcher. I buy news rags (when I have $). I watch E!. I contribute to the delinquency of the tabloid journalist. I am bad. It is a horrible addiction (like blogging).
Here is my defense. They put their selves out there. They make mega bucks. They wanted to be famous. It is not like these frenzies just started. They knew what they were getting into. If they don't like it, pay for more security and get an assistant to run to Starbucks and get your skinny latte.

That brings me to my current blog. YOU GO ELIN! * Disclaimer* Please no hate mail about me supporting domestic violence. I am actually a DV survivor. However, if a man cheats on his wife, especially after she has stood beside him, needs a good knock.

I took care of said issues prior to my marriage. I told my husband that if he ever cheated on me I would chop off his dick and staple it to his forehead. The entire world would know he was a dick head. That visual made him shutter. Extreme? Yes. But Damn! There is a pirahna pool of women waiting to hop into bed with a married man. What friggin kinda woman does that? A bitch.

In womendom there are 2 digression that will get you shunned forever. The first is if you do not take care of your children. Other women can not stand a sorry mother. The second is if you screw another womans man.

Am I a harsh judge? Yep! I just think people ought to keep there pants on. If you are not happy in your marriage, go to councilling, go to church...not another womans bed!

Kudos to Elin to standing up to that rich asshole! If she forgive him, that is her choice. If not...take his ass to the bank!

Moo Mommy Monday Mooved!

2009-12-01T23:47:00.000-05:00

I have started a whole blog for my weight loss journey. I need to keep myself accountable daily. If you are interested just clicky the linky on the right. There is not too much there, yet.

Stupid Santa???

2009-11-30T22:43:00.004-05:00

OMGosh I have so friggin much to tell y'all! It is already 10:45 here and I have to go to bed early because Patty Cake will be up early. Anyway, here is one little funny~ well not so funny~ from Family Weekend (The Turkey Edition)

On Friday I got up and hit the stores. I got all of my shopping done...DONE. Now the trick for me is to stay out of the stores. It should be easy since I think stores are stupid and I am convinced that most people have poo for brains. I got home and I was jacked up and ready to go when we got back. So what better to do on Black Friday??? Go see Santa! Naturally! I think I need to check my ingredients in my coffee to make sure there is not something in there counter acting my crazy pills.

I bust through the door all hyper and announce to Dean and the kids that we are in fact going to see Santa, today! I am not so sure that Dean was hot on the idea. I could tell by his sluggish reaction. He had just laid Patty Cake down so I am thinking I came home about and hour and 1/2 too early and messed up nappy time for him...darn. He let me know this by sitting like a bump on a log in his recliner (the biggest thorn in my side that will find its way to the trash truck soon). He was watching some James Bond movie. WTH! That is not acceptable! So after he heemed and hawed he finally hoisted his butt out of the chair (roots and all).

Ansley was already dressed because she had been out shopping with me. That left Laney-Claire and Matt. Laney was going to be last minute because I did not want her to mess up her fabo Santa outfit. I told Matt to get ready, and that is when it happened...he told me that he did not want to go because Santa was STUPID! (mouth drop) I must tell you I was highly offended and pissed off. Here I was all jacked and ready to go and he busted my bubble! The nerve! He does know the sceret, but still...that is no excuse to ruin your mothers fun! He was going to see Santa and enjoy it, damn it!

We had our schedual planed out. We were going to the mall, hit JC Penny for Matt a belt and then go see Santa. After that we planned on going to Lowes and Hobby Lobby to pick up a couple of things. Ok! Break-----not to fast! "Mama, I'm hungry"...oh great Santa hater is hungry. "Ok son, we will get something after we see Santa." You would have thought I had said you are not going to eat until Christmas morning! I don't know about anyone elses kids, but my children have a whine decible that can shatter glass. We had just friggin ate! I think that is the only thing he knew to say to totally annoy me since I was making him go see stupid Santa. (OMG my head is starting to hurt). My bump was not much better at this point. The only thing he was good for is yelling at Santa hater. (My head is hurting worse).

We get to the mall and we go in Pennys. Naturally, my daughter has to pee. I think it is her goal in life to check out every single bathroom in the United States before she graduates from high school. Bump takes Santa hater and Miss Peesalot to the bathroom and I hunt a belt. OMG! You know what I HATE! When a sales associate asks if you are finding everything ok and then you actually ask them for help and THEY DONT KNOW WHERE THE HELL ANYTHING IS!!!!!!!!!!!! I follow this fruit cake around the friggin store and they dont even sell little boy belts!!!! WTH! How can you sell pants and not belts?

I called Bump and told him to meet me at the jewlery counter, then I was led all over the store by my osohelpful friend...I ended up at the bathrooms. I did not see my tribe, so I called Bump again..."Where are you?" ......."I'm at the JEWLERY COUNTER". Ugh! I look over and see him leaning up against a rack and I can tell frick and frack are fighting. Great, just great.

Anyway, we go to see Santa. NO LINE. Well I lie. There was one woman with her 2 little girls. She was talking to her mom about what package she wanted to buy. She saw us coming and she acted like a wild wolf. She did not want us to get ahead of them. Calm down lady! There areonly 2 of us here, I am not going to line jump even though I have my shit together and know what the heck I want. You just converse with Granny and we will be over here waiting.

I have to admit, by this point I was a little frazzled. My euforic buzz had wore off. Dealing with Santa hater screaming he was hungry and the Bump(all married ladies know about bump mode), well just being a bump was driving me crazy. O I forgot to mention that Laney-Claire had the cutest hat (see pic). Well it was too big so every few minutes she would start kicking like crazy and I would look down and she would have her whole face covered. I could have taken the damn thing off, but that would have been way too easy.

So we get to Santa. See above picture...gotta love my Santa hater.

I GOT AN AWARD!!!

2009-11-30T20:57:00.004-05:00

I am super excited! Kat over at Kat's Confessions gave me an award! (doing the happy dance!!) Thank you! Thank you! I am not just talking to myself!!!! Yipee!
Go check out her blog! It ROCKS!

http://kats-confessions.blogspot.com/

Now I have to give this award to 5 super dooper bloggers!! I have to say that this was a very hard choice! I am addicted to so many! I hope you all enjoy these blogs! If you do leave the ladies some love!!!

http://www.lifescrazyjoke.com/
http://mefindingmichelle.blogspot.com/
http://www.thestrollerballet.com/
http://whatswrongwithmommy.blogspot.com/
http://www.lifehappensduringnaptime.com/
http://organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com/

Sorry I don't know how to do the link clicky thing. I would take the time to find out, but I have to blog tonight and Dean wants me to watch football with him. So anyway, THANKS AGAIN!!!!

A Sad Post

2009-11-30T13:51:00.000-05:00

Last night I received a phone call from Ansley's teacher. The mother of one of Ans's classmates had passed on. This lady was very special to everyone in the class because she came to the school every single day and volunteered in Ans's class. She often would work 14 hours a day. She was a true inspiration to volunteerism in schools. She made a difference not only in her sons life, but she adopted all of the children in the class as her own. My daughter spent a lot of time with her because Ans will often stay after school to help her teacher with various projects. I had the privilege of getting to know Ms. T when I helped with the school carnival. She also was always there when Dean would pick Ans up after school. Always with a smile.

Our thoughts now turn to her 9 y/o son that woke up this morning without his mama. My heart breaks for him. Last night while I was trying to sleep I thought up the idea that everyone can mail him a Christmas card. The cost is minimal and only takes a few minutes. This could really brighten this little boys day to know that so many people care for him. Please help us make this happen!
Mail cards to:
Matthew T.
C/O Kim Gracey
201 Rhomboid
North Augusta SC 29841

I am just going to sign my card "Mama". It is a way for her to tell him Merry Christmas when she is not here.

I often read emails or post about this type of thing and have good intentions to take the time to do this, and never do. Please make the time. Such little effort on our part can mean so much to him.

Thank You!
April

PS Moo Mommy and all the highlights from Family Weekend (Turkey Addition) is coming! I kept my daughter home with me today, so we have been snuggling and playing.

Weekend Update

2009-11-29T10:14:00.000-05:00

I am knee deep in family fun weekend! I am having a blast! I have a lot to blog about, but I have been sleeping at night, soooo I have not had time. I have missed blogging the last few days! I have all these things that happen and I am like " oh great blog moment". It truly is an addiction!

Anyway, I will be back tomorrow to start sharing my holiday weekend. I hope y'all are having as much fun as I am!

April

Post Thanksgiving- Still Thankful!

2009-11-27T00:27:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving has came and went for another year. I must say this was a great one! I had a little tangle with DA on Wednesday night everything went off without a hitch.

I made awesome blueberry muffins and woke the kiddies up in time to watch the parade. They had the special treat of coffee milk. We finished up the cooking just as our family arrived. Everything was super yummy.

The rest of the day was lazy. Big kiddies, Daddy and Uncle Jeffie played a little ball in the back yard. They came in and ate desert and Jeffie promptly went to sleep on the couch. Big kids went to DA's for a few hours and we just chilled.

When the kids came home it was bath time then movie time. We popped popcorn and watched "Hotel For Dogs". Very cute.

Now everyone is asleep, but me! I am going back on my word and Ans and I are going to get up at 4am and hit some black Friday sales. Am I a super dork to be excited, not about the shopping...but going for the first time with my daughter?

I hope yall had a great, relaxing day! Everyone going shopping, stay safe!

April

MBC and all other readers!

2009-11-26T01:20:00.000-05:00

I want to say thank you for all the great feed back! I don't know if yall know but I do most of my postings/viewings from my blackberry (usually when I am suppose to be sleeping). Patty Cake Princess keeps me hopping most days and I can't get time to get on my computer. If I wait until night time when everyone is asleep to get on the PC I end up staying up all night! So I try to stay in the bed with my phone. There are a lot of things I can do, can't do, and I don't know about! I do check out all of your blogs/ new post daily. I am trying to figure out how to post comments (if anyone has a BB curve and can give me tips that would rock!).
Anyway! I want you to know that I think yall are all great and that is contributing to my lack of sleep :). It is all yalls fault! LOL. Keep blogging and I will keep reading!

Hopelessly addicted!
April

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T00:59:00.000-05:00

I can hardly believe that today is Thanksgiving. I look back on the past year and think wow! God is so good to me! Last year this time I was 20 weeks pregnant and recovering from an apendectomy. So many things have happened in one short year. I gave birth to another love of my life. All of our prayers were answered when or beautiful miracle baby came into the world. She completed our family.
Two short months later I said good bye to a person that I loved very much. This has defiantly been the closest person to me that has ever died.
There has been good news, bad news, tears and a lot of laughter. For all I am thankful. It keeps us humble, thankful, real and sane (or more insane depending on what we are laughing at).
I am most thankful for God's forgiveness and love. He has given me all of these wonderful people in my life that complete who I am.
I am thankful that there is no weenies in heaven, and my grandparents will be together again for this Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for our future, whatever it may be. We will continue to put all our faith in God and his plan. He has gotten us this far!

I hope everyone has a happy and wonderful Thanksgiving. Hug all of your family tight, and let them know you love them. You never know what a year can bring.

Sex is Addicting

2009-11-25T00:57:00.000-05:00

I have thought about posting this all day. I am not sure how well this will go over, but I am all about realism and showing my real life...so here it goes.
About a year and half ago our family (minus Laney, of course) were on the way to dinner. The kids were in the back of the truck gibbering as usual. Any parent know this is instant comedy! The thoughts of a 7 and 9 year old are astounding! On this particular day my ears really perked up because they were talking about sex! WHAT! OMHC (OM holy crap). WOW! Matt was telling Ansley what sex was. Well needless to say he was wrong!
I sat there in shock while I listened. I was not quite sure how to proceed. Hum! I ugh, hum! Yeah, not so ready for that conversation. I thought about it and decided the cats outta the bag. I might as well make the best of it.
As we sat down to dinner I broached the subject. Both of them were mortified. They might not know what sex was, but they sure knew they were not suppose to be talking about it! I never chastised them. I just simply ask what they thought they knew. Anyway, not to drag this out...we had what I feel like was an age appropriate discussion and cleared some things up. We also opened the door for them to ask us respectful questions at any time. Well Matthew was just totally disgusted by the whole thing and he thought anyone who had sex was nuts. He stated, "No way. No how."

So since then the subject popped up occasionally. Especially when I became prego. We just deal on their level and move on. Oh I do want to say that they were told not to share any information with other kids. We told them it was mommy and daddy's jobs to talk to kids, not other kids!

That brings me to today. Well, Matthew is a recent DARE graduate. He went through the program and learned all about drugs and addictions. It is a very good program. That being said here is the conversation I had with him today.

Matt: I want you to have another baby.

Me: We have talked about this. You know when mama had Laney the doctor made it where I can't have babies anymore.

Matt: So, I want you to have more babies! I want you to have 12!

Me: Ok, well you are nuts. 3 is the perfect number for us, and that is what God gave us!

Matt: Well God can give you more even if you are broke.

Me: Well yeah, but not likely.
Matt: Well I will pray, and you do it a lot and we will have some more.

Holy Poopie! Did my 10 year old just tell me to have sex?

Me: I don't think it works like that.

Matt: Oooooh Mama! I saw on TV that it can be addicting. You can go crazy and want it all the time and end up doing it in parking lots and stuff.

Me: Doing WHAT!

Matt: You know, that sex stuff. I aint getting addicted. I told you I aint doing that junk.

OMHC!

Me: Son, where did you see this at?

Matt: Tru TV

Me: Why are you watching Tru TV?

Matt: I wanted to watch the governors show.

Ok now I am to the WTF

Me: What governors show?

Matt: You know (like I know everything) Jessie the body. He has a new show starting the 7th.

How does every single conversation I have with this child come back to friggin wrestling???

Me: Well Tru TV is for adults, so I am sure it is an adult show. I don't think you need to watch that any more.

Matt: ok mama!

There you have it! Don't have sex because it is addictive and you might go crazy and do "it" in parking lots.
However, I am happy that he still has this same opinion. I wonder how long it will last??

I don't make this crap up! I swear! LOL

Mama Says

2009-11-25T00:54:00.000-05:00

I am amazed at the power of the word "whatever". Those 8 letters pack a huge punch. In our house it usually signifies the end of a difference of opinion...a not so happy end for the person that did not utter the magic word (usually Dean). He gets madder then a wet hen when I say whatever. I normally get the jaw clinch and a little eye bulge! Good times! I mean it is one word! It is not like I said "You are a stupid moron for having that opinion. My knowledge is far superior to yours that you can't even understand thinking on my levels." Did I?
"Whatever" is a word that the children are not allowed to say in "that tone". If they do they will be saying hello to my 5 little friends. Yes, I will spank (not beat) my children. I feel as though it is my civic duty so they will not grow up to be, well...democrats. JUST KIDDING. Geez! Really, my philosophy is a spanking they deserve will be a spanking they will get. I come from a long line of the "have been spanked". To my knowledge none of us kick puppies or have been to jail for assault. We are all law abiding, caring, and generally nice people. Well, maybe a little mouthy. I don't attribute that to spankings. That's just how we roll.
On that note, I must say it has been 2 years since the kids have had spankings. I have moved on to much more fun options of punishment-mommy torture. Before you get all nutso let me finish.Here is an example. For weeks Ansley had been doing these moves with her arms. I know it was from cheer leading, and that is cool. Except when she is doing this while walking through a store or at the dinner table. I could not tell you the number of times that I have told that youngin to stop. Well one night she was doing it again at the dinner table. I had enough. I told her if she did it one more time I would make her hold her arms over her head for 30 minutes. Ha! Well naturally my little smart butt said "I don't care." If you ever meet her, ask her if she likes holding her hands above her head? She sat there for 20 minutes. About 5 minutes in she was asking to get up. I am happy to say she does her cheer leading moves in more appropriate places and at more appropriate times.
See, spankings don't work anymore. Out foxing the fox does...for now. I just go with the flow and think of the best punishment for what the situation is.
I am happy to say, while they drive me nuts sometimes, they are both on the road to being nice, productive, polite, republicans. ;) (A JOKE)! We actually incourage them to educate themselves and form their own opinions.

PS. They have never kicked puppies either.

My name is April, and I am a GDA

2009-11-24T02:00:00.000-05:00

I love Christmas! I love Christmas shopping! I love wrapping presents (ok, that is a stretch...I like wrapping the first 5 or 6. Then my ADD kicks in!). I am 32 years old and I have been shopping for my own gift to give since I started working when I was 16 years old. I was so incredibly proud, and I bought a LOT. Every year since I have made my list and checked it twice and headed out early so I could tackle the shopping monster. I have had many the adrenaline rush for getting "great deal". I would laugh at the smiley faced Wal-Mart sign and think "I got you this year bub! I shopped til I dropped and look at all the stuff I practically STOLE from you! HaHa! Look at all the money I have saved! Super Mommy wins again!"

And then I totally eff up. See if the story stopped there I would totally rock, but I don't. My first problem is I am a "good deal acholic". I can never turn down a good deal. Enter my second problem...the Sunday sales ads. They are EVIL! Just dripping with all kinds off goodies that my children would just LOVE, and deals I as a GDA can not pass up. I am sure you have seen them. Evil. Pure evil. My third problem is I have selective memory loss. I forget all the gift I have already purchased. I forget black Friday when I conquered my list. Unfortunately I remember this when it is time to wrap all the friggin presents. By then it is too late. I have became emotionally attached to each and every gift. I have envisioned the recipients delight on how thoughtful and simply wonderfully happy it will make them. Nope. No way, no how are these puppies going back now!

Sigh.

So what I end up with is a broke wallet, too many friggin presents to wrap, and kids that spend an hour opening gifts like robots b/c I am saying "hurry up you can look at it later, you have more". For the past 2 year I have found my super special gifts in the bottom of their closets in September. Guess they weren't that super special after all. They really were, if the kids did not get so much. I use the excuse that we don't buy a lot during the year. I am not a mommy that goes to Wal-Mart every week and they get a toy. So Christmas I tend to go overboard.

I have figured out it is a nasty conspiracy. See there are a lot of people like me. There people like my aunt that have their complete list purchased by September and they stay away from stores and ads. They are the saving shopper. I am the spend more, and more, and more. I think there more people like me. Especially mommies.

I am taking a new approach this year. I am not going shopping on black Friday. I am making a specific list of a limited amount of items. The biggest thing I am going to do is place the amount of money for each child in their own envelope. I can only spend that money. When it is gone, it is gone. Gifts, stocking stuffers and all.

Wish me luck!

(Oh wait, is that a Nintendo DS for $98 on Friday...effing smiley face!)

Moo Mommy Monday...take 2

2009-11-23T00:33:00.002-05:00

I suck. I am not going to sit here and tell y'all all the stupid excuses that I have came up with why this week I did not get down to business. I am suppose to "keep it real" here. Anyway, I will tell y'all I did weight last week, and that is about all I did! I have not gained ALL the weight back I have lost...but a good bit. I have came to the conclusion that I will have to blog about this every friggin day to keep me accountable. Ugh! At least for a little while. I am still keeping Moo Mommy Monday as my WI day. So this is take 2. I am going to set forth my goals for the week.

1. Stop eating candy and junk food. Only healthy treats.
2. Drink 100 oz of water a day (GULP!)
3. I can only drink diet coke AFTER I have finnished my water goal.
4. Limit my portion sizes.

I think this is pretty doable. I did not add exercise this week. I am going to be hopping clean and getting ready for Thursday and then we will be decorating the house for Christmas. Lets just see how these 4 go for now!

Gifts, baby jails, and cookies!

2009-11-22T23:07:00.003-05:00

Wow! I can not believe that the weekend is over. I must say that my tribe and I were very busy! On Friday I received and email from Ansley's teacher (who BTW ROCKS!) about a Navy Seaman that their class is sending a care package to for the holidays! AWESOME! Being the granddaughter of a 3 time war veteran and Dean's dad serving in the Air force we are definitely military supporters! If we agree or disagree with the war, we will always support the people who keep us free and will die for us. We push respect and honor in our house for the armed forces. We also expect that our children have a great respect for our country. That being said, off to Wally World with our list. All of the items that were listed were food items, so I called her teacher (yes, at 7pm on a Friday night) to find out if he likes a certain type of music of books. She promptly called around and found out he was a lover of all...crap...so he is 23ish and I am 32ish and Dean is 42ish...maybe we can figure something out!

We ended up with the new Creed CD. I hope he likes it, and if not I hope one of his shipmates do! LOL We also got a few of his favorite food items, baby wipes, and hand warmers (the kind you break and they stay hot for 10 hours). These are in great need over seas right now because it is starting to get cold at night. I got 4 for $1.44. You can find them near the check outs at Wal-Mart. I greatly encourage everyone to try to get a small group together to send some love to these men and women. Just the littlest things that remind them of home can make it so much easier for them.

On Saturday we did our normal routine, except they had to get ready for their over night at Auties house. We did a great date night (read blogs below). I finally crawled into bed last night about 1am and I was miserable. I missed my babies. The older kids go to DA's every other weekend, so I am kinda use to them leaving...but Laney...I tossed and turned all night. I don't think that I slept 1 hour straight. When I woke up I heard the rain pounding my window...ugh! I hate the rain when everyone is not home. About that time the phone rang. A few minutes later Dean came in our room to get dressed. Auntie had called and her son was not feeling well so she asked could we come and pick the kids up. YES! I mean no! I hate my cousin was sick, but I was glad my kiddies were coming home!

When Dean got back I got more of the story...

Seems like I was not the only one that did not sleep last night. My little Laney Bugg decided that she was not so happy with not being home in her crib. She kept Auntie up...all night. WOW! That has never happened in our house. Since she was 2 1/2 months old she has slept through the night and never wakes up. I like to think she just missed her mommy, but I think she really missed her bed. So when they walked in the door she took a bottle and crashed.

I tried to. It didn't work. I would get almost asleep and something (or someone) would wake me up. I finally gave up. By this time patty cake princess had awoke. She was in a much better mood! Such a much better mood she started getting into everything! She has perfected this crawling business and she is on to bigger and better things. Namely anything she can get her hands on! Umm, this is not exactly going to work. While other people are home I can get things done, but when it is just the 2 of us I cant even go potty. So we busted it out..the baby jail. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I am happy to say that so far she has accepted this and actually enjoyed being in the jail...for a little while. Heck, that is all I am asking for right now. Enough time to pee and make a frigging sandwich!

So we cleaned a little, read the paper, watched football. Chief went to the store (how great is he!). He even came back and cooked some awesome chili. I did a bizzillion loads of laundry. I have 3 bizzalion more to do before Thursday. I did take a little time to let the kiddies make some cookies. Pull apart, I am not patient enough right now to do the whole "cookies from scratch" dealy. They turned out pretty decent.

We ended the day with eating dinner and Ansley said the funniest thing..."Mama you should never mix your peas in your mashed potatos. It will look like a fluffy white cloud with boogers!"

I hope yall all had a great Sunday!!!

Movie Theater Rants

2009-11-21T23:37:00.002-05:00

Tonight my wonderful husband and I had a date night! Yeah for us! This is not something that we do even every so often. I think this is the second date night we have had since LC was born. So needless to say, we were pumped! We packed up all the kiddies, that is a major feat, and took them to my aunts. God bless her for wanting to keep my Indians, while the chief and I had some ALONE time. We dropped them off at 5 for a 6 o'clock movie. By the time we went over schedules and kisses and hugs we got out of there at 5:15. So we are off.

My super smart husband purchased our tickets through Fandango. Did you know that you can print them at home and did not even have to make a stop at the kiosk? That is way cool, and a very important thing for impatient people like us. Badda Bam! $10 per ticket. Hence why I never go to the movies. I hate that sticker shock. However, this was for New Moon...the movie that I have been waiting for 2 1/2 months to see. So we swallowed the pill. Then we get to the pop corn stand. Badda Bing! That is another cool $20 bucks. Ugh! We NEVER do this. The closest we get to is the dollar movies. Which by the way is $ 1.98 now! It is OK, we have a great sitter and it is just the two of us for one night only, so let's get this party started.

I must say that the theater we went to has seats that rate about a 7. You know the kind that about 1/2 through your ass is on fire. Hey this is a step up the $ 1.98 movie you don't even get through the previews before your booty is crying. The previews we kinda cool. Nothing that I would ever spend anything near what we paid for this outing, but not a total zzz fest either.

Then it happened...here comes the RANT. This woman walked in with 4, count them 1, 2, 3, 4 kids. The oldest was MAYBE 5! The youngest was barley a hip child. OMGosh! So naturally when the lights went down the baby started squalling. It is not the babies fault! Please don't post any hate. The baby should not have been there. I am sorry, but if I get a sitter for my 3 kids to go spend the evening with my husband and shell out $20...I don't want to hear your kid crying. I love kids! However, you should never put a child in a situation that they are not going to enjoy and it is going to annoy the people around you...sorry.

To make the situation worse we were sitting 2 rows back and to the left of the mother. She text messaged the ENTIRE movie. Every time she would open her phone (which the back light must have been cranked up to 15) it would shine right in our eyes. Do you know how distracting that is? Ugh!

So let's review. Movie that cost too much. Popcorn and coke that cost too much. Screaming infant. Topped off with a stupid bitch that would not stop playing with her effin cell phone...damn we should do this again more often!

Anyway, the movie was great (read review below). Dean and I were able to spend some quality time together. Next time I think we will wait for the DVD...unless it is Eclipse! LOL

New Moon Review

2009-11-21T22:33:00.002-05:00

I must admit I was totally disappointed in Twilight. I was very skeptical over New Moon, but I jumped on the band wagon...and I am sure glad I did! This movie ROCKS! I was captivated from the first to the last minute. If you are normally a "wait for the DVD" kinda person I say this is worth the bucks shelled out. The story stayed true to the spirit of the book and the special effects were good. I think if you see this on the small screen you will loose some of the effects. The only hookie effect was when they first introduced the wolves. They were trying to capture the vast size and they kinda look strange, but not a deal breaker. Remember, I am totally am not into fantasy. So, for me to give it five stars it is really good.

I am happy to say I am still on Team Edward, although Jacob did give Eddie a run for his money. The screen writers did a great job of making us love all of the characters. It didn't hurt that Jake had a rockin set of abs (all the ladies in the theater gasped when he took off his shirt...I am not exaggerating). That was the most skin that was shown, and no bad words. This movie is totally acceptable for tweens and above. I don't recommend for younger kids, just because of the content with the vamps and wolfs.

I say, MUST GO!! It totally rocks!

Candy Cane Brownies

2009-11-20T22:36:00.000-05:00

I am going to go ahead and tell you if you have not already figured it out...I am not a a "natural" mommy. I think natural is great and all, but it is just not me. I will also tell you that I am not a great baker. My friend Betty helps me out. You might have heard of her, Betty Crocker...if she is busy (or not on sale) I go with my dude Dunkin. Anyway, I have a very wild imagination. So last week when we were walking through the grocery store I saw candy canes......my FAVORITE!!!! Then I thought, hmmm what can we do that would be cool with these candy canes? I know brownies and candy canes! I am a genius! So I get 2 boxes of canes, a box of Dunkin and some vanilla icing (yum!).
When the kids came in I said "Guess what!, Yall get to beat up candy canes!"Screams and shouts erupted, because I am the coolest mom...well kinda...Matt said "What?!?" and Ansley said "Is this one of your great ideas again?" Ugh! But they did become giddy when I actually gave them the mallet to beat the snot outta the poor candy canes!

So they beat the heckola out of the candy canes and had a blast (cool mom, I know). Laney-Claire was involved. She was watching from her walker. She is still trying to figure out how she got into all this madness. After the beatings I whipped up the brownies according to Dunkin's directions. Matt then added his bag of candy canes. This is where I messed up. I used 12 candy canes. The most you will need is 6 for a normal size box of brownies. Ansley sprayed the dish with cooking spray, and I did the dumping. Of course she did the licking.

After the brownies were cooked to Dunkin's specifications, or I start smelling them, I put on a layer of vanilla icing. Ansley then took her bag of crushed canes and sprinkled them on top. Again, too many canes and we left some bigger chunks. I think that it would have been better if we had beat the candy canes down into more of a powder.

Anyway, they were a little chewy...but over all pretty good. The kids and I had a blast and dorky mom wins again!

My Laney-Claire

2009-11-20T18:12:00.000-05:00

Happy 8 Months my beautiful baby!

Thank You Ann Marie

2009-11-20T11:38:00.000-05:00

Ann Maire is the mommy that shared her totally cool 12 days of Christmas tradition! She and her family just moved into a new home and she has a wonderful blog about their trip to homeownership and DIYing! If you have a chance check it out and leave her some love!

http://whitehouseblackshutters.blogspot.com/

Thanks again Ann Marie!

12 Days of Christmas

2009-11-20T00:11:00.000-05:00

Every year I try to do something memorable with the kids because I am a firm believer that if you focus on the gift and commercialism, that is what they will take away from Christmas. I would rather make memories. I am not saying my children do not do the whole Santa, presents thing...that is just not what I want them to remember.
The other day we were talking on our mommy board and a mommy shared a Christmas tradition that I thought rocked! It incorporates the 12 days of Christmas song in with sharing the holiday with a special family in your life.
You pick a family that means a lot to you, or may be going through a harder time (for whatever reason) this holiday season. For the 12 days of Christmas you think of clever ideas to give small tokens that go along with the song for that day. You can give it to the family, or do a ding and run so you stay anonymous.
Examples for the day 1 could be tree branch with a few pears and a cut out little bird. Day 2 could be 2 dove soap bars and 2 turtle candies.
You can get as creative as you want! This is a great idea to do with kids! The mommy that told me about this idea said that on the 12th night they would knock and not run. They had 12 of the drum stick ice creams and they would sing the whole 12 days of Christmas song! How cool is that! I can not wait to do this! I talked with the family tonight and they are so friggin excited! It is so cool for us all to bounce ideas off of each other for the days!
The family we have chosen is our next door neighbors. They are the sweetest people. When we moved here 3 months ago they came over an introduced themselves and have been great neighbors since. They have Daddy, Mommy, 5 y/o son, 3 y/o son and a new son due any day! Mommy lost her brother unexpectedly about 2 weeks ago and that has been hard on their family.
We are thinking about our days now! Dean came up with a great idea for day 1. He said we can use pear baby food since they will be having a little one soon. We are going to try to get things that the boys would like. If anyone has any ideas please comment!!
Thank you AM for this super great idea. I will keep you all up dated with pics and stories of how this goes. I hope we don't get caught!!

2009-11-20T00:00:00.001-05:00

I will admit it. I have a huge crush on an imaginary 100 year old teenage vampire. Isn't that normal?? According to my face book friends I am one in the sea of millions. Good thing Edward imaginary. We might have some cat fights on our hands. I am new to the whole Twilight Saga. I must admit, I never thought I would read a book about vampire and wolves and be totally bummed when I was done with the series. I wanted more damn it! Not to mention these books are geared at teens. Holy hell Twilight was for sale in Ansley's scollastic reader thing this past week. How weird did that make me feel?!

Yes, I am going to see New Moon. I never, ever go to a movie on opening weekend. This time I must. I do not want to hear about anything at all until I see it for myself. I guess I will say good-bye to my FB until I get home Saturday night. I watched the news tonight and saw the line at my local theater waiting on the midnight showing. Mostly tweens and Moms. If it is really good, and not scarey I might take Ansley next week (darn that means I will have to see it again, shucks!).

For all those that don't understand. No worries! Neither do I! I am so not into fantasy type junk, and VAMPIRES! I mean really! I think it is the innocents (no sex, no cussing) that draws me in. The whole time I was reading the books I thought I will totally let Ansley read these when she gets old enough. Ok maybe not, that would be a little nasty if we both crushed on Edward.
I will be up late Saturday night with my review. Til then...sweet vampire dreams!

2009-11-19T22:31:00.000-05:00

Ansley Says

2009-11-17T15:37:00.000-05:00

Those that know my oldest daughter would prolly describe her as colorful and unexpected. She was born with what my grandmother called an "old soul". She was grown from the first breath she took.
Over the years I have accumulated numerous Ansley stories. Every so often I will share these stories in "Ansley Says". These are posts that you really don't want to miss!

Todays story takes me back to Christmas 2006. Dean and I were married earlier that year so this was our first official Christmas as a family. Dean's parents live in a retirement village in Arkansas. Dean had lived in this area for a few years prior to moving to SC, so he has a heap of friends there. The opportunity opened up that we would be able to travel to AR to spend some time with his parents and friends the week prior to Christmas. This was super exciting for all of us! The kids were jacked because this would be their first plane trip!
I was so super nervous. You have to remember, Dean moved to my world so I had only met his parents a few times and only briefly meet some of his LA family and friends at our wedding. So this was a big deal for me! I wanted them to like me and the kiddies lots! I prepared for weeks. Picking outfits and prepping the kids. At night I would go to bed whining about how I wanted to go, but I didn't want to go. I really was excited, just super nervous. Contrary to popular belief, I HATE to be the center of attention.
During this same time period my gypsy friends (yes real gypsies, and I have a blog planned to tell you about them in detail that you will not want to miss) introduced me to clip on hair. Older people call them "falls". Now you have to remember I am super self conscious. I am very consertive. I wish I could just do what I like, but unfortunately (maybe because I talk about peoples poor fashion decisions) I am not a risk taker. However, after admiring one gypsies hair piece I was intrigued. I decided to give it a try.

The day of our trip came. I decided that we were going to be traveling all day and I wanted to look fabo for my very first meeting with all of this very important people in my husbands life, to wear the piece. Sigh. So I did. It did look fabo. I was happy! Until...

Dean's parents own a restruant in the retirement village. Anyone and everyone knew we were arriving that day and made it a point to be at the restruant around the time we were to arrive. The closer we got the bigger the knot in my stomach became. Dean and I reminded the kids (6 and 8 at the time) to use their manners (yes ma'am, no ma'am...all that junk). Standard instruction before going into any situation. They were bouncing in the car in anticipation of the adventure that was ahead.

We arrived at the restaurant and went in the back way so Dean could see the employees first. This meeting was just a brief exchange b/c they were all busy working. So then we walk through the swinging door to a waiting room. As we walking in (me bringin up the rear b/c I have learned that the kids deflect attention if you send them in first) there were at least 10 waiting couples. As soon as the little ones walked in they were surrounded by grandmothers. Good! My plan was working!! Ansley ran up to a grandmother and offered a great big hug. I am sure that this surprised the woman that my children were so openly loving with people they had never met. After the hug (Ansley had not even spoke at this point, she just came in and hugged) she push her head back to look at the woman in the face (while her arms were still clasped around the womans waist) and said "MY MAMA HAS FAKE HAIR". OMFG!

To say I wanted to crawl under the table was an understatement. I can't blame the child. She was playing the same game I was, deflecting the attention. I also did not specifically tell her not to tell anyone about my fake hair. Mommies listen up! Be specific. Take nothing for granted. If you do your children will out you also!

I have since taught my daughter what to say and not say, so now she saves all her littlw tween quips for family time. I look forward to sharing them with all of you!

April

Moo Moo Mommy Monday

2009-11-16T10:24:00.000-05:00

Welp. I have to lose weight. It really sucks. I love being fat. I love food and I hate exercise. Love it,hate it. This might contribute to why I have been a fatty all my life. Oh how I wish I could love to run like the wind. Oh how I wish I could love healthy foods, cooked healthy ways.
Well apparently if you change your lifestyle my wishes can come true. Ok, so that means I have to get off my lazy butt and get moving...and stop eating. Sounds simple! Why the hell is it so hard? I will tell you why! It is an effin conspiracy! Little Debbie is a friggin bitch that is trying to kill me! She is one of the voices in my head. "April...wouldn't brownies be realllly good right now?". She will not shut the eff up either! I will tell her "Debbie, I am a diabetic. I brownies are not good for me. No, no brownies. What about a carrot?" Then the bitch gets all pissy! Have you ever dealt with a pissy voice in your head? Ugh!
"I don't want a mother effin carrot! One little brownie will not raise your sugar much! You have not even ate today! Come on let's eat a brownie."
This battle goes on and on. I never win. She always wins. Bitch.
Anyway, it is time. I have to kill her before she kills me. There aint nobody else that can run my tribe like me, so I really have to do something fast.
Enter, Moo Moo Mommy Monday. I am an avid blog reader. It is really quite a horrible addiction. During my adventures in reading blogs I found a lot of mommies have themes for certain days of the week. Well Mondays are declared my official weigh in day. So I am going to moo on over to the scale and listen to it scream as I step on..."Ahhhh I thought Debbie killed this fat bitch!"...and then post my weekly results here. I will prolly bitch about the exercise and eating every effin day, but Mondays are results day...hopefully good results.

If I skip out on Moo Moo Mommy Monday...check on me. Debbie may have me. Please help me kill her.

Anyway...happy mooing mommies!

Brother and Sister

2009-11-16T01:07:00.000-05:00

My son and older daughter are 21 months apart. When I was pregnant with Ansley I had all the second time mommy fears about if I could love a second child as much as my first and if Matt would be jealous. All those fears slipped away so naturally and quickly once Ansley was born. They were fast friends! Ansley was constantly trying to catch up. I pegged the wrong one for jealous. If I gave Matt any attention she would have to come along and bust it up. Other then that, they played perfect...until...

I guess it was about 4 years ago when they started deciding they didn't like each other anymore. It has gradually escalated, to the hell we are in now. See the problem is that both of them think they are the boss. Each tries to boos the other, and it just aint working. These children could not be anymore opposite then they are. Ansley likes to read and watch TV. Matt like video games and music. They just do not have the same interest. The problem come in when one tries to make the other do what they are interested in. All hell breaks out. This along with just general bossing each other around makes my house sound like total looneiness.

There is a standing rule in my house. If you are reading this and your children are still in their honeymoon phase where they skip and play and want to be together all the time, listen up. Do not, under no circumstances get sucked into kid fights. They are stupid fights and there is never a right or wrong, never. I wasted a lot of energy on kid fights until I realized they were doing it to drive me nuts! The only time I get involved is if there is blood, or they are going to mess up my house.If they involve me both get in trouble. The one who did whatever for being ugly and the other child for tattling. See, the tattler is normally guilty of being ugly also, they just think they can get out of it by telling. Most altercations between my kids are not physical...oh hell no that would be way too easy. Just beat the shit outta each other and get it over with! If I hear hitting I will separate them, but I don't wanta know nuttin about nuttin that started it!
It took my husband awhile to get on my train of thought. He tried to reason with them, and teach them to work it out. Pfffttt. They are brother and sister! It is inbred in them to fight. You can not reason with unreasonable people, so don't waste your time. I am glad to say that he has caught on and is a much happier person! LOL

This brings me to today. They spent the weekend with DA. Every time they come back they are grumpy. I don't know who, or what sparked the fight but they decided to have this battle of (stupid) word at dinner. Sigh. I really do try to understand, but it is on a different level. My brain does not go there. Anyway, I tried to talk around it, tell em to shut up and finally separate them. I told them if they did not shut up I was going to make them hug for 10 minutes. Muuuhahhahha That lasted for about 3 minutes and here came Matt. Ok fine, I let him speak...tell me all the evils Ansley has ever done. Then I let her speak. Same song and dance. Basically, Matt sucks. Then they started back up again. So I told them that they were not allowed to speak to each other for a week. (Mouths flew open) What?? I said if the two of you can not be kind and respect each other you should not talk and I am putting yall on talking restriction. No talking to each other until Friday after school. (Another look like I have 3 heads and a 4th is growing while I spoke).
Matt: We are not that mean to each other.
Ansley: What if I break my arm?
Me: Just tell him to call me you broke your arm.
Ansley (tears wellin in her beautiful brown eyes) So all I can say is I broke my arm, I love you, call mama.
Me: no you can just tell him you broke your arm and to call me.

You would have swore I licked the red off their candy. Man, that damned ole mama threw them a curve ball. Anyway, they are not on talking restriction. I just told them they need to be nice and respectful or they would be. That's not cool to them. See they are brother and sister...and best friends.

Bibles, Elevators and Drunks

2009-11-15T22:30:00.000-05:00

Sundays are made for family. I love Sundays. Today I have spent time reflecting on some of the funny things that have happened to us as a family. I have decided to share this with all of you. I have to tell you that it was very hard to pick a story, because it seems like the 5 of us can find some kinda trouble and not be looking.

In April we decided to take a short vaca to Myrtle Beach. I had been on bed rest for the better part of 9 months, and the kids and Dean had been so great through the whole pregnancy. I thought we could all use a weekend getaway.

I should preface this story with a little back ground on my son. He was born to be a preacher. He started having church and preaching to Ansley naked Barbies when he was about 4. There have been several times that I have went in his room and he and Ansley would be playing church and he had her on the floor trying to “heal” her. He frequently carries a bible with us on outings.

Well on this particular trip I decided that 9 months is just too damn long to go without a drinky poo. So we went to the Hard Rock Café. While there I enjoyed an adult beverage and that opened a whole conversation about alcohol, and the proper times and the proper ways it is to be used. We have an open relationship with the kids. As long as they ask a question respectfully, they may ask anything they want. We gage answers to the level that they are on, but we don’t lie. Dean and I believe that it is ok to take a drink every so often, just not become a drunk. Anyway, this was the main topic of conversation at the dinner table.

It was a little late when we got back to our hotel so the parking lots were full and our only option was the parking garage. Well, this is an awful option to Matt. One, he is scared to death of elevators and number two he is scared to death of parking garages. So a parking garage elevator just spins him right out of orbit. I could feel his anxiety level creeping up with each level we climbed. Naturally, we could only find a spot on the top level. As we were getting out of the car I was steadily reassuring him that nothing was going to happen, we were going to be fine. He jumped out and said “Well, I am taking my bible”. Okedokey cowboy, whatever makes you happy and will make you stop whining.

As we approached the elevator he got closer and closer to me. I was steadily telling him that it would be ok. Well as I stepped on I noticed a teenage girl behind me and I held the elevator. Then she held it for the rest of her family. Wow. My tribe of 5 (with a baby stroller) and the 3 in the other family made for a tight squeeze in the tiny elevator. I strategically place Matt in the back corner next to me. As the elevator choked and groaned I could here him whimper. Before I even thought what I was saying I said “Read your bible son. Jesus will take care of us.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth I caught Dean trying to conceal a chuckle. When we got off the elevator I thought, damn what bible thumping freaks must we have looked like.

While still reeling over the events in that elevator we moved on into the hotel and to the next elevator fiasco, and a fiasco it was! As we approached the hotel elevator I notice a highly intoxicated woman waiting on the elevator and talking to a friend. Having just had a good learning discussion a dinner, I decided that this would also continue the learning experience (not to drink in excess). I pointed her out to the kids and while normally I would have waited for the next elevator, I decide that we could share so they could truly see how stupid people act when they are drunk…boy did I get more then I bargained for. As we were stepping on the elevator I started to understand the dynamic between the two women. The sober lady was sending the drunk (very drunk) lady to her room…alone. Mind you this woman was total toast. So nice person that I am (???) offered to make sure she got to her room. Sober lady was glad to push drunk off onto me! She tells me what room and the doors close and we are on an adventure in drunk land!

This particular hotel has closed circuit TVs in the elevators. Well as soon a drunky poo got on she started rambling about how her daughter was going to be on that TV. Ok, yeah…so we all watched (while Matt clutched his bible to his chest). When we arrived to the floor her daughter still had not came across the TV. So we wait, and wait, and wait…Dean started eyeing me and I knew he was thinking the same thing I was…this lady is nuts! Thank God about that time a picture of her daughter flashed on the screen. It was her birthday, so drunky poo had bought an ad. Whew! I was seriously mentally trying to figure out how to get this kooky lush off the elevator if that damn picture had not came up.

So after we saw the picture she told me that we HAD to meet her daughter and wish her a happy 18th birthday. Oh boy! This lady can not even stand the freak up! So we get off the elevator and start to walk to her room. I was like ok this will be ok. We will get to her room and I the daughter will come to the door- happy birthday, here is your drunk mama…have a nice life. Ummm no, didn’t quite go like that. First thing is we are walking down the hall and she starts talking about how nice I am to walk with her to her room. Well stupid ass me says something to the effect of “well I understand. I have been drunk before”. Oh hell! You would have thought I doused her with kerosene and lit a match. “I’m not FUCKING drunk”….oh shit. “Oh, no no no! I didn’t mean YOU were drunk. I am just saying I have been drunk before.” So that calmed her down since I understood she was not drunk.
At this point Matt is walking behind us holding the bible OUT! Like he was warding off evil sprits. I looked over my shoulder and I about died! Naturally, Ansley is marching right along beside me. I ain’t going nowhere without her.

So we get to her room and I am thinking “Thank God this is almost over”. Then I here her say “You have to tell my daughter happy birthday”. Shit. So she puts the key card in the slot and just stands there looking at it. “It’s broke” , she proclaims! Oh hell! I take the card from her and open the door to a very dark room. Yes! Daughter is out partying so I don’t have to wish her a happy birthday and I can get the hell out of here. “Oh it looks like your daughter is out…oh well tell her we said happy birthday”. HA! “Oh she is here, she is JUST ASLEEP”! Oh no, no, no! I don’t wanta go in there! Shit. Shit. Shit.

I look back and Matt is ½ way back to the elevator and Dean had the baby in the stroller a good 10 feet back. So what do I do? Well naturally I walked my ass in her room, with Ansley in tow. How in the hell do I get myself in these situations? So we go in the room and only the TV was on. Mama stood at the end of the bed shaking daughters (who BTW is spooning with her boyfriend!) feet. “Brittney! Brittney! Happy birthday baby girl!!! They came to tell you happy birthday!” Shit. “Oh yes Brittney, happy birthday! We saw you in the elevator!”…how fucking lame is that shit! “So anyway, happy birthday…get ya some sleep!” Baby girl must expect this shit from her boozing mommy. She was like “Ok, thanks! Thanks for getting my mom to her room!!!!!!!!!”

Time for the quick getaway, right…nope. So drunk mommy follows us to the door and she loves us now, loves us to death. She wants us to come back tomorrow and we will have great fun. She starts hugging all over me and then grabs Ansley. I died when she told Ansley “I love you”, and Ansley just looked at her like she was nuts and said “I, er…ummm…love you too???” Matt was gone. He and his bible had checked out. They both were waiting at the elevator. He was so stinking mad at me! “Mama! You went in her ROOM! What if she got you? Did you hear her say she wasn’t bleeping drunk? I thought she was gonna hit you.” He just went on and on all night. I will admit, it was a drunk lesson that went a wee bit too far. However, the next morning at breakfast was priceless!

We were at the hotel restaurant enjoying a fabo breakfast. Well about time to leave, they spotted her! Oh shit! They wanted me to go over and talk with her. I tried to explain that the woman did not even know who I was and would not remember the night before. My daughter in true smart ass fashion said “Well mama, she said she loved us.”

So note to self…don’t try to teach my children lessons about drunk people with live subjects. You never know what you might get…or where you might end up.

My wonderfully smart ass almost 8 month old!

2009-11-14T13:04:00.000-05:00

Its official! Laney-Claire is a smart ass! I knew this day would come, but I thought it would be a little later then 8 months.
See, since she has become mobile she now thinks her shit don't stink. She can go anywhere and do whatever. She likes it (thumbs up on face book). She dislikes when I assert my parental authority. Apparently she did not read the entire family handbook that states mama is the queen of all and must be obeyed.
This brings me to nap time yesterday. Since she was a tinyiney baby she has been a fabo naper. Prolly a little too go, mama never gets anything done because the rule is you sleep when the baby sleeps, right? Anyway, in light of her new found abilities, she does not want to nap. Ha! Napping is for Babies! She is not a BABY! She is a mobile shit getter inner. So, needless to say, she was not going down with out a fight. On my 10th trip in her room to tell her ass it is friggin night night time and she needed to lay her ass down and go to sleep, it happened! She cut her eyes and gave me an eat shit look like I was a total idiot and she was not laying down and she was not going to sleep. Oh no she didn't! No she did not just give me that look at 7.5 months old! I flipped her ass over and told her "Oh no you aint gonna look at me like that! Have you lost your damn mind! Turn your little ass over, get your bear and go to sleep! Now!". Guess what! She did!
I don't understand why the people that live with me like to see me show my ass. I try to be super nice "you need to go to sleep" mommy. Does that work? Hell no! They like the queen bitchy!
Anyway, the nap was short. I won though! Now I know that she is truly one of us! Scary thought! LOL

Flo, you may go!

2009-11-13T12:28:00.000-05:00

Yall might as well get use to my monthly bitching about my gift from mother nature,aka Aunt Flo. I use to be one of those women that would scoff at whiney asses that cried about their periods. Ummm, then the bitch thought it was funny to put the wham bam on me. Let this be a lesson...if you laugh at others, inevitably you will walk in their shoes. So now I have 2 days a month where I am totally worthless! Totally! Nothing helps (except the hard shit). So I don't even bother. I just lay in bed and dream about snatching my ovaries out.
During this time my mind tends to ponder the mysteries of "Aunt Flo". First I wonder how did she become my aunt! I mean, is she my mama's sister? My daddy's brother's wife? If you are from Alabama is it your "aunt/cousin/sister/step mommy Flo"? Second, I don't think it is fair to the Flos in the world. I mean EVERYONE (women and men alike) hate Aunt Flo. Even little children learn quickly when the bitch is visiting. Mommy turns into a raging ball of hormones.She eats everything in site and is a mean lunatic!
Third, who the fuck named this bodily function after a real name. It aint like when we go poo we say I am going to take a wiff of Uncle George. I mean really! The thing that blows me away is the Flo is universal! You can tell anybody, any where that "Aunt Flo" is visiting and they know what it means! I mean did they teach this in school at some point? How the hell does everyone fucking know!
Anyway,a quick story. My ex's mother sits with elderly folks that have dementia. Well there was this one very wealthy refined southern woman named Mrs. White. Well when Mrs. White had enough of you, or got pissed of she would declare "You may go!". That is what I am saying to Auntie Flo! I don't wanta see you no more! We have had our hay day,and I have 3 beautiful children. Your services are not necessary any longer. Isn't there some sophomore sitting in english class begging for you to visit them? You may go!

Adventures with a sleep walking child

2009-11-13T00:03:00.000-05:00

I have a sleep walker. A serious sleep walker. One that has actually escaped from the house (DAs, not mine) in the middle of the night. Scary shit. Over the years he has gotten better. Now he just scares the crap out of me every so often.
That brings me to tonight. Picture this (in my best Sophia voice)- I am laying in bed working on my blog. I hear thump, thump, thump...here he comes. He springs through my door like his ass is on fire, runs to my side of the bed and we had the following exchange:
Matt: mama,ummm,mama, ughh, ummm
Me: what's wrong son
Matt: mama, umm, I need, ummm,mama
Me: what do you need son
Matt: ummm, I need, I need, ummm, Ansley's password.
Me: Ansley's password? Why?
Matt: MAMA! I need Ansley's password!
*gotta love it when a sleep drunk gets pissed at ya!
Me: Matthew, you do not need Ansley's password.
Matt:MAMA! I NEED ANSLEY'S PASSWORD!
Me: WHY? And her password to WHAT!
Matt:face book, b/c I want it. Me: get your ass back in bed!
He takes off back to his room. I am right on his heels. He slams his door and locks it!
Me:(knock) open this door!
Matt: what? Huh?
Me: open this door!
Thump thump thump
The door opens and he looks at me like I have totally lost my mind!
Matt: what?
Me: why did you lock the door?
Matt: huh? Who was that knocking?
Me: OMG! Get in the bed!
Matt: (still looking at me like I am off my rocker) what?
Me: GET IN THE BED!
He gets in the bed. I reach over and take his glasses off. Matt: what are you doing?
Me: the hula, wanta join?
Matt: what?
Me: lay down and go to sleep Matthew, good night.
Matt: good night.

This is my adventure tonight in sleep walking!

CMA Thoughts

2009-11-12T14:07:00.000-05:00

So I am going to do this by bullet points so hopefully I will not ramble!

• Taylor's opening number was...ummm...well it sucked. Love Taylor, hate that act. Maybe I just didn't get it. Ansley watched with me and she didn't get it either. Maybe her target is somewhere between 9 and 32. She totally redeemed her cute little self the rest of the night. 15 is an awesome song and when she won entertainer of the year I wanted to cry with her. <3 Taylor!

• Carrie's outfits were great, well minus the sparkly under britches outfit. I like the song, but I don't get the whole channeling Madonna vibe. All that was missing was the cone titties. I still heart Carrie, just not her stylist so much.

• Brad was his normal cutie self. I could just eat him up. Him and his cutie little family! I am glad he won male vocalist of the year. BTW when is George Strait gonna retire? All his friggin songs sound the same now. Love him, he is great, but either he needs a new sound or move on cowboy.

• Tim McGraw, sigh. Huge disappointment. I hated his song. Hated it. If that was a come back he needed to stay where he was. On a positive note, I am super excited about his movie and think he will rock it!

• Faith, get an effin brush. I mean really. I know you are just there b/c Tim is promoting his movie. Us country music fans have not forgot your nasty little stunt a few years ago when Carrie won female vocalist. We don't like you, you don't like us...but you need to respect! Brush your damn hair.

•One last note about the production. It sucked. They did not have the sound right for anyone and I hated all of the performers had the friggin words to the songs behind them on screens. What the hell was it? Some jacked up karaoke? Note to ABC, go a different route next year.

Back to life, Back to reality

2009-11-12T00:58:00.000-05:00

Yeah! I am all better! I took Tuesday off also and slept all friggin day-all day! Dean told me I needed to get better b/c he was bored and ready to go back to work. Since Laney-Claire has became so mobile you get very little done. Very. Little. She can get around quick as a whip, so if you are not right there something could happen. This equals boring on some levels. Today was not that bad. I enjoyed watching all the Veterans Day stuff on Fox News (yes, I am that kinda person). So my day progressed lovely, UNTIL I went to get the big kids from school. In my world some days are good and some days are bad...well today was bad, for my son.
He received his signed papers today. I am going to say I know I am tough. I expect good grades. I care. I mean my kids don't get spankings or sent to bed without dinner for bad grades, but "extras" are taken away. Anyway, he got a D on his vocab test. He got a D, A FRIGGIN D! On spelling? Oh hell no! So I tell him he has to write the words 20Xs and no over nights until next weeks grades (a side note, he is going to DAs this weekend, so he would not have over nights this week anyway, it just sounded good). I could almost see his relief. Matt does not have a poker face, or mouth. He then mentioned something about phone restriction--ahhh! I can see clearly now the rain is gone! This past week he has been attached to the phone. On Saturday night (while he was at an overnight) a little girl called. Ding, ding, ding...we have a winner. So I quickly added to the punishment that if he received another D he would be on phone restriction until report cards.
WTH! He is 10 effin years old! I should not be fighting the "girls" monster yet! Ugh! I am not happy with the situation. (What I am about to say is MY OPINION). I do not think that little girls should call little boys. There, I said it. I am my grandmother. I informed my older daughter of this on the way to the grocery store (that tells you how thick it got at home if I volunteered to go to the market). She does not agree. I hope one day she will see it my way and understand that no daughter of mine will be chasing a boy. That's it. Case closed. If a boy likes my daughter, he can call her and talk to her politely. And she will act like a lady, not a dog in heat.
Anyway, she still does not understand. One day she will. When I got home I sat down with both of them and laid down rules.
1. Ansley can not talk to boys on the phone at all. (For 21 months she pointed out. She hates it when Matt is allowed to do something and she isn't).
2. There is a 15 minute time limit on talking to the opposite sex.
3. If your grades drop, no phone.
4. No play dates with the opposite sex. Don't even ask.

These seem reasonable for 10, right?

Ok I am sleepy. I will be back tomorrow with my CMA thoughts. Here is a sneak peek--Faith Hill, buy an effin brush!

I hate being sick

2009-11-09T22:51:00.000-05:00

There is something wrong with me. I am not sure what, but I feel like poopie. Just mainly achey and have a fever that comes and goes. It sucks being stuck in the bed all friggin day. What really sucks is I missed Matt's DARE graduation. Dean took the whole tribe. What a sweet guy! I also hate not being able to hold my baby. Oh well, tomorrow is another day. Dean has to go to work tomorrow, so I have to take my chances with giving whatever this is to LC. Christmas is coming way too fast! I need it to be August!

I will be back tomorrow. Hopefully to my normal smartass self. Time to get ready to watch Chelsea and get all the MON, NOV 9, 2009 on my celebs. Night all!

2009-11-09T19:38:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone! I am finally doing this blog thing that I have been thinking about for awhile. I started with face book about 6 months ago and I realized after changing my status 10 times a day that I have a lot of stuff to say. Most of if is totally useless junk, but it is in my head and must escape. A little about me. I am a stay at home mom (SAHM). I am married to a wonderful man and have 3 wonderful children. Everything I write about is from my real life, and this ought to be interesting. My name is April and I am 32 y/o. I have lived in the South all of my life. I was an only child until I was 11 years old. That is when my bother, Jeff (aka Cookie) was born. My parents divorced when I was 13 y/o. My dad is a jerk and my mother is looney as hell! I married as soon as I graduated from HS. Well, naturally that didn't work out! Two years and a lot of heartbreak later I asked for a divorce. Here I was 20 y/o and could do anything in the world, and what do I do? Get married again. Sigh. I got married to my first boyfriend I ever had. The ink was not even dry before I was swooped up into his world where he would take care of me and we could have a family...blah,blah,blah. We did have children. Two totally awesome, smart, beautiful children. First a son, Matt, who is 10. Then a daughter, Ansley (Lulu), who is 9. I am not going into all the nitty gritty parts, but my ex is friggin nuts, and a true dumb ass. We refer to him as DA in real life, and that suits him here also. DA and I were married for 8 long years. Three of which I tried to escape his crazy ass. I was soooo done with men. I ment it! I did my wild thing when DA and I split. The bar scene is only cool for a little while. I knew I could stand on my own feet and I did then BAM, here he came. My prince. I could get all sappy and gross, but I won't. My husband, Dean,and I have the perfect relationship for us. We understand each other, and allow us to be who we are. We married in 2006 and welcomed a daughter, Laney-Claire (Toot) in March 09. So why am I starting a blog? Well I use to work and I had the opportunity to get all this crap outta my head. Now I can only tell Katie. She doesn't really care. She is too busy trying to figure out what she is going to get into next. This blog is things that happen, my thoughts, and reviews. I have an opinion about everything! Sometimes good, sometimes not. My favorite line from a movie is "You know what they say. If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me". That is from Steele Magnolias, the best chick flick. That kinda sums up who I am. I am not really mean, all the time. I do gossip. I love reality TV. It is like watching a train wreck. You shouldn't be watching, but you can't stop. I am not really Earthy and eco friendly. I need to do better. I have a VERY smart ass sense of humor. I talk (and type) southern. I say what I think, most of the time. If you don't want to know what I think, don't ask. I am super shy, but no one knows it. I love God and my family above all. I am Catholic. I am center-right. I am pro military and the granddaughter of a veteran that served in 3 wars. I support the troops, and their families. I hate ignorance. If you speak of something I think you must know what you are talking about. It is ok, and better, to say "I don't know". All people are different. I embrace all cultures and beliefs. They may be different then mine, but I respect all. I can not stand arrogant people. Lord, there is so much about me. I guess you will get to know me through my posts.
Ok, so I have written enough that you prolly thing I am totally stuck on myself! I look forward to blogging! See yall around!